Jokes

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Top Ten Country & Western Songs

 

10. "I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine"  
9. "I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few"  
8. "If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me"  
7. "I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'"  
6. "Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win"  
5. "I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here"  
4. "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him"  
3. "She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger"  
2. "She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer"  

 

And the Number One Country & Western song is...  
1. "It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long"

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Interviewer.  "What's your biggest strength?"

Interviewee. " My narcissism".

Interviewer.  "I'd class that as a weakness".

Interviewee. "That's because you're not as good at it as I am".

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Wife. "What would you like for your birthday this year?"

Me.    "Absolutely no idea".

Wife. "But you've got that already..."

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In the UK there are insurance companies that are now offering sex insurance.

Below there are a list of companies catering for most tastes.

 

Sex with your wife                 Legal and General.

Sex on the telephone            Direct Line

Sex with your partner            Standard Life

Sex with someone different  Go Compare

Sex with a larger lady            More Than

Sex with a prostitute              Commercial Union

Sex with your maid                Employer's Liability

Sex with a pensioner             Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy    General Accident

and finally...

Sex with a transvestite          Confused.com

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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Husband "Which restaurant would you like to go to for your birthday?"

Wife        "Surprise me"

Husband "I slept with your sister".

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On 24.4.2016, 23:14:51, Uncle Nick said:

Spot the difference:

 

571d3724b96c7_JohnsonvsGummage.jpg.87079

 

Answer: there is none!

 

I stand corrected, the one on the right has a brain!

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Star Wars

 

Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. Luke scans the menu and sees his favorite egg fried rice, so he says to R2-D2, “Oh I’m definitely ordering that!” Sure enough, when the waiter comes along, he orders the egg fried rice and a few other side dishes. Now Luke is absolutely starving, so as soon as his meal arrives he picks up the chopsticks laid out on the table and digs straight in. Sure enough, it’s as delicious as he hoped. But not being a chopstick pro, Luke has problems getting good mouthfuls of the rice with his chopsticks. He keeps trying, but can’t quite manage. 
Finally, in frustration, he chucks his chopsticks down and angrily says to R2-D2, “This is ridiculous! How the hell is anyone supposed to eat properly with these?!” He’s just about to continue with his angry chopstick rant, when all of a sudden the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi appears! 
Before Luke can say another word, Obi-Wan Kenobi smiles and gently whispers, “Use the forks, Luke.”

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5 hours ago, hooperski said:

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles, my next shit could spell disaster.

 

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

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It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

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The Sheep

 

A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep-screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed. 

 

The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn.”

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So that's it then, Trump v Clinton.  U S voters stuck between a cock and a hard face.

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The Rooster

 

A farmer buys a rooster to service his two-hundred hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself, now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."


The farmer points him toward the hen-house and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen-house, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture - soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

 

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."


Randy opens one eye, glares and nods towards the sky. "Quiet, you fool. They're getting closer."

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A young woman goes into a chemist and asks the assistant "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The assistant answers "Yes, do you want to buy some?"

The woman replies "No, but do you mind if I hang around until a man does?"

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

A Pedant.

A pedant who?

I think you mean, which pedant.

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The Three Ladies

 

Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!

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