Jokes

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Paddy goes on a First Aid Course.

And the Instructor asks him, 

"What would you do, if your child swallowed their Front Door Key..???

"Climb in through our Kitchen Window", answered Paddy.

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In some cultures it's traditional to play bagpipes at a funeral, but only if you've been invited. I know that now.

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An Old Scotsman is lying in his bed dying. 
In a very weak voice he asks 
"Is my Wife here? "
Yes I am here. 
" Are my children here? "
Yes Dear, your children are here. 
" Are my Grandchildren here? "
Yes Grandad, we're here. 
" Then why is the bloody light still on in the Kitchen? "

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This afternoon me n the Mrs had a bit of a ‘role reversal’ while i was digging a hole for a new tree to be planted.
She said “it needs to big a bit wider”, i replied “what, for something that small?”  

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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor.
 Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
 
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?'
 
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road... '
 
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
 Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. 
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
 I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
 
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
 
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?'
 
'Now wot da fock would you say..?'

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My girlfriend started giving me a blowjob and after a couple of minutes asked, "Does it feel good?"

 

I said "It's rude to talk with your mouth full."

 

She said "Well it's not full is it?"

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2 hours ago, Janx Spirit said:

My girlfriend started giving me a blowjob and after a couple of minutes asked, "Does it feel good?"

 

I said "It's rude to talk with your mouth full."

 

She said "Well it's not full is it?"

 

Nor was it a couple of minutes.

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2 minutes ago, fraufruit said:

 

Nor was it a couple of minutes.

 

At least he had a shaved scrotum he affectionally called his Brazil nuts...

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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. 

 

“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." 

 

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. 

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. 

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match." 

 

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. 

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. 

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus. 

 

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. 

 

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." 

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope. 

 

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

 

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Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at the golf club, when a naked man wearing only a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

 

The first lady said "He is definately not my husband".

 

The second lady gazes at his manhood and said "He's not mine either".

 

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally said "He is not even a member of this golf club".

 

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16 hours ago, hooperski said:

There's a convenience shop opened up down the road called Pi, it's open 22/7.

 

 

Or even:

 "There's a pie shop down my road - it's open 22/7"

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Last night in the pub a Jehovah's Witness tried to tell me a knock knock joke,  so I didn't answer.

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!".

"Really, Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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(Geordie accent)

Day 14 on the Leave Means Leave March.

The 3 remaining members have only covered 1 mile today having been distracted by a Wetherspoons.

This is the 15th day they've failed to complete their scheduled walk.

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I was just looking under my mum's bed when i came across a suitcase. Curiosity got the better of me so i opened it. 
Inside was a leather mask, leather cape, crotchless leather shorts and a leather whip....
I couldn't believe it....
.
my mum... 
.
.
.
a super hero!!..

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A man and his wife went for a visit to the zoo.

When the looked into the gorilla pit they could see that the big Silverback had a massive hard on.

The husband says, "Lift up your skirt and tease him". So she does and the gorilla goes mental, running around the pit punching the walls.

Then the husband says, "Now pop your tits out and give him a flash". So she does and the gorilla goes absolutely berserk.

Then the husband pushes her into the pit and says, "Now try telling HIM you've got a headache".

 

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Turns out when your Grandma asks for a pot plant for her birthday, she means a plant in a pot.  I know that now.

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