How to date without tinder

76 posts in this topic

Hi People,
I have a problem and I need your help. I thank you in advance for your advises and sharing ideas.

 

Situation

I'm a young man in my thirties living in Berlin.
I'm not ugly. I don't have any facial problems. Non-smoking. No addiction. Fit (But no six packs). I'm not vegan. I have a good job with good salary.

I work through internet. So I don't have the luxury of working in a big office with many coworkers and to chat with girls over the coffee machine. In fact I have to work from home.

I speak English and have a long way to learn German enough for dating a German-only girl. So I'm looking for someone who also speaks English.

I'm coming from a country with a very radical dictatorship who made any relation between opposite sexes except after marriage a serious crime worthy of taking life! So I couldn't find the opportunity to learn skills to help me find a girlfriend later after my immigration to a free society like Germany.

 

Tinder

For some technical reason I am banned from tinder app permanently (I first installed it on a rooted phone and their system automatically banned me and does not want to un-ban me ever. Their support does not respond to me. All the methods of resetting the account didn't work).

 

Other online dating apps
Other than that, I also tried OkCupid and Parship and hit the same wall that most men do: No response at all from anyone. Maybe girls just use those apps to boost their self confidence and not to respond to anyone ever. Whatever is the reason, I respect them for not answering me. But the effect of sending thousands of messages carefully crafted and emotionally described one by one separately and uniquely to hundreds of people without copy paste, just to receive zero answer from any one of them is so crushing for me that I don't want to try that EVER AGAIN. So please do not give me advice on how to boost my online dating profile. If it has worked for you, then good for you. Congratulations! But for me, enough is enough. No more online dating!
 

Speed Dating Event Websites

I tried looking for speed dating events. I could only find two websites. I cannot figure out if they are only for German speaking people or English speaking people can also join. Because all the text on the website was only in German. Another problem with these two websites was that one of them by chance puts my age in a range of people equal to my age or 10 years older. Therefore as a man, I will be the youngest person in the group dating women all older than me! There was absolutely no other age range in the site which works for me.

 

Dating/Singles meetup events

Then I tried looking for singles meetings on Meetup.com and I realized the company has banned all dating groups in 2016! Why?!

 

Smuggling my heart into non-dating meetup events

Another idea was to go to meetups which are not about dating and then try to find a girl to date with. Problem here is that, people whom I meet are not expecting a date there. Most of them are temporarily in Berlin and will move out of the city the next day (In fact the website meetup.com which is becoming a monopoly in this business is very popular with travelers rather than locals). Most participants are male. And if I find any female participant who is not traveling to another continent the next day, is not 20 years older than me, and by chance I can compete over 10 other single men in the room over her attention, then these cases are so rare and it might take decades until I find a real match this way.

 

Accepting living alone

I also tried to accept living alone. Maybe it's the end of dating as we know it. Maybe human race will go extinct. Maybe the future is human cloning and lonely men and women who always live alone. But I'm sure there must be a way out there. I just don't know how.

 

So what?

So what else I can do? Should I walk to street and ask girls for phone number? Am I the only person who is banned from the Tinder and cannot find any other way of finding a partner?

Once again I thank you for any comment. Please do not judge me. I'm just trying to be a good person. Share the beauties of life with a soulmate. I want to be optimistic. And I am open to advises.

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Maybe this is not what you are looking for, but what about joining a club, for example a sports club? Or sign up for a German class and maybe you'll meet someone. 

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6 hours ago, Pesar said:

Situation

I'm a young man in my thirties living in Berlin.
I'm not ugly. I don't have any facial problems. Non-smoking. No addiction. Fit (But no six packs). I'm not vegan. I have a good job with good salary.

I work through internet. So I don't have the luxury of working in a big office with many coworkers and to chat with girls over the coffee machine. In fact I have to work from home.

I speak English and have a long way to learn German enough for dating a German-only girl. So I'm looking for someone who also speaks English.

 

There is a big community of people from your country in Düsseldorf, and from what i have heard, significant communities in Wiesbaden and Berlin.   Have you considered getting socially connected with them?   I have found the Iranians in Germany to be friendly and much better educated on average than the locals.   

 

Good luck.

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2 minutes ago, generalmartok said:

More likely, you will meet someone when you are not expecting it.

 

How true, how true.

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have you tried  https://www.berlinersingles.de/

 

it's like meetup for singles.  The thing is, most events will be german speaking, but that should not stop you from listing your own english speaking event.  Attending the german speaking events is also a great way to improve your german skills.

 

another thing to note is that at least in munich where I attended, there is no "dating" vibe at the events (though that may depend on the type of event), rather the point is primarily to meet new people and engage in activities with common interest.  you can indeed contact individual people you find interesting, too to arrange a meeting.  

 

I don't think it's very expensive to join. eta:  looks like it's about 80 euros if you go for a year's membership, no extra premium for men.

 

as the general points out, desperation is very unattractive, so cool your jets, develop some patience,  and just enjoy having a nice outing with new people with no attachment to where that goes.  worst case you don't meet the love of your life, but you have some fun doing whatever with a group of other people.

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Blimey, things have changed since my day. Just go somewhere and do what you normally enjoy doing.

Don't bother with "dating". Grab a mate or two and go to a bar somewhere, sink a few glasses of personality enhancer, and see where the night takes you. You might even meet someone you like doing the same sort of thing. If not, don't worry, at least you'll have had a night out. 

