Jokes

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A newly commissioned officer with a cigarette dangling from his lips asked aloud,"anybody got a light?:"

An NCO said "I got you covered buddy."

"Buddy?" said the officer. "Don't you see this bar on my uniform? Let's try this again. DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?."

The NCO snapped to attention and replied. "SIR, No Sir."

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Is Sex Work?

A U.S.-Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure?

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The Colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. The room fell silent.

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A newly commissioned officer with a cigarette dangling from his lips asked aloud,"anybody got a light?:"

An NCO said "I got you covered buddy."

"Buddy?" said the officer. "Don't you see this bar on my uniform? Let's try this again. DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?."

The NCO snapped to attention and replied. "SIR, No Sir."

 

Dumb-ass head on*

 

I don't get it?

 

Dumb-ass head off*

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The enlisted NCO offered the new officer a light, but was informal in his response, "Buddy" being too familiar.

 

The prick officer took offense and, as is typical with newly minted officers, pulled rank and demanded the enlisted NCO treat him with the "respect" that he felt he deserved merely because he had a gold bar on his collar.

 

The NCO granted him his wish with the formal and correct response, "Sir, no SIR!" but strangely enough, no longer had a light for the dickhead officer.

 

A joke, but unfortunately not that uncommon with new "butterbars."

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In his little moccasins, the little boy crawled out of his teepee, and scratching his head approaches his father, who is chief of the tribe.

"Dad" he asks. "How do we get our names?"

"Ah, a wise question my son", replies his dad. "My name is Standing Bear, because when I was born, my father left his teepee and the first thing he saw was a bear standing under that tree over there. He therefore named me Standing Bear. Your sister is Floating Cloud, for that was the first thing I saw after she was born. Your brother is Running Fox,for the same reason and your mother tells me her father named her Silver Face because she was born at night and the first thing he saw was the moon. It is the proud tradition of our tribe.

So tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why did you want to know?"

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There was a Soldier, and a Sailor at the same bar drinking. The soldier goes into the restroom and takes a leak.

Right before he walks out the sailor walks in. The sailor noticed the soldier didnt wash his hands.

The sailor then asked the soldier... What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Army?

The soldier replied. No they taught me not to piss on my hands.

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A guy goes into a bar (country unknown but one in which they love dogs and not too clean), slips on a piece of dog shit and falls flat on his back.

 

He picks himself up, goes to the bar and orders a drink.

 

A minute later, a large beefy man comes into the bar, slips on the same thing and falls flat on his back.

 

The first man looks at him on the floor, laughs, points and says:

 

"I did that!".

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A bunch of army rangers were white water rafting, screaming "RANGER! RANGER! RANGER!".

God and Jesus were sitting on a tree stump watching them.

Jesus looks at God and says: "Dad, what would happen if you took out a quarter of their brain?"

God says: "lets see.."; so God takes out a quarter of their brain.

The army rangers started screaming "RANGER! RANGER! RANGER!" even louder.

Jesus asked God:" Hey dad take out half of their brain and see what happens."

So God takes out half of their brain.

The rangers start yelling: "RANGER! RANGER! RANGER!"- louder and louder.

By now Jesus is frustrated and he asks God:" Hey dad take out all of their brain and see what happens."

So God takes out all of their brain and instead of yelling RANGER RANGER RANGER. they started singing:

"From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli"

 

From the halls of Montezuma (info)

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 61 year old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a smooch and then she asked me if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a Mother and Daughter threesome" she replied.

Excitedly I said "No".

We drank and danced some more then she whispered "Tonight is your lucky night".

We went back to her place, she turned on the light in the hallway and shouted upstairs "Mum, you still awake?"

post-81614-13205748973441.jpg

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A Sailor was having a drink at the bar.

A Marine walks in and orders a shot of whiskey, drinks it down, grabs the sailor and whips him all over the bar.

He then drags the sailor up to the bar, and tells the barkeeper,When he comes to tell him,That was Karate from Korea.

The sailor comes to, climbs back up on the bar stool. The barkeep tells him what the Marine said.

After several minutes the Marine comes back in, orders a shot, drinks it, and whips the sailor again.

This time the Marine tells the barkeeper, When he comes to tell him that was Jujitsu from Japan.

The sailor comes to, gets back on the stool and the barkeep tells him what the Marine said.

The sailor starts another drink when the marine comes back in and orders another shot.

Before the marine drinks it, the sailor says, Wait just a minute, come outside with me.

A few minutes later the sailor comes back in the bar dragging the bloody marine, and throws him up against the bar,

he then lays a crowbar on the bar and tells the barkeep, If he comes to tell him thats a crowbar from Sears

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Three dogs at the vet's office

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

 

The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

...

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

 

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

 

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"

 

The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.”

 

"So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired.

 

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.

 

The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?”

 

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

 

“Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

 

The black and the yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

 

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the ountry's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

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A Colonel and a Sergeant are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The Colonel is thinking that Sergeants are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the Colonel asks if the Sergeant would like to play a fun game.

The Sergeant is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Colonel persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don´t know the answer,

you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don´t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Sergeant´s attention and, to keep the Colonel quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The Colonel asks the first question. Whats the distance from the Earth to the Moon?

The Sergeant doesn´t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the Colonel. Now its Sergeant´s turn. He asks the Colonel, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The Colonel uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the Sergeant and hands him $500. The Sergeant pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The Colonel is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Sergeant up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Sergeant reaches into his pocket, hands the Colonel $5, and goes back to sleep.

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I read a report in the newspaper today claiming that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder.

This really brought home the seriousness of the situation.

Three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she asked the people at the bar "What man here will buy a woman a drink?".

The bar fell silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed man slammed his hand onto the bar and said "Give the Ballerina a drink".

The Bartender poured the woman a drink and she guzzled it down.

She turned to the patrons again and raising her arm to reveal her hairy armpit asked "What man will buy a woman a drink?".

Once again the same drunk man slammed his money onto the bar and said "Give the Ballerina another drink".

The Bartender approached the drunk man and asked "Tell me Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?".

To which Paddy replied "Any woman that can lift her leg that high has to be a Ballerina".

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