Jokes

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".

 

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

 

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.

 

"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

 

The man below responded, "You must be in management".

 

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!"

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Fresh from The Fringe, the winner this year is:

 

Quote

 "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

 

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The other jokes making the top ten were: 

 

Quote


"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

 

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

 

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

 

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

 

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

 

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

 

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff 

 

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

 

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

 

 

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My mate is flummoxed that he can't get a girlfriend yet he speaks two languages, English and Klingon.

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Got invited to an open Mike night last night, turns out it was an autopsy on a bloke called Mike.

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Woman, "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep, what can I do to cure it?"

Doctor,   "Give him the opportunity of talking while he's awake".

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 The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the
                apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
                "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
                He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
                "An ambulance just drove by!"
                "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
                "Matt's riding a new bike!"
                "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
                "Jason is on his skate board!"
                After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
                Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
                "How do you know they're having sex?"
                "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle." 

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A quick guide on "How to fall down the stairs".

Step 1.

Step 4.

Step 9,10,11,12 and 13.

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Went to a lecture last night where the subject was "The History of Stereophonic Sound".  There were two speakers.

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Trump's Doctor," You're suffering from Xenophobia".   Trump, "I bet I caught it off a Muslim".

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After 10years a wife started to think their child looks strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, u don't remember do you?     When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and u told me go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

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My girlfriend says I'm paranoid, well she doesn't say it, but I know she thinks it.

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My cousin from Norfolk posted a photo of her newborn on Facebook, got 3 thumbs. The post got 95 likes.

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 As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees €20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.


The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.


As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.


After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.  The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.


Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy:  "What the hell are youdoing? This dog's a genius!
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

 

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park.

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
 
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

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A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock – it’s 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. “Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
…on your kid’s swing.”

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In a Saudi Arabian prison.

Prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.  The librarian says: "We don't have the book, but we do have its author".

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