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Bringing help to a meeting with the Jugendamt

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Hi,

 

I have to have a meeting with the jugendampt about my daughter. She is not getting along with her Mum and would like to live with me.

The mother is attacking me through the jugendampt and they only listen to her side and not to mine. I want to be treated fairly I wonder would it 

be good to bring someone along to the meeting, like my German girlfriend or a bi-lingual lawyer for instance?

 

What are your opinions?

 

Cheers


Dave

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The thing is that my ex lies, and they believe only her. My girlfriend is a third person who also knows what has been going on. They don't really do it in English

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The thing is, especially if you speak no German your girlfriend can say whatever she wants, and whether she will DO that or not, is not even the point.  It is too easy for a beamter to assume she *is* doing that.  Take an impartial translator and explain everything that is going on, yourself.  

 

ETA: you could possibly request to have the Jungendamt interview your girlfriend, but she should not speak for you.

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Last time they told me I could only see my daughter every fortnight, I had to accept it, no choice. I asked if they could ask my daughter what she wanted, they didn't really ask her. Actually they seem to also side with my ex against my daughter. But the next appointment is with her, I would like someone to make sure they are impartial, maybe a family lawyer would do that? She is 13 by the way, unfortunately 1 year away from when they have to listen to her.

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But I want my girlfriend to say whatever she wants (so long as she stays calm) she knows the situation pretty well by now, she has also had 9 years of it!

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My German is not that bad, its just that I mostly don't trust the JA to be fair to me or my daughter, last time I went there on my own they walked all over me (and my daughter) and there was nothing I could do to make them be fairer, it was really like talking to a brick wall.

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Its not your girlfriends place... The JA are there for your daughters interests...

 

The law says "every forthnight"... End of!!  ( when disputes arise) 

 

You sound like you are suprised when you say "She lies all the time"...

 

Lets be honest... we all have EXes that have told lies about us...

 

This is my last coment on this topic...

 

Take advice... or do it your way...  

 

TT needs the click bait!

 

 

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Because she also knows what the situation is, it's another opinion. The language is not really such an issue it is more to maintain fairness

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26 minutes ago, enxdtw said:

Because she also knows what the situation is, it's another opinion. 

 

It is not an impartial opinion.

 

If you bring your GF you might as well bring your mother to offer her opinion as well.

 

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I agree with the others. Your girlfriend is not objective especially in the eyes of the JA, it does not matter if she fully understands the situation or not the JA will not believe her more than you and in fact might believe her less so!

 

If you don't want to get walked over by the JA then you need to take a lawyer with you.   They will ensure that the JA follow the process to the letter, and they will know that and will try extra hard to ensure fairness in front of a lawyer.  This will then you you more time and chance to express yourself and the facts.

 

The advice about staying calm is 100% correct.  You must stick to the facts and not get emotional.  Tell the JA that you "want what is best for your daughter.  if this is staying with her mother, then you are OK with that.  But clearly the situation between mother and daughter is not healthy and needs to be resolved."

tell them

"you will support them in doing what ever is right to improve the situation.  But that it needs to be improved and they need to do something quickly, before things get worse.".

 

also you can say to your daughter in front of them that

"she (your daughter) needs to understand that IF she did live with you full time that it would be totally different than just staying with you.  And you would expect her to do chores around the house, to help with xxx, yyy.  That you have a routine and regime and that she will have to adapt to that and a different way of living.  And you have high expectations of her and expect her to contribute to the house and improve her school work."

 

or something similar, which makes it clear that your daughter is not going to walk all over you if she lives with you.  The JA will then see that you are serious and understand the impact such a change will have on you, your new family (girlfriend) and your daughter.  I'm not saying you don't realise this, just that you need to make sure that the JA know you realise this.

 

You also have to consider that the JA might (rightly or wrongly) think that you have been manipulating your daughter to think bad about her mother, create problems and then come and live with you.  People do this, so they have to be aware.    They will also not want to change the living conditions of a family unless it is really necessary.  It has worked up to now, so why should it suddenly be a problem.

 

Also remember, that all kids hate one or more of their parents at one time or another.  And during the teenage years this can be very problematic and cause big issues.  So you have to consider if this just the case, or is there really a bigger problem.  Maybe you have to tell your daughter "grow up" and act responsibly, and that learning to live together with somebody who has different ideas/views than you is part of becoming an adult.  And maybe a compromise between daughter and mother is possible.  

 

 

11 hours ago, SpiderPig said:

....

The other bit of advise that I can give is when your ex is giving you absolute shit...  Just be polite back to her.. it really throws them off big time!

 

...

 

BTW:  This tactic really works!    In shows you being calm and in control, and them being bitter and aggressive. And it immediately gets neutrals (such as JA) on your side.

 

 

 

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12 hours ago, enxdtw said:

She is 13 by the way, unfortunately 1 year away from when they have to listen to her.

 

The Jugendamt decides with the well-being of the child in mind regardless of what the child or either of the parents want. Even when the child has reached the age of 14 and says it would prefer to live with one or the other parent, the JA will overide the child's choice if they think it's better for the child to stay where it is. Children can decide for themselves where they want to live when they are 18.

https://www.frag-einen-anwalt.de/Ab-welchem-Alter-koennen-Kinder-bei-Trennung-der-Eltern-entscheiden,-bei-wem-sie-leben--f208923.html

 

25 minutes ago, dj_jay_smith said:

Also remember, that all kids hate one or more of their parents at one time or another.  And during the teenage years this can be very problematic and cause big issues.  So you have to consider if this just the case, or is there really a bigger problem.  Maybe you have to tell your daughter "grow up" and act responsibly, and that learning to live together with somebody who has different ideas/views than you is part of becoming an adult.  And maybe a compromise between daughter and mother is possible.  

 

This is so true. They can be very manipulative at that age. My own daughter was so hostile to me during puberty. My husband and I were divorced amicably and we stayed friendly. He lived in a different town. She would tell me time and time again that she would prefer to live with him, but only stayed with me because of her friends. It was so hurtful, but if she wanted something, she could be sooo nice, and then suddenly be so nasty again. Most parents go through this. At 18 after she had moved into her own flat her attitude changed dramatically for the better and she even apologised for having been so nasty to me. She's going through the same with her own daughter now.

 

The Jugendamt knows all about these manipulative scenarios and the case workers have to assess accordingly. 

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