How to date without tinder

76 posts in this topic

On 26/06/2019, 00:44:39, Pesar said:

I speak English and have a long way to learn German enough for dating a German-only girl. So I'm looking for someone who also speaks English.

 

 

No better way to learn the language.  Both of me ex wives spoke English.  How much German did I learn from them?  Null!

I met a wonderful woman a number of years ago who understood English, but we spoke German...albeit my German at that time was weak.  But it forced me into learning and eventually fluently speaking, reading and writing.

I have tried Internet dating since it began and it was absolute rubbish!  Every woman I've met and dated more than once was from physically meeting the old fashioned way.  Through friends, work, pubs, whilst in a shop, cafe, etc.  Depending upon your hobbies, get involved in one.  No better means to meet someone or even make new friends than involvement in some sort of activity.  My biggest hobby is the medieval fests and concerts.  Near on each time, I meet someone new and we get on straight away.  It's a great means to meet people and is a sight better than wearing a permanent dent in a sofa cushion!

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55 minutes ago, john g. said:

I even had the snazzy flamenco boots!!

 

 

That mental picture has warped me wee brain for the day... and it already was from this oppressive heat!  Thanks John!:lol::blink:

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4 hours ago, anne k said:

you have to start conversations. Just start one in English and you'll soon find out if theirs is good enough.

 

 

Oh yeah, the art of the conversation, you'll need  to craft and hone your conversation skills to have an interesting conversation to hold the person's attention to progress into a special relationship. Try be be calm, natural, and let the conversation be organic, and not forced. People can see when you're struggling to have a conversation. 

 

For starters, when you meet someone, don't ask "what's your job or where do you work?.

 

Instead of asking what's their job which is imposing, instead ask the person "what keeps you busy?"  This question is also doesn't come with the judgmental weight of "what's your job"

 

What ever you do, don't ask "what's the person's zodiac sign". :)

 

 

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1 hour ago, BayrischDude said:

 

That mental picture has warped me wee brain for the day... and it already was from this oppressive heat!  Thanks John!:lol::blink:

This pic came later at Karstadt one day!

:D

IMG_1253.JPG

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56 minutes ago, Lavender Rain said:

 

Oh yeah, the art of the conversation, you'll need  to craft and hone your conversation skills to have an interesting conversation to hold the person's attention to progress into a special relationship. Try be be calm, natural, and let the conversation be organic, and not forced. People can see when you're struggling to have a conversation. 

 

For starters, when you meet someone, don't ask "what's your job or where do you work?.

 

Instead of asking what's their job which is imposing, instead ask the person "what keeps you busy?"  This question is also doesn't come with the judgmental weight of "what's your job"

 

What ever you do, don't ask "what's the person's zodiac sign". :)

 

 

Ha!!:DI love your last point!!! I ask people their date of birth every date for professional reasons and point out " ah, you´re a Leo, a Cancerian..whatever " ) and they mostly smile or laugh!!!

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2 hours ago, BayrischDude said:

 

That mental picture has warped me wee brain for the day... and it already was from this oppressive heat!  Thanks John!:lol::blink:

..and one of my favourite pics! We went to ask about a diving course for Nicole´s son and girlfriend and ended up signing up ourselves! We both nearly drowned that day!! VERY close shave...

:(

IMG_7563.JPG

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John- years ago, we were on holiday on a pacific island. Did the scuba lesson ( one) in the pool, and were set up for a dive the next day. Midnight, we suddenly realised our folly, and cancelled.   I decided I would stick to snorkelling!

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2 minutes ago, RedMidge said:

John- years ago, we were on holiday on a pacific island. Did the scuba lesson ( one) in the pool, and were set up for a dive the next day. Midnight, we suddenly realised our folly, and cancelled.   I decided I would stick to snorkelling!

When I was 22, I finally decided to learn to swim! I was in Buenos Aires and signed up for a course. The trainer barked at me to jump into the water..so I did (unwillingly). I thought he´d be paying attention...NO...He had just started flirting with a woman. Fortunately, another learner spotted it and brought his attention to me...jeez...I was going down...

What a paranoid start! But it all ended well after about 20 lessons or so.

:D

 

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18 minutes ago, RedMidge said:

John- years ago, we were on holiday on a pacific island. Did the scuba lesson ( one) in the pool, and were set up for a dive the next day. Midnight, we suddenly realised our folly, and cancelled.   I decided I would stick to snorkelling!

 

I had several work colleagues who did scuba diving.  One such women in the UK said that with scuba diving you can die very quickly.

 

During several vacations on Ibiza our son took diving lessons and did his Bronze (?) test.  For many years he had a photo on his bedroom wall of him behind an octopus.  I must say I was more worried when he was out on the diving boat than any time during his flying activities (the diving centre was run by a German couple who had been their many years).

