Jokes

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Subject: Loopy Chickenbuns

 

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

 

Here is your dose of humour...Follow the instructions to find your new name. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.

 

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

 

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new

first name:

a = poopsie b = lumpy

c = buttercup d = gadget

e = crusty f = greasy

g = fluffy h = cheeseball

i = chim-chim j = stinky

k = flunky l = boobie

m = pinky n = zippy

o = goober p = doofus

q = slimy r = loopy

s = snotty t = tootie

u = dorkey v = squeezit

w = oprah x = skipper

y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

 

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first

half of your new last name:

a = apple b = toilet

c = giggle d = burger

e = girdle f = barf

g = lizard h = waffle

i = cootie j = monkey

k = potty l = liver

m = banana n = rhino

o = bubble p = hamster

q = toad r = gizzard

s = pizza t = gerbil

u = chicken v = pickle

w = chuckle x = tofu

y = gorilla z = stinker

 

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second

half of your new last name:

a = head b = mouth

c = face d = nose

e = tush f = breath

g = pants h = shorts

i = lips j = honker

k = butt l = brain

m = tushie n = chunks

o = hiney p = biscuits

q = toes r = buns

s = fanny t = sniffer

u = sprinkles v = kisser

w = squirt x = humperdinck

y = brains z = juice

 

Thus, for example,Tony Blair's new name is Zippy liverlips!

Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;

adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

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A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is

nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?

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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached

the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, and what are you seeing the

doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded office and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong

with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the

doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

 

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

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A man goes into the doctor's to pick up his wife's test results.

Dr: Uh, I'm awfully sorry sir, but we've mislaid your wife's results. We've narrowed it down to two patients - she either has HIV or dementia.

Man: Oh, right - then what should I do?

Dr: Drive her out of town, and then put her on a bus. If she comes home, don't fuck her...

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And now a joke break

 

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.

"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

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An old woman walks goes to her doctor and says, "Doc, I really need help. For the past few weeks I've been farting like crazy, every couple of seconds I have to fart. Fortunately, the farts don't smell and they're silent, in fact I've been here only a few minutes and I've farted at least a dozen times and you haven't noticed."

 

The doctor considers this and then gives her a bottle of pills and instructs her to take two every morning for a week and then come back.

 

The woman does this and the following week goes back to the doctor.

 

"Doc, I don't know what it is that's in those pills, but I haven't stopped farting but now my farts smell terrible."

 

The doctor replies,

 

"Good, now that we've taken care of your sense of smell, lets see what we can do about your hearing."

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Here is one to end the day

 

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

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Here's my fav, preggers ladies and new mums, don't take offence.

 

So. There's this lady in the operating theatre in the process of giving birth.

 

The doc's standing between her legs giving her encouragement "Come on Beth, one more push...that's it!"

 

Out pops the new baby, the doctor lifts it up, smiles at the mother then swings it round by it's feet smashing it into all the surgical equipment then drop kicks into the trash can in the corner, perfect shot.

 

Understandably the new mother is somewhat upset and is screaming at the doctor, "Doctor!! What are you doing to my beautifuy baby?!!"

 

The doc replies " Can't you take a joke? It was already dead"

 

Mwa!!

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Blair and Bush at a press conference about which country to take over next.

 

Bush: "We're going to kill 4 million muslims and a dentist."

 

Journalist: "A dentist, why a dentist?"

 

Blair smirks contentedly, claps his fellow leader on the shoulder and says: "Told you no one would ask about the muslims."

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Here is one to counter that straight from Doctor's office.

 

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

 

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

 

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

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And now for something completely different. Supposedly from actual court transcripts of lawyers questioning a witness:

_______________________________

 

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

_____________________________________

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or

the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

_____________________________________

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

 

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

____________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

______________________________________

 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

 

SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

:lol:

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A joke a day is good for you so here is one.

 

An old man is having his medical checkup Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

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you gotta have a joke everyday peeps

 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.

At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them..."

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one for friday

 

A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful blonde woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to do you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his tool out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in pennies!"

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Little boy asks his mum "Why has daddy got his willy in the bisuit barrel?"

Mum replies "He's f*ckin' crackers!"

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I apologise in advance for this...

 

What did the L.A gang member say when the houses fell on him during the big earthquake?

 

"Get off me, homes."

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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''

 

So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''

 

The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''

 

The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''

 

She says, ''That's not creative.''

 

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone...cheese mine.''

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An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.

 

So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

 

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

 

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

 

''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

 

''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.

 

''The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.''

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THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

 

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

 

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice."HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

 

"We're down here..."

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