Jokes

5,174 posts in this topic

A middle aged couple are sitting down for a Sunday lunch with their three teenage children.

During a lull in the conversation, the Mother makes eye contact with her eldest son.

He takes a deep breath and says "Dad, I'm gay".

After a couple of seconds the Father says "That's okay son, I still love you and will support whatever your life choices".

As the ice has been broken, the other son seizes the moment and and says "Dad, I'm gay as well".

The Father is caught somewhat off guard and snaps "Fucking hell, doesn't anyone here like pussy?"

To which their daughter answers "I do".

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Went on a blind date with a woman described as a "Stunner".  Turned out she worked in an abattoir.

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On 03/01/2019, 19:15:43, Clive2677 said:


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

 

Reminds me of our old dog.

Many years ago my parents owned a pub in the UK and we had a Border Collie called Lady.  She would wonder around the pub and she was very friendly and had a very soft temperament.  

 

One day one of the regulars was messing around and my mother told him "be careful, if you attempt to come behind the bar then I will set the dog on you".  He laughed it off, "that soft thing!" so round he came.  My mother issued the order "Lady... Kill" and it was if you turned on a switch and she suddenly became very fierce stood their protecting my mother growling and showing her teeth to the "intruder" and chasing him out.  He got out of their as quick as he could and couldn't believe what he had just seen!

 

Another time I had had an argument with a girl and she went to hit me, I think my back was turned, well Lady saw this and went after her and chased her out the yard and down the street before I could call her back.  (She got lots of praise that day!)

 

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My neighbours went to a maternity hospital; the doctor turned to the expectant lady and said, “Is this your first baby?" she replied “No, this is my husband”. 

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On 1/7/2019, 10:33:43, Clive2677 said:

My neighbours went to a maternity hospital; the doctor turned to the expectant lady and said, “Is this your first baby?" she replied “No, this is my husband”. 

 

Impossible. Every woman knows that her husband is the first child she needs to look after. 

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I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if she had a newspaper.

 

"This is the 21st century" she said, "we don't waste money on newspapers, -  here, borrow my IPad".

 

I can tell you this,  -  that fly didn't know what hit him!.

 

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I used to date a girl from Yorkshire who affectionately used to call me "TinTin" during sex.

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as in 'tintin yet' ? Hardly affectionate though ...

 

(I'm originally from 'up North' and once had some understanding of these dialects)

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First time I saw The Cure play live they were supported by a band called The Prevention. If anything, they were better.

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I am on two diets as a New Year’s Resolution.   I wasn’t getting enough food on just one. 

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Keep an eye out for elderly neighbours during this cold snap, they'll corner you and talk about the cold weather for hours.

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There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
 
Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
 
The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
 
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.
 
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
 
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
 
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
 
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!

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I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

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My wife is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum, might be sexy if it wasn't a knee length skirt.

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When I was a lad we got a black and white dog because my mother thought that the license was cheaper.

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4 hours ago, Clive2677 said:

Living dangerously there Hoops.  ?

I can't believe he's married. Nobody would put up with him.

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