Jokes

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What are the simularities between a blonde and a screen door???

 

The harder you slam'em the looser they get...

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This came from my aunt, just one of many I get every day.

 

little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making

dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to

tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble

at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he

deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write

God a letter.

 

Letter 1

Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Leroy

 

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy

this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

 

Letter 2

Dear God:

This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year

and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

 

Your friend,

Leroy

 

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter

and started again.

 

Letter 3

Dear God:

I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red

bike for my birthday.

Leroy

 

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy

wrote another letter.

 

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will

be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Leroy

 

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get

him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

 

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.

 

"Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little

Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He

slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

 

Letter 5

God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,

SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

9

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@nicole33: :D funny!

 

What barks all day and floats at night?

 

Your mother-in-law's dentures

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This one is just kinda gross...

 

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and he is throwing peanuts into the air and trying to catch them in his mouth. Somehow it happens the man gets one of the peanuts stuck in his ear. He does everything he can to get it out but it wont come out. His wife tries to get it out but it wont come out.

His daughter gets home with her new boyfriend and they ask what is going on. The man explains and the new boyfriend says that he knows how to get the peanut out. He sticks his fingers up the mans nose and tells him to blow hard. The peanut comes out! The daughter and wife are impressed and the daughter walks into the kitchen with the boyfriend giving him all sorts of praise. As they walk away the wife says how wonderful the boyfriend and she wonders aloud what he will be when he gets older.

The husband says, " From the smell of his fingers our son in law".

 

Yeah I told you it was bad...my grandpa sent that to me...

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A husband and wife have their 50th wedding anniversary approaching, and the husband wants to get his wife something special. He decides to bring some life back into the bedroom. He goes to the store and picks out some high-priced erotic lingerie. He brings it home, wraps it, and gives it to his wife on the night of their anniversary. His wife takes the not-so-subtle hint and heads into the bathroom to change into it. While in there she thinks, "He's so old and his eyes are so bad, he's not going to notice if I put them on or not." She decides just to go back into the bedroom naked. The husband is happy to see his wife emerge from the bathroom, takes one look at her, and goes "huh... you'd think for all that money, they would have at least ironed it."

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Allright, here is one ...

 

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

6

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An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

 

One Christmas she turns up on the doorstep, upon her return, her father

cussed her ;

 

" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!

 

Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?

 

Why didn't you call? You little tramp!

 

Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a

prostitute..."

 

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to

this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

 

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give out a few Christmas

presents, for Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed

mansion, plus a savings account, certificate for £5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new

Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime

membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you

all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

 

"Now what was it you said you had become?" interrupts the Dad

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff"

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a

Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

3

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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they

learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

 

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,

will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

 

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get

mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

 

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

 

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock.

 

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl

could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think

that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little. And

if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love

everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell

everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever

heard!"

 

"I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines

could blow the shit out of him."

5

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A group of professional people posted this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds.

"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

 

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.

Rebecca- age 8

 

************

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.

Billy- age 4

 

************

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other

Kari- age 5

 

************

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.

Chrissy- age 6

 

************

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

Terri- age 4

 

************

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.

Danny- age 7

 

************

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.

Emily- age 8

 

************

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.

Bobby- age 7 (wow!)

 

************

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.

Nikka- age 6

 

************

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.

Noelle- age 7

 

************

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.

Tommy- age 6

 

************

During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.

Cindy- age 8

 

************

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.

Clare- age 6

 

************

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.

Elaine- age 5

 

************

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.

Chris- age 7

 

************

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.

Mary Ann- age 4

 

************

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.

Karen- age 7

 

************

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross.

Mark- age 6

 

************

You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

Jessica- age 8

 

************

And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother

asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

5

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This is a great example of "did I say that out loud?"

 

This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

 

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

 

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

 

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

 

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.

 

"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

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LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

 

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one Candy Bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that Candy isn't good for you. It will give you Acne, rot your teeth, and make you Fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your Grandfather eat 6 Candy Bars at a time?"

"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

 

****************************************************************

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

 

A Teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

 

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having Ice Cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of Ice Cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the Cone.

The third is biting off the top of the Ice Cream.

Which one is married?"

The Teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the Cone."

To which Little BILLY replied,

"The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding Ring on', but I like your thinking."

 

********************************************************************

 

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:

 

Little BILLY returns Home from School and says he got an F in Arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the Father."

The Teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

But that's right!" says his Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

What the fuck is the difference? " asks the father.

That's what I said!"

 

********************************************************************

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

 

Little BILLY goes to School, and the Teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a Blowjob."

 

********************************************************************

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the Teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

 

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My Father bought my Mother a Beautiful dress and she looked Beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the Teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My Mommy planned a Beautiful Banquet and it turned out Beautifully."

The Teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my Sister told my Father that she was pregnant and he said "Beautiful, just fucking Beautiful!"

6

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

 

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

(This is getting more interesting...)

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computer''),because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won!

3

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

 

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

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Dear Audrey,

 

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

 

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

 

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

 

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

 

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

 

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.

 

Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used tt as a sex aid.

 

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey. She really is. So we're drinking in hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the

whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

 

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Foxtel remote control is.

 

John

1

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering

 

from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

 

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your

 

problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your

 

husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will

 

regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

 

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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