Jokes

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You left out the most obvious - Tops and Bottoms!

But I greened you anyway. :)

 

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Three Irish men were sitting in the pub by the window chatting away watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

They see the local Baptist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

"Would you look at that" exclaims the first Irish man. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Baptists are".

No sooner than the words are out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the brothel door, knocks, and also goes inside.

"There's another one, trying to fool people with their pious preaching and silly hats".

They continue drinking while condemning the pastor and the rabbi when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door and go inside.

"Ah now that's sad" says the third Irish man "One of the girls must have died".

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Here is the glider pilots's version of the "Designated Decoy" story (at least 30 years old), claimed to come from Albuquerque /New Mexico:

 

Quote

 

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular glider pilot's bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone came out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it" said the man, "I'm a tow pilot and tonight I am the designated decoy!"

 

 

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Post Office

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. 

 

The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. 

 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been those thieving fuckers at the Post Office. Sincerely, Edna"

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Just let slip to my son that I'm not his real biological father and that he was adopted...faux pas.

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Request for a Raise

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in my salary for the following reasons: 

  • I do physical labor. 
  • I work at great depths. 
  • I plunge headfirst into everything I do. 
  • I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 
  • I work in a damp environment. 
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. 
  • I work in high temperatures. 
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases.  

Sincerely, P. Niss   

 

The Response:  

 

Dear Penis:

 
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 

  • You do not work 8 hours straight. 
  • You fall asleep after brief work periods. 
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 
  • You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. 
  • You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.  
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 
  • You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 
  • You will retire well before you are 65. 
  • You are unable to work double shifts. 
  • You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. 

Sincerely,  V. Gina 

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Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

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On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

 

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

 

Then POOF! She was gone.

 

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"

 

Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

 

Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE! DON'T SWING!"

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Quotes taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments:

 

  • "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper."
  • "I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?"
  • "Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy."
  • "I cannot get sick pay. I have six children; can you tell me why?"
  • "I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead."
  • "This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?"
  • "Please find out if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows."
  • "I am very much annoyed to discover that you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born."
  • "In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory."
  • "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see."
  • "My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since."
  • "Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life."
  • "You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?"
  • "I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day."
  • "I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor."
  • "In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."
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Three men are traveling and come across a hotel. They go to the front desk, and the receptionist tells them, "We have one room vacant, but it only has one bed."
There are no other hotels for miles, so the men decide to take the room and share the bed.
In the morning, the guy who slept on the left side says, "I had the strangest dream - I dreamed that someone jerked me off."
The guy on the right says, "I had that same dream!"
The guy in the middle says, "That's weird - I dreamed that I went skiing."

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Mike

 

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity, especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Mike!" 

 

One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school, and the teacher told her that, honestly, her son is simply a disaster; getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. His mother simply couldn't accept such a feedback, and she took her son out of that school. She even moved to another city.

 

Twenty-five years later, that same teacher before suffered a cardiac disorder, and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice, she went for it, and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand, trying to tell him something, but in vain and eventually died.

 

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, until he turned back and saw our friend Mike working as a cleaner in the hospital, who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.

 

If you were thinking that Mike became a doctor, you've been watching too many soap operas.

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As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. 

 

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, and to where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. 

 

They glared at us with looks of disgust. 

 

Suddenly, we realized why. We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them. :mellow:

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13 minutes ago, tor said:

What do you call a fish with no eye?

 

fsssssshhhhhhh

:lol:

 

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William "Let's do that scene where Luke finds out who his real Dad is".

Harry    "I'd rather not".

William "Oh yeah, sorry".

 

starwars.jpg

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(Getting tips from a friend on a first date)

Friend. "Act like you're not too interested"

Me.      "OK".

 

Later.

 

Date.  "My grandmother recently passed away"

Me.     "Who cares".

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