Jokes

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Headache

 

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said, "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

 

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice than to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long?"  
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.  
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor. 
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman  asked: "How about a new shirt?"  
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" 
Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" 
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!" So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? 
The salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said, "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"  
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" 
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed.  
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34." 
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry, "and I have done most of my life."  
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning, a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, says: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." 
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

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(Inside a U S store)

Customer. Can I have a box of 6 Kinder Eggs please.

Cashier.    Sorry, they're classed as dangerous here in the U S, so we don't sell them.

Customer. Okay, two assault rifles please.

5

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Two blind pilots boarded the plane, both wearing dark glasses.                                                                                                                                                                            One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.                                                                                            None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.                                                                                                                        At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.                                                                                                                                                                                               The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
 In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all  gonna die"

5

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BRAND NEW JOKE.

 

My old Dad is suffering from Alzheimer's as thinks that John Major left REM back in 1992.

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?
"Well", she asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing any recreational drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs, bacon or pork?'
I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all that meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'Nope,' I said...don't do any of those either.
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
4

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A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal 
results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing 
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's 

fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, 

poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the 
doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! 

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. 
Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! The light goes 
on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
 
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
8

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A man comes home surprised to find his wife dressed in sexy lingerie.

 

She sits him down and asks, "Do you want to see what crumpled ten dollars looks like?"

He nods enthusiastically and she pulls a crumpled ten dollar bill from between her breasts.
"Do you want to see what crumpled fifty dollars looks like?" she asks, and again he nods, almost salivating. She pulls a crumpled fifty dollar bill from her g-string.
"Do you want to see what crumpled forty thousand dollars looks like?" she asks, and he almost falls out of his chair nodding.
"Then go and look in the garage".

1

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(At the restaurant)

Me.       "I'd like the fish pie, but what does the GF on the menu mean?"

Waiter. "Gluten free".

Wife.   See, it's not goldfish".

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My mate Ted was pronounced dead this morning, the staff at Starbucks even struggle with the simple names.

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There are two woodpeckers having a conversation in a forest when one of them notices a small sapling growing between them.

 

"Hey, what species of tree do you think this is? I think it's a beech. Or maybe it's a birch?"
"I don't know! I am going to taste it to find out."
The little woodpecker flies over to the sapling and pecks at it a few times.
"Well? What do you think it is?"
"This, my friend, is neither a beech nor a birch. It's finest piece of ash I ever had my pecker in!"

2

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I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang...

 

"Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" 

 

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored, so I thought what the heck.

 

I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

 

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

 

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

 

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

 

"Is this Steve?"

 

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

 

So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

 

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

 

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

 

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

 

"The girl he went out with."

 

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

 

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

 

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

 

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

 

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer!?!"

 

Apparently she wasn't.

 

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

 

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

 

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

2

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A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary. Known for being witty (and the judge knows this), the young lawyer tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to hear the lawyer out.

 

"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and remove a few trifling articles, his arm, however, is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."

 

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."

 

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. Then, when he finally answered,... he was rude to my simple question."

 

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked myself out of my house with both the house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

 

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started serving those people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

 

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

 

"And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

3

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After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to twenty years of solitary confinement. However, they are allowed to have one form of luxury for their sentence.

 

The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.

 

Twenty years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the warden, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a lawyer!"

 

The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a doctor," he remarks.

 

The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says, "Does anyone have a match?"

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Apparently, Angela Lansbury thought the French version of her show was more shit than the original. Merder, she wrote.

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The part of the brain responsible for feelings of annoyance is the fufux.

 

The throbbing you feel when exasperated is called fufux ache.

2

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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decide that in spite of two different specialities, they would open a practice together to

share office space and personnel.

Dr Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr Jones was a proctologist. They put up a sign saying "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council were livid and demanded that they change the sign. So the doctors changed it to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids" That was also rejected.

The next attempt was "Catatonics and High Colonics", no go. Next attempt "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives". still no joy.

Then they thought "Minds and Behinds", still no good. They tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" absolutely not said the council.

Other ideas were "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" and even "Loons and Moons" all turned down.

At their wits end, they came up with "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Specailizing in Odds and Ends" and got the council's blessing.

7

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