Jokes

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14 hours ago, hooperski said:

Turns out when your Grandma asks for a pot plant for her birthday, she means a plant in a pot.  I know that now.

 

When I become a grandma, I'll *take* that. :D

 

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Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.
"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."
When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.
Mick says,"What the heck happened to you?"
Paddy replies, "I went home for my pyjamas."

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An Irish carpenter goes for a job on a building site and to find out if he's intelligent enough to do the job, the foreman, rather patronisingly asks him "Do you know what is the difference between a joist and a girder, do you know that son?"

 

"Well, let me think now. Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust, isn't it?"

 

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Great joke, Clive!

:D

Unrelated, I know , but I was sitting at a bus stop in town today and an elderly Brit couple sat down next to me.,..they must have been in their mid-70s or so. Funny how the brain (mine?) works..but I did wonder when they last had sex!!! I also wondered how they must have looked years but years ago:lol::lol: (they didn´t look sexy today!!)...PS: neither did I! I had just been to the dentist!

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I got fired from my job at the theatre as a stagehand ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I didn't make a scene.

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It’s probably been posted before but here goes.

 

 

 

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman…

 
… “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
 
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
 
So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.
 
The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!
 
The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?”
 
“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.”
 
The man digs into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”
 
“Wow,” says the barman.
 
The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.  Be careful what you wish for though.”
 
So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.
 
Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!!  Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!  The barman shouts at the man saying, “I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!”
 
To this the man replies, “And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”

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The doctor said “l have some good news and bad news for you.  First the bad news, we've taken off the wrong leg but the good news is your bad leg is getting better”.

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A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.

They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee and drank it. The next one took his sandwich and ate it.  The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it.

Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.

One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"

The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

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I went to get my tests results from the doctor today. 
He said, “I have good news and bad news.”
I said, "So, what’s the good news?” 
“Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac.”

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My new Thai bride says that having a small penis shouldn't be an issue in a caring and loving relationship.

I still wish that she didn't have one though.

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Paddy and Murphy had a friend Gilbert whom passed away recently and his wife couldn't afford the funeral which was his wish to be buried at sea. So Paddy and Murphy stepped in and helped the lady out with Gilbert's wish, so one day they lads went to the coast and hired a rowing boat and carefully put the coffin into the boat along with the wife. They towed out a mile and Paddy said "Murphy see if it's deep enough" so he jumped in the sea and it only came up to his waist, "not deep enough" Murphy said, so they rowed another mile and Murphy went in again only for it to come up to his neck, "still not deep enough" Murphy replied so on out once more, then Murphy jumped in and went fully under the water. Murphy come up to the boat and said "yep that's deep enough pass me the the shovel"...

 

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

 

GUARDS: What’s inside the bags?

JUAN: Sand

GUARDS: We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.

 

The guard takes the bags and rip them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

 

A week later, the same thing happens.

 

GUARD: What have you got?

JUAN: Sand. 

 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

 

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

 

GUARD: Hey, Buddy. I know you were smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

JUAN: Bicycles.

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This is a true story, the greatdivide! Not a joke!

Your joke reminds me of an American friend of mine, Tom from " da Bronx ", who once asked me where he could holiday peacefully. We got chatting and I suggested Costa Rica (no army and terrorism etc ).

He went there and loved it and he told me about a meeting with a  Costa Rican in a bar.

The Costa Rican, who had one arm, by the way, had had the dream to own his own truck but there were severe import duties on trucks. Anyway, he went to the US and bought a truck.

Now, what happened next? He loaded it up with stuff which was taxable..can´t remember exactly but something along the lines of fridges, microwave ovens..whatever.

Anyway, he drove through to Costa Rica and the border and they checked inside the truck...and took away/confiscated fridges or whatever and the Costa Rican guy pretended to be annoyed..and they let him through...and he was happy..they (customs ) had forgotten to check the illegality of the truck!

Dream came true!!

 

:D

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Very small print but double click on it to enlarge.  

 

 

 

35A87BDE-AABD-453C-9DE9-AA75A15CFFD9.jpeg

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the deep jungle, she was instantly attracted to him. He was strong, well-built and had a very honest nature. One day, she sat down with him on a fallen tree and started asking him about his life – she was dying to find out more about this mysterious man.
After an hour of this, she got bold and asked him if he had ever made love to anyone.

“Tarzan not know make love,” he replied.

Jane blushed, but explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, “Oh… Yes, Tarzan know make love. Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, Jane exclaimed, “Oh Tarzan, that’s terrible! A tree is no substitute for a lover. Don’t worry, I will show you how to do it properly.”

Jane teaches him
She took off her clothing and stood naked in front of him. Tarzan just stared at her, in awe.

“Here,” she said, pointing to her privates. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood. Then he stepped closer to her, looked at her with bestial lust, tempered only by tender affection… and suddenly kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane dropped to the ground and rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?!”

Tarzan shrugged and replied, “Check for squirrel.”

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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” 
“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……..?

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
 
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass. 
 
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
 
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree”
 
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
 
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
 
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
 
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
 
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
 
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 
 
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
 
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
 
The grass is almost a foot high."
 
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story?
 

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An old man is walking down a street in the red light district in Amsterdam.

A prostitute beckons to him saying, "Hey Granddad, want to give it a try?"

He replies, "Sorry Darling, it's no longer possible for me".

She says, "Come on give it a try, what have you got to lose".

So he takes her up on her offer and manages to do it four times.

Out of breath she says, "My God, you said that you couldn't do it anymore".

To which he replied, "No, I can still do it. It's the paying that's no longer possible".

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