How to date without tinder

76 posts in this topic

On 6/26/2019, 1:05:29, jeba said:

What about visiting a dancing school? And don´t forget to point out that you don´t share the mainstream religious beliefs of where you come from as this might put off young Western women. And for good reason. I have to think of a friend of my late wife who got married to an Iranian who mutated from a nice guy to a patriarch expecting her to look after his extended family once they moved to his home country of Iran. She was trapped there (needing e. g. written permission by her husband to walk the street on her own) as she couldn´t leave unless she abandoned her child.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes. I now mention first hand that I have a different religion. Still some people wouldn't believe which makes situation harder. Those who believe me then turn discussion into political talks about my home country and its government and so on just out of their own curiosity. So no surprise chemistry doesn't work between us as it doesn't feel so romantic then... .

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On 6/26/2019, 1:22:44, Lavender Rain said:

You've gotten some really good advice here. 

 

So what to do in the meantime, consider working on yourself. What are positive attributes you can bring to a relationship. Consider  the kind of person you're interested in attracting, what's non-negotiable for you, what kind of relationship you may want to have with someone special. What are some things about yourself that may be difficult or an issue in dating or in a relationship, What are some things you may want to self-improve.

 

Relationships don't just happen in a vacuum, no matter how much you may be longing to have one. No matter how lonely you may feel or how desperate you are to have a relationship.

 

Relationships are complex that require openness, trust, honesty, introspection, emotional support, thoughtfulness, respect, compromise, good listening skills, time... etc. etc.

 

Hope this list doesn't scare you, but it takes effort to make a relationship thrive once you meet someone. :)

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Of course I took these advises seriously in past weeks and I'm working to improve my own life. I go out more often. Engage in activities I enjoy. I feel like my life is getting amazing and wonderful. I also work on my appearance. But still no date so far. So I feel like no body even finds out who I am what I'm doing to then feel good about it or not. While I'm working on improving myself, I still need to improve my chance of talking to someone otherwise I will be a wonderful person only for myself!

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On 6/28/2019, 12:04:37, Buzznut3000 said:

Best thing you can do is go to a beginning German class.  I took one here and everyone spoke English.  I wasn't looking to hook up but I did meet an English girl and became good friends with her and her husband.  You don't even need to pay if it is not a full class.  Just show up the first day and if there are no prospects, head for another class.  If it looks good tell the teacher you had problems with the website and will sign up right away.

 

Thanks for the reply. What a good idea. Didn't think about testing one day and join if atmosphere was good enough.

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2 minutes ago, Pesar said:

I will be a wonderful person only for myself!

 

dude.  that is so far from the worst thing that could happen it's not even funny

 

do sit back and enjoy the feelings you currently have that your life is becoming amazing and wonderful - cultivate that.  not so that you will find a mate, just because you will be much happier overall.

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On 6/28/2019, 2:28:51, anne k said:

Become an English teacher. I got quite a few offers in that position and am really not very attractive. You're standing up there in front of them so they have to keep looking at you, you're in charge which looks quite sexy...

 

In the days before OLD I also got chatted up in the pub, on the train... you have to start conversations. Just start one in English and you'll soon find out if theirs is good enough.

 

And write an ad on ebay Kleinanzeigen and other local Kleinanzeigen websites. Here in Dresden there's a local events magazine which has a website, maybe you have something like that? In any case, with an ad you can just write one and keep putting it up again and again.

 

Thanks for the reply. That's also a good idea. I'm thinking of doing it. Not as an English teacher as there are many native speaking people better than me but I have plenty of other skills in which I'm good more than enough to teach other people. I will work on this for sure.

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6 minutes ago, lisa13 said:

 

dude.  that is so far from the worst thing that could happen it's not even funny

 

do sit back and enjoy the feelings you currently have that your life is becoming amazing and wonderful - cultivate that.  not so that you will find a mate, just because you will be much happier overall.