 

 

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^^ This

OP just needs to get out and do things but he seems to think he can't do this by himself. I also work from home but I go to the gym first thing in the morning, to a cafe at lunchtime for a cup of coffee and go out to a bar a couple of nights a week. In all 3 places you end up seeing the same people over and over again so say, "hello" and over time a conversation starts. In all 3 places I have met women that I have had relationships with even though I didn't go to these places with the intention of meeting someone and maybe that is the problem here?

 

A lot of German people speak very good English and if they want to have a conversation they will even though it may be a bit stunted to start with. Twenty years ago an English friend of mine ended up in a relationship with a Polish woman who couldn't speak much English. They ended up carrying around a Polish-English pocket dictionary and using it when they couldn't explain things to each other and managed to get by.

 

OP - it sounds like you are trying too hard and probably getting frustrated and having confidence issues when you don't meet someone each time you try. Just relax and get out and do things and eventually you will meet someone. Normally when people try too hard they come across as desperate and this can frighten people off.

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Find a place that specializes on Persian food, they usually have flyers or posters announcing events with Persian background in town.

 

Please don't misunderstand that as racial segregation, but I believe that (re)gaining confidence in smalltalk or flirting it's the best to do that on "known turf".

 

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Maybe a bit of information in general: Germany has no formalized "dating culture" as e.g. the US does where you ask someone out on a date and there are certain expectations after 1, 2, 3 etc. dates. (Even though it is of course also possible to find a partner there without going through this process.)

Many people know this from movies and maybe it is catching on amongst the younger generation - I am 30+ so I wouldn't know. Also, maybe Berlin is different, having a large international population. But most people I know met their partners in social settings - a party, a club (Verein), in a group of friends, volunteering for something, walking their dog. etc.

 

So I would second what has already been said a few times: Go out, do something you like or find a new hobby, enjoy life. Do something for you! What do you like? Cooking? Hiking? Kayaking? Biking? Book club? Maybe you won't meet the love of your life (right away). But you sound like you could also do with some good friends. Working from home can be very lonely and I know I would crave to have people to share my thoughts with. Just bear in mind that Germans might need a bit longer to warm up and Berlin is full of transients who don't stay for very long. But they might have other friends who do...

Good luck!

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What about visiting a dancing school? And don´t forget to point out that you don´t share the mainstream religious beliefs of where you come from as this might put off young Western women. And for good reason. I have to think of a friend of my late wife who got married to an Iranian who mutated from a nice guy to a patriarch expecting her to look after his extended family once they moved to his home country of Iran. She was trapped there (needing e. g. written permission by her husband to walk the street on her own) as she couldn´t leave unless she abandoned her child.

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You've gotten some really good advice here. 

 

So what to do in the meantime, consider working on yourself. What are positive attributes you can bring to a relationship. Consider  the kind of person you're interested in attracting, what's non-negotiable for you, what kind of relationship you may want to have with someone special. What are some things about yourself that may be difficult or an issue in dating or in a relationship, What are some things you may want to self-improve.

 

Relationships don't just happen in a vacuum, no matter how much you may be longing to have one. No matter how lonely you may feel or how desperate you are to have a relationship.

 

Relationships are complex that require openness, trust, honesty, introspection, emotional support, thoughtfulness, respect, compromise, good listening skills, time... etc. etc.

 

Hope this list doesn't scare you, but it takes effort to make a relationship thrive once you meet someone. :)

 

 

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Best thing you can do is go to a beginning German class.  I took one here and everyone spoke English.  I wasn't looking to hook up but I did meet an English girl and became good friends with her and her husband.  You don't even need to pay if it is not a full class.  Just show up the first day and if there are no prospects, head for another class.  If it looks good tell the teacher you had problems with the website and will sign up right away.

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Become an English teacher. I got quite a few offers in that position and am really not very attractive. You're standing up there in front of them so they have to keep looking at you, you're in charge which looks quite sexy...

 

In the days before OLD I also got chatted up in the pub, on the train... you have to start conversations. Just start one in English and you'll soon find out if theirs is good enough.

 

And write an ad on ebay Kleinanzeigen and other local Kleinanzeigen websites. Here in Dresden there's a local events magazine which has a website, maybe you have something like that? In any case, with an ad you can just write one and keep putting it up again and again.

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1 hour ago, anne k said:

Become an English teacher. I got quite a few offers in that position

 

My experience supports anne k's suggestion.Good luck.

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On 26.6.2019, 02:12:53, JN53 said:

Maybe this is not what you are looking for, but what about joining a club, for example a sports club? Or sign up for a German class and maybe you'll meet someone. 

Joining a club (Verein) is the "standard" suggestion which indirectly worked for me...

 

Having commuted between UK & Hamburg for a number of years (no chance of a relationship when in that mode) I moved here in 1982.

I had actually joined a club the previous year - learning to fly sailplanes (I'd been an aeromodeller back in the UK).

Through that I learnt some conversational German but my hopes of meeting someone through the club did not materialise.  OK -. girls

are rare in flying clubs (actually we currently have 7 girls in our trainee group).

Anyhow it was July or August 1984 when I sort of bumped into Heike in the corridor at the lab & things went downhill from there.

Her English was pretty good & with my German we somehow managed to communicate.  It still took 4 years to get her to the Standesamt.

 

...and I'm still a member of the same club.

 

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