I want to end my marriage!

54 posts in this topic

I may have skipped the part where billabong states the age of her child. Certainly if it's still a baby and she's nursing, there might be reservations about babysitting beyond a couple of hours, whether it's the MIL or anyone else

I don't know how common it is nowadays for young fathers to have a lot to do with infants, but those who are unused too babies and small children have to be taught. When I was having babies fifty years ago it didn't bother me that my husband wasn't responsive to the children - it was normal for the times. But fathers need warmth too, and the realization that they're immensely important to their children, whether for recreation or for comfort. I'm sure Herr Billabong wants to be part of the child's life but doesn't know that children need "mothering" from both parents.

Good luck - a baby can bring parents closer together, but sometimes it takes a little more effort. OOnce he realizes he's as important to your baby as you are, he'll warm to its care.

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and are programmed to have that feeling. Not the same for men. He may feel uncomfortable when the child cries or not know how to deal with it, he will not have the same natural response as a mother
any other sexist and uninformed comments you would like to make?
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By the way if you choose to break up I think option B is the most reasonable one - I dont think it is fair to take the child off to Australia

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I moved here 11 years ago and have been with my partner for 10, married for 5. In the early days of my life here in Germany, we lived in a smaller center. Although I learned German quickly enough, I had real difficulties adapting to the cultural differences. I became more and more homesick for my home country, isolated and ultimately miserable. I began to think: I met him here + he couldn't imagine moving to my home country + I stay for him = he is (at least partially) responsible for my unhappiness. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was missing back home and what could have been. When I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore, I sat down with him in our kitchen and told him honestly how I felt. We both had a really big cry and he told me how important I was for him & how much he loved me. I was really moved and we really reconnected, but we also realized we needed a plan to go forward. What we ended up deciding was to attempt to relocate, within Germany, to a larger urban center - wherever we could find work - Frankfurt and Berlin were both considered, among others. It took some time, but eventually we found work in Berlin so here we are. I understand that it is more complicated with a child in the picture, but perhaps you can both make some compromises or some sort of new arangement that works for your situation.

 

Some people thrive in Germany and don't ever look back, for others it can be a bit more challenging. Nowadays I am very content here in this country and strangely enough I couldn't even imagine moving back to my home country anymore. It really helps that here in the city I can have my foot in both worlds - the German one and the English speaking one. The balance has been great. I would really recommend having an honest conversation and making an action plan. (Incidentally, if my MIL lived with us for a month I would go bonkers). Good luck.

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New moms are supersensitive anyway and with your history, you maybe even more prone to feel things deeply enough to cause your stress.

 

Your husband is probably confused too, especially if he is a new dad, they, like new moms are expected to stumble around a bit. Friend had this same problem, that dad was not affectionate with their child. Turns out he was terrified he would break her.

 

The only way you know is to ask, you may find that he is not sure of what he is doing and that he loves you both very much.

 

Be kind to each other and forgiving. It will get easier.

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As the mother you would also go through many changes. If the child is still young you could even still be having effects of the changing hormones of pregnancy and giving birth. It can take longer then you think to recover from child birth and pregnancy. It changes your body in many ways. I mention this as it seems you have mood changes and maybe some depression since you miss home and feel disappointed about your husband. I would say that even if you do not think you are suffering from depression you could have some slight 'baby blues (PND)'. This can be caused by the incorrect hormone balance following child birth and pregnancy. You mentioned you are not attracted to your husband anymore this could be a product of baby blues. It is common to lose interest in sex and feel differently about a person. You will also become more sensitive to things that may not of upset you in the past. Now of course I am not a doctor and only have the information from your post. But as I read it I feel that maybe your unhappiness is the cause of the problems with your husband. The unhappiness could be related to 'baby blues' and being away from home. It is common that people do not even consider they could have baby blues, it does not enter their minds. But it can creep up on you and you do not even think about it.

 

Best post in the thread!

 

Women go for their first child thinking everything is pink that they will have the best moments of their lives, forgetting that they will probably also go through the worst moments. The hormones levels just go over the roof and lasts for many years after the birth. A lot of women have problems coping with it and they refuse to recognize that something is different on their attitudes. Go for counseling! They can help you distinguish between what are your individual problems and what are your "couple" problems.

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What a lovely post to read, Billabong. A bit of communication and understanding is already growing again. Well done all of you, MIL included - she sounds rather fab.

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many people, not just parents, feel helpless when a baby cries for no apparent reason and have kind of a panic reaction. When that happens, make sure the baby's warm, dry, comfortable, fed; then put it in a room and close the door. Sometimes babies just cry - I say it's their way of exercising. Anyhow, after maybe fifteen minutes the baby will probably have calmed down, the adult also, and it's safe to put them together again. I think a lot of shaken baby syndrome cases arise from this sense of helplessness. Better to let a baby cry than to injure it. Just because a man/woman is a parent doesn't mean s/he automatically knows what to do, even though s/he loves the baby. Your husband may have thought he ought to know what to do. Believe me, it's a learning experience for everyone involved in the baby's care, as well as the baby itself. "Just love it" isn't enough advice. Be willing to take advice from family and friends until you find the gentlest way that works.

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many people, not just parents, feel helpless when a baby cries for no apparent reason and have kind of a panic reaction. When that happens, make sure the baby's warm, dry, comfortable, fed; then put it in a room and close the door. Sometimes babies just cry - I say it's their way of exercising. Anyhow, after maybe fifteen minutes the baby will probably have calmed down,

 

 

Yesterday I was in the clinic with my daughter and was so disturbed by a babay in the treatment room crying. The parents came out - they were asylum seekers who have moved into our town lately. I felt so sorry for the baby. its crying went through me.

 

Sorry but I do not agree with that advice of as the Germans call it "Schreien lassen". When both ours cried, we went to them and picked them up. hugged them. With our first, we spent hours calming her down and yes probably did make mistakes but used instinct not "rules".

 

I used to ring my Mum in Britain all the time. She'd say kids are just "crafty" and I didn't agree there with here even though she was a brilliant Mum.

 

If a baby is crying pick it up for Gods sake. Feed it it a bottle if you a man, if you are a lady get your titties out (I can't stand British prudery over this btw) and feed him or her. Check their nappies. if you're make and there is a nappy table and no woman present get in with it alone. Baby care is actually common sense. I know as a man I have done all this. Yes I was exhausted and shattered and depressed much of the time but I am here and I have a bond with mine which is brilliant.

 

Also never forget the bloody telly. Teletubbies were a godsend also Mr Tumble - I always thought I'd love to get Justin Fletcher of Cbeebies drunk to thank him for calming my kids down! :)

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My son had a phase when he would start crying at 2 am every night (for about 2 months) for no obvious reason. Even though I was tempted to suffocate him with a pillow I used to put him into the baby carriage and had a walk around the block. Everytime he fell asleep within 5 min and slept through until morning. Worth a try!

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Sorry to read about your unhappiness...

 

My thoughts on reading your first post were that I hear this alot. People can change...

 

I think stress can play a big factor and can certainly change people for the worse temporarily and make their behavior unbelievable. Its not until the stress is relieved or has gone that they realize what they had and look back and think what they had. Usually its too late, but a temporary separation if possible might help to see if he sees things differently when you and your daughter are not there. Better than grinding on until things have gone too far and getting back together will never happen.

 

That's what I think...

 

Hope it works out.

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