Jokes

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I'm thinking about asking my ex-wife if she'll marry me again, I'm just worried that she will think I'm after her for my money.

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2 hours ago, hooperski said:

Saw an advert for a budget vasectomy clinic, it's a snip at £50.

 

 

I know the place you mean but they're very unfriendly there.

As you leave there's a sign saying "please don't come again" 

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The wages aren't great ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... but they get the odd tip though! :lol:

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Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

 

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:

"THE END IS NEAR.  TURN  YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, 

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

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Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's

youth and ideals. 

 

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. 

The question?...What do women really want? 

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.       

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. 

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below. 

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. 

OKAY? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now...what is the moral to this story? 

The moral is --

 

If you don't let a woman have her own way...

Things are going to get ugly..

 

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On 8/9/2018, 10:55:20, Clive2677 said:

 

( ignore the quote system! )

 

Ah, that reminds me of a true story!

A young squire on horseback  was riding through the forest and he was suddenly halted by an old lady, a bit ugly, who  said " young squire, listen up, if you go behind the bushes with me and do the business ( at least the full two minutes ), I will become very beautiful, ok, baby! I promise! "

 

So, said young squire agrees. " You will become beautiful? No Haengebrueste stuff? And less smelly? "

 

 " Yep "

 

So young squire does his duty (  actually, three minutes ) and then:

bloody hell, " you are bloody ugly, old and your bloody tits and you have diabetes type 2..I though you would become my Queen and  lovely"

 

Lady: " young man, how old are you? "

Young squire: " 28 "

Lady: " 28? And you still believe in fairy tales? ":rolleyes:

 

 

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Last night my wife accused me of being a transvestite so I just packed her things and left.

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Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
 
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do...all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
 
The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

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As my wife and I headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

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My wife crashed our car this morning injuring a young man.

In her defence she told the police that the man was eating fries while on his mobile phone.

The police advised her that he was within his rights as he was sitting in McDonald's.

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They say time is a healer, that's why my local surgery make you wait two weeks for an appointment.

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Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe 
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on 
the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.

It must be miracle.

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. 
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. 
He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,

 

 Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle' 

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.

 

 

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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful!  Congratulations !


I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! 


What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Omg, how horrible! 


I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck. How ??"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old!

 The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around   the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

 The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg


"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart   enough to have animals help them till the soil. 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea. 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg


The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."


The audience applauded enthusiastically.  
Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 
http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/5731577/2image002.jpg


"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left...  
It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick".

 

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