As 'near on' usual, Lisa is 100% correct!  :lol:;) You can't be happy with another, be in love, make another feel good until all those are also how you look upon yourself.  If you are unhappy, don't love yourself and don't feel good about who you are, a potential partner will most like see those in you rather quickly and the relationship will stop before it even has a chance to bloom.

Continue working on yourself and most importantly your confidence.  If you lack self confidence, most will not be attracted to you.  Self confidence in a man is a big thing.  Don't even consider faking it.  Anyone can spot it a mile off.

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1 minute ago, BayrischDude said:

As 'near on' usual, Lisa is 100% correct! 

 

oh, you... :) 

 

2 minutes ago, BayrischDude said:

If you are unhappy, don't love yourself and don't feel good about who you are, a potential partner will most like see those in you rather quickly and the relationship will stop before it even has a chance to bloom.

 

or worse, you will attract another unhappy, insecure person!  different topic but no relationship really is better than a bad relationship.

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On 6/28/2019, 6:56:16, Lavender Rain said:

 

Oh yeah, the art of the conversation, you'll need  to craft and hone your conversation skills to have an interesting conversation to hold the person's attention to progress into a special relationship. Try be be calm, natural, and let the conversation be organic, and not forced. People can see when you're struggling to have a conversation. 

 

For starters, when you meet someone, don't ask "what's your job or where do you work?.

 

Instead of asking what's their job which is imposing, instead ask the person "what keeps you busy?"  This question is also doesn't come with the judgmental weight of "what's your job"

 

What ever you do, don't ask "what's the person's zodiac sign". :)

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply. This is actually a good tip to ask "What keeps you busy?". In rare cases that I could talk so far I asked "What do you do in Berlin" or simply "What is your profession". Yet as an engineer I find it hard to find working people among those I have the chance to have a small talk. Of a handful of people I happened to talk with since I started this topic, mostly where unemployed or still students amid being around 30 years old. So I do care about profession but I need a better way to ask it.

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30 minutes ago, lisa13 said:

just a couple of additional points based on your responses:

 

I can totally understand this idea of not wanting to date one of my countrymen.  I try not to say "never" but it's just not appealing for a variety of reasons, but ESPECIALLY if they approached me simply because I'm american.  Blech.

 

I do not advocate trying to chat up women on the street.  I think most women would find it unwelcome at best, and creepy at worst.  

 

An idea for where to find a bunch of women though:  museums.  on sundays.  I love to go to museums and I often go on a sunday, and I've noticed there are so many single women roaming around it's uncanny.  I don't know if they are hoping to meet someone but they are out in force. The other nice thing about a museum is you are already partaking in the same activity, so making a comment to a stranger or asking them a relevant question as you both look at the same display would not be so weird.

 

eta:  of course you should go to museums with exhibits that interest you - eg don't go to a fashion exhibit if you are not PASSIONATE about that ;)

 

Thanks for the reply. Amazing! I wondered where are these people?! I will try museum for sure.

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58 minutes ago, Pesar said:

I even took photos of random locations in crowded areas of city around 7PM to 9PM just to watch them later and analyze to get some numbers out of them.

You don't see this as super weird?

 

As I said in my first response, if you are trying so hard to find a girlfriend, most likely you are coming off as too desperate.

 

I agree with Lisa about not approaching random women. Women tend to get a lot of unnecessary attention on the street. I think they would be freaked out about a random guy approaching them to talk.

 

Take Salsa or any other latin dance lessons. Often men are fewer in those classes and hence the numbers are in your favour.

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2 minutes ago, generalmartok said:

You don't see this as super weird?

 

As I said in my first response, if you are trying so hard to find a girlfriend, most likely you are coming off as too desperate.

 

I agree with Lisa about not approaching random women. Women tend to get a lot of unnecessary attention on the street. I think they would be freaked out about a random guy approaching them to talk.

 

Take Salsa or any other latin dance lessons. Often men are fewer in those classes and hence the numbers are in your favour.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree now. After reading advises on this topic. I think I was under affect of youtube videos I've watched on how to appraoch women on street. I think not only they are for increasing views, but also not a good example for German society.
I will now work on these advises:

  • Teaching some skill to people
  • Learning something in a class with many other female students (Specially dance classes)
  • Museums
  • Singles events on the two websites berlinersingles and internations
  • And keep improving my life and enjoy it alone (for now)
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7 minutes ago, generalmartok said:

You don't see this as super weird?