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16 minutes ago, HEM said:

I had several work colleagues who did scuba diving.  One such women in the UK said that with scuba diving you can die very quickly.

 

HEM I dived quite a bit in Arabia. I wouldn't dream of diving in Britain, nor even the Med. The worst thing about British diving is the extra air pipe to the buoyancy embedded in the drysuit. In the tropics you only have to worry about your BC (Buoyancy Compensator. The visibility is often terrible and it is cold. 

 

In the Gulf and Red Sea, the water is so warm you can stay in it for hours. Usually the dhow starts really early about 6am from port, and you reach the reef about 9am. Then you plan the dive and dive the plan, as they say in PADI. Come up slowly, eat and drink lots, then sleep. Then a snorkel session in the middle to keep the break between dives long, then a second later dive. 

 

I think BSAC is safer than PADI - it is British, takes longer and is less commercial. Way more theory, but in the long run it is more conservative and keeps you alive more often!

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I did quite a bit of freediving in Malta, always good for a close shave with death.

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On 6/26/2019, 7:38:57, balticus said:

 

There is a big community of people from your country in Düsseldorf, and from what i have heard, significant communities in Wiesbaden and Berlin.   Have you considered getting socially connected with them?   I have found the Iranians in Germany to be friendly and much better educated on average than the locals.   

 

Good luck.

Thanks for the reply. There's a problem with this approach. Everytime I approached a girl from my own country I heard the same reply in various forms: That she prefers a local man. Be it because it helps them get German citizenship over three years or just Schoen ist anders! They prefer not to be with a man from their home country. Yes these people are so nice and better educated. But for people from other countries. The best example is when I approached one and she said she is looking for someone from a "Different culture". And when I said the reason I left my home country forever was that I had a "Different Culture" she insisted and said she finds it boring to talk to someone with the same background. The worst example is another girl whom in an event was approached by my friend and quickly rejected him by a very short reply. Later that night she went out with two brothers from Germany one around 60 years old and the other around 50 both with hands around her waist... . I'm sure the later case is so rare and we can't judge people based on it. Anyways I don't have much chance with girls of my own country. There are other problems, including that government in my country always excused its brutal behavior against women by claiming that they are protecting Faith of men! I cannot change result of 4 decades of a very sophisticated propaganda machine just in a small talk in a party! Been there. Tried that.

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On 6/26/2019, 10:11:56, generalmartok said:

Before I met my wife (I met her on OkCupid btw) I was single off and on for a couple of years. From reading your long post, I can relate to some of the frustrations of being turned down or getting no responses. But let me be frank. It all comes down to your attitude. If you try this hard to meet someone, chances are you come off as a bit desperate and I think girls can see it. I am not judging you at all, I was quite the same. If you ask me, what you need to do is live your life. Have a social life. Go to meet ups in general. Not just dating ones. Meet people in your area. Join clubs. Do you have a hobby? I am pretty sure there are other people who share that interest. There are tons of "Vereins" in Germany. Just find one that fits your needs and go to their events. More likely, you will meet someone when you are not expecting it.

 

Thanks for the reply. There is something weird about meetups in Berlin the city where I am. Every time, there are like 10 man per each woman! Most men I see are also using meetup.com platform to find girls. The result is that all of us compete tooth and nail to gather attention of the girl and she gets overwhelmed and leaves the meetup in matter of minutes! I decided to not join the competition anymore and just sit back, smile and watch others exhausting each other over only one girl! Same I see in bars and even on streets because following advice on this topic I finally decided to man up and approach women on street. But which woman? Where are they?! I even took photos of random locations in crowded areas of city around 7PM to 9PM just to watch them later and analyze to get some numbers out of them. There are around 10 to 20 young man per every young woman in every random photo I take. Maybe there's a gender disparity in the city. Maybe single young women drive directly from work to home and never go out. Therefore young women are so scarce everywhere I go that it sometimes takes one week or two until I can approach only one woman for a small talk. The result? So far: Thanks but I have a boyfriend.

 

I keep trying. But it's so slow.

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On 6/26/2019, 10:30:15, lisa13 said:

have you tried  https://www.berlinersingles.de/

 

it's like meetup for singles.  The thing is, most events will be german speaking, but that should not stop you from listing your own english speaking event.  Attending the german speaking events is also a great way to improve your german skills.

 

another thing to note is that at least in munich where I attended, there is no "dating" vibe at the events (though that may depend on the type of event), rather the point is primarily to meet new people and engage in activities with common interest.  you can indeed contact individual people you find interesting, too to arrange a meeting.  

 

I don't think it's very expensive to join. eta:  looks like it's about 80 euros if you go for a year's membership, no extra premium for men.

 

as the general points out, desperation is very unattractive, so cool your jets, develop some patience,  and just enjoy having a nice outing with new people with no attachment to where that goes.  worst case you don't meet the love of your life, but you have some fun doing whatever with a group of other people.

