Jokes

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I was so excited when I heard that I'd passed my French O Level, that a little oui came out.

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble now… They can’t find God and they’re blaming it on us!”

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A survey of Mexicans asked what they thought of Trump's proposed wall, they said they were a bit pissed off, but they'd get over it.

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My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said “At the end of this ruler is an idiot”.

 

I was given detention for asking “Which end?”

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This cold weather is causing havoc for travellers, as they find it difficult to lay a tarmac drive on top of snow.

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My uncle is a lion tamer and when he was made bankrupt, they took almost everything.  At least he's still got his pride.

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My wife signed up for an aerobics class to lose some weight, she was told to wear some loose fitting clothes.

If she had any loose fitting clothes, she wouldn't need to go to the aerobics class.

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My wife is leaving me and taking the kids with her because of my love of horse racing.

They‘re at the gate now- and they‘re off!

😊

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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy
 
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 -  All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, shortsets.  Really, really exciting.  Our local Ladies Bowls Club 'The Late Bloomers' decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one and I can't wait!  

DIARY - DAY 2 -  Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man

 DEAR DIARY -  DAY 3 -  At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

 DEAR DIARY - DAY  4 -  Won £800 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 -  Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at the piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit  his cabin for the night.  Again, I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.

I was shocked.

 DEAR DIARY -  DAY 6

 Today, I saved 2,600 lives! 

Twice.

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
 
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
 
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
 
“Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .”
 
“Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.”
 
As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.”
 
“Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.”
 
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.”
 
“Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.”
 
“More'n likely be some wild sex, too.”
 
“Now that's really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?”

“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

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26 minutes ago, hooperski said:

Can you get circumcised at any age or is there a cut off date?

 

Just pay the fee and leave a tip.   

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A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' 
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 
'What does that mean?' asked the child. 
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' 
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' 
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' 
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. 
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' 
.....

 

.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!'

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Paddy went to the Doctor with two burnt ears.

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

'I was ironing when the phone rang" said Paddy.

 

Doctor: "What about the other ear?"

 

Paddy: "They called back"

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Three contractors are bidding for a contract for work on Downing Street, all three measure up and submit their prices.

Keir tells the civil servant, "It'll cost £70,000.  £30,000 for materials, £30,000 for labour and £10,000 profit for me"

Balfour Beatty tells the civil servant, "It'll cost £90,000. £35,000 for materials, £35,000 for labour and £20,000 profit for me".

Carillion whispers to the civil servant, "It'll cost £270,000. £100,000 for you, £100,000 for me and we get Keir to do the work"

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: 

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." 

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. 

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." 

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

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Woman says to her partner,

'You look terribly unattractive  in new glasses',

The man protests 'But I'm not wearing new glasses'!

'I know, But I am'.

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