Too bl00dy right. As for looking at youtube videos...well, good luck with that (off topic, but it makes my 6 year old son's obsession with watching youtube videos of anacondas and crocodiles eating each other sound almost normal).

So, sorry to say this OP, but you're coming across as completely desperate. 

Why not try to have fun? You might enjoy it. Oh yeah, and people like hanging out with other people who are fun.

Some people are female (rumour has it that it's around 50%. You've got to like those odds).

But don't even bother "trying" to have fun, if the only reason you are doing it is to meet women - it's desperate and transparent.

 

 

 

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You know there are other websites out there which I'm sure could help.  I always get invites to such places, but being married then of course I decline.

In fact, I got one just a few minutes ago.  Something like "DateRussianWomen.com"

 

What is the worst that could happen! :o :D

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The MultiQuote button is your friend Pesar. That should be your first date.

 

I can't be bothered to read the whole thread, but...

 

28 minutes ago, Pesar said:
  • Teaching some skill to people
  • Learning something in a class with many other female students (Specially dance classes)
  • Museums
  • Singles events on the two websites berlinersingles and internations
  • And keep improving my life and enjoy it alone (for now)

 

Only do those last two. Don't approach woman on the street either. Obviously, on the odd occasion there may be situations that arise where this might be OK. But from what I gather (as a man), women are generally not into completely unsolicited affection. Whether it is on the street, at a dance class*, in a museum...just try to let things happen naturally. Try not to be the desperate guy.

 

*I begrudgingly went to a dance class with my wife and there were two single guys in the group who were clearly there just to pull. They came across as slimy and were clearly pissing off some of the single women who were just there to learn to dance.

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5 minutes ago, theGman said:

I begrudgingly went to a dance class with my wife and there were two single guys in the group

Agreed :)

 

My suggestion to join a salsa class was to just provide an avenue to meet people, incidentally many of them women. I meant the OP should go there and just try to enjoy the class if that's something they might be into, make friends, go out for casual drinks as a group, be seen as a fun person, etc.

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So you've been given tips on where to meet women. But thinking that way makes you sound like you are on a hunting expedition.

It seems as though women might hang out at museums in the mornings, but only go to a museum if there is something on at the museum you'd enjoy.

Likewise, only go to a dance lesson if you actually want to learn to dance.

 

I still reckon you'd be best off just going out with a few mates for a few drinks and seeing what happens (and not worrying if "all" that happens is a good time with your mates).

 

 

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16 minutes ago, dstanners said:

you'd be best off just going out with a few mates for a few drinks

 

I cannot fathom this advice at all.  maybe it's a UK thing?  in Uni, yeah maybe, but for grown adults it just sounds strange when I think of a scenario like that (as a woman)

 

if I see a group of men having drinks, the last thing I'd do is try to hit on one of them.  and likewise if I were approached by a man from said group, I would not be very comfortable with having his friends sitting there as an audience (even if they didn't seem to be paying attention).

 

the rest has been covered here already.  we have said over and over: "don't engage in activities solely to try to meet someone" "do things you enjoy".  etc.

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2 minutes ago, lisa13 said:

 

I cannot fathom this advice at all.  maybe it's a UK thing?  ..

 

Yes it is perfectly normal in the UK, and I would say still how a majority of young people meet partners (although probably not so often for "the one")

 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, dj_jay_smith said:

 

Yes it is perfectly normal in the UK, and I would say still how a majority of young people meet partners (although probably not so often for "the one")

 

 

 

 

ok sure - I can see this scenario for finding hookups in a hookup-centric bar ;)

 

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Just now, lisa13 said:

 

sure - I can see this scenario for finding hookups in a hookup-centric bar ;)

 

 

Which is basically every bar/club with young people in the UK on a Friday/Saturday night!  

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