 

Thanks for the reply. Didn't try this yet. Will do.

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On 6/26/2019, 12:04:01, warsteiner70 said:

^^ This

OP just needs to get out and do things but he seems to think he can't do this by himself. I also work from home but I go to the gym first thing in the morning, to a cafe at lunchtime for a cup of coffee and go out to a bar a couple of nights a week. In all 3 places you end up seeing the same people over and over again so say, "hello" and over time a conversation starts. In all 3 places I have met women that I have had relationships with even though I didn't go to these places with the intention of meeting someone and maybe that is the problem here?

 

A lot of German people speak very good English and if they want to have a conversation they will even though it may be a bit stunted to start with. Twenty years ago an English friend of mine ended up in a relationship with a Polish woman who couldn't speak much English. They ended up carrying around a Polish-English pocket dictionary and using it when they couldn't explain things to each other and managed to get by.

 

OP - it sounds like you are trying too hard and probably getting frustrated and having confidence issues when you don't meet someone each time you try. Just relax and get out and do things and eventually you will meet someone. Normally when people try too hard they come across as desperate and this can frighten people off.

 

Thanks for the reply. You know what I learned from it? That I should move out of my apartment to somewhere else. Because my area doesn't have much bars or cafe. A friend of mine, once heard about this problem told me: "It seems like you banished yourself out of city!". Maybe those first days I came to Berlin I was desperate to rent somewhere as fast as possible to not stay in hostels and hotels and so I rented the easiest offer I could find in out skirts of the city. I should move somewhere in the center or at least chose a bar in city center to go constantly every night.

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On 6/26/2019, 12:35:58, franklan said:

Find a place that specializes on Persian food, they usually have flyers or posters announcing events with Persian background in town.

 

Please don't misunderstand that as racial segregation, but I believe that (re)gaining confidence in smalltalk or flirting it's the best to do that on "known turf".

 

 

Thanks for the reply. Similar idea was proposed by balticus and as I answered above, decades of propaganda by the regime in my home country turned young women against men. Specially those of women whom migrate out of the country are already fed up and feel like the source of all their problems is "Faith of men" in their home country. Even when I describe that I don't even follow the religion it doesn't work. They still prefer a local person specially to marry and get a second citizenship. So I better off not bothering them with their personal plans.

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On 6/26/2019, 12:41:36, maxie said:

 

Maybe a bit of information in general: Germany has no formalized "dating culture" as e.g. the US does where you ask someone out on a date and there are certain expectations after 1, 2, 3 etc. dates. (Even though it is of course also possible to find a partner there without going through this process.)

Many people know this from movies and maybe it is catching on amongst the younger generation - I am 30+ so I wouldn't know. Also, maybe Berlin is different, having a large international population. But most people I know met their partners in social settings - a party, a club (Verein), in a group of friends, volunteering for something, walking their dog. etc.

 

So I would second what has already been said a few times: Go out, do something you like or find a new hobby, enjoy life. Do something for you! What do you like? Cooking? Hiking? Kayaking? Biking? Book club? Maybe you won't meet the love of your life (right away). But you sound like you could also do with some good friends. Working from home can be very lonely and I know I would crave to have people to share my thoughts with. Just bear in mind that Germans might need a bit longer to warm up and Berlin is full of transients who don't stay for very long. But they might have other friends who do...

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the reply. I think you're correct. I will change my place of residence because in this part of city there's no much. And then join some Verein around the new neighborhood. It seems like the American way that I see on youtube videos (How to approach women on street) doesn't work very well here. In my home country it was similar. You could find it so hard to get a phone number from a girl just on street. But going to classes and clubs would make things much easier. Because women would prefer to know someone a bit before exchanging phone numbers and hang out.

Until government cracked down on all classes and clubs and then ordered sexual segregation in all of them. They even ordered language classes to be separate for men and women in even and odd days of week!! While I'm still under effect of those years of trauma, I should not forget that I'm free now so why not? It's Germany.

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just a couple of additional points based on your responses:

 

I can totally understand this idea of not wanting to date one of my countrymen.  I try not to say "never" but it's just not appealing for a variety of reasons, but ESPECIALLY if they approached me simply because I'm american.  Blech.

 

I do not advocate trying to chat up women on the street.  I think most women would find it unwelcome at best, and creepy at worst.  

 

An idea for where to find a bunch of women though:  museums.  on sundays.  I love to go to museums and I often go on a sunday, and I've noticed there are so many single women roaming around it's uncanny.  I don't know if they are hoping to meet someone but they are out in force. The other nice thing about a museum is you are already partaking in the same activity, so making a comment to a stranger or asking them a relevant question as you both look at the same display would not be so weird.

 

eta:  of course you should go to museums with exhibits that interest you - eg don't go to a fashion exhibit if you are not PASSIONATE about that ;)

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