Jokes

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The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. 
“I know I am going to die” he said ”and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you £150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.” 
It was a few days after the funeral when the priest, overflowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put £100,000 back. 
“I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put £80,000 back.” 
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? 
Here look at this” he said pulling out his cheque book ....

“l wrote out a cheque for the full £150,000!”

 

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I was at a bar and was chatting to this woman, she asked me "Do you have children?"

I replied "Yes, I have one that's just under two".

She snapped back at me "I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!"

 

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A guy walked into a crowded bar and waved his pistol in the air.

He said "I've got a 45 calibre Colt with a 7 round magazine with one in the chamber, I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife"

A voice from the back of the bar called out "You're going to need more ammo".

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Went to get a tattoo of an elbow on my arse, unfortunately the tattooist was Chris Grayling.

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Embarrassing Robbery!!

A thief entered a house in mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want.  You can kill me also.

But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

 

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like a telephone on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender "I would have never believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" 
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is there and is spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? How much did they get?" 
The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax."

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Interviewer,   "Any weaknesses?"

Interviewee,  "Sometimes I'm ill prepared".

Interviewer,   "Can you give me an example".

Interviewee,  "... ... ... ... ... ... ... What, now?"

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Me,      "Three times in the last week I've woken up sweating and screaming"

Mate,   "I think they're called 'night terrors' and it's nothing to worry about".

Me,      "My boss says I should worry as next time he'll fire me".

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Last night, on Valentines day I turned to my wife and said: 

Me:  "Do you like Rome?"

Wife: "Yes", she said, getting excited

Me:  "Do you like Sevilla?"

Wife:  "Wow, Yes" as she started gazing into my eyes.

Me:  "Great.  Because tonight I thought we could watch Lazio vs Sevilla in the Europa league".

 

The look on her face?  Priceless!!

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 A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN

AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

 

 

 

 

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK

GOES."

 

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW

ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

 

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

 

 

 

 

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM...THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

 

"MARGE,"

WHISPERED MILDRED.

 

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

 

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

 

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

 

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED

MILDRED.

 

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE

WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

 

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN'

MY POPCORN...!"

 

 

 

 

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I launched a book aimed at noisy children that play in the street, pleased to report I hit one of them.

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(In the therapist's chair)

 

"So you lost your job, house and children due to your playing addiction"

"Yes".

"Poker?"

"Accordion".

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An Irishman got a call from his doctor. “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Paddy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself. He saw his son who had been waiting. Paddy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Paddy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Paddy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Paddy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Paddy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Paddy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

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A racist, a conman and a cheat walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll it be Mr Trump?"

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(Making out on the sofa)

Her, "Let's take this upstairs". 

Me, "I'm not carrying the sofa upstairs with my bad back".

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Today, we remember the death of the inventor of the protractor.  He's with the angles now.

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The impending uncertainty of Brexit has had an effect on my joke and pun writing business.

I used to employ three staff, but I've had to let one go.

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