Elderly parent care. What are the financial obligations?

36 posts in this topic

My mother has long terrorized me with the threat that I have to do everything for her when she's older as I'm an only child. She didn't however, think anything about leaving me as a 14 year old to be cared for by neighbors like a stray cat and my father who was only home at weekends. Living in the UK kept us apart though now I live only a few kilometers away from her. She constantly implies that my husband and I are her future meal ticket.

 

Tactful as my mother is not, she recently goaded my 13 year old daughter telling her that it's the law that I have to pay at least 2000€ per month for her possible future care. And, if I don't have the money then we have to sell our house to pay etc. She has her own house which even now is far too big and unmanageable though she steadfastly refuses to sell.

 

Does anyone roughly know where I would stand financially should she require care in the future? I feel like I've a gun held to my head. Could any of my assets in the UK be accountable? I know I sound heartless but I could never see her in any way destitute no matter how terrible a mother she is.

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Yes. She is German and moved back here about 20 years ago.

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AFAIK she has to liquidate her own assets before the State can demand your contribution. Also, your contribution must not leave you destitute yourself.

 

Tell her to provide the results of her research before making any unfounded statements. Also, tell her to move in with your witch-in-law, she seems to have room.

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AFAIK she has to liquidate her own assets before the State can demand your contribution. Also, your contribution must not leave you destitute yourself.

 

Exactly. We went through this with my mother-in-law a couple of years ago. Thankfully things took a turn for the better and she ended up not needing our support (which we would have been happy to give her) but there was a definite procedure to go through with the Sozialamt and the adult child is left enough to maintain a good standard of living.

 

Your mother is talking nonsense.

 

Elternunterhalt (Deutschland)

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Great idea Sara. My mother and MIL have hated each other since childhood. I just remembered that a while back, when I was going through major MIL trauma, she rang to speak to my husband to spew some more venom about me. He told her I was out and put the phone on speaker. Amongst a variety of ugly accusations including me wanting to kill him, was her reference to my mother..."fett, dreckig und schlampig". So all I need to do is tell my mother what she said and just let nature take its course...

 

Thanks for the advice regarding liquidating her own assets first. Still afraid that it's not all that much.

 

Westvan, thank you for the link. I haven't read it all properly, just choked reading that the Pflicht includes parent in law.

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I wonder if the pflicht would be the same if I were resident in the UK?

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My daughter just told me the rest of what my mother told her. Mother believes that I have to pay for her care or care for her myself whilst she stays in her own home otherwise I wont inherit anything from her. This doesn't concern me anyway having been estranged from her most of my life. She then went on to tell her grandchild that she will kill herself if she has to go into a home which would be my fault. She's doesn't win grandmother of the year award does she.

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How does your daughter feel about her grandmother? Are they close? Do you think it would be better for your daughter if she had less contact with her grandmother (as in no contact)?

 

You might want to consider also not enlightening your mother about what you learned here and let her continue to be misinformed.

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... but there was a definite procedure to go through with the Sozialamt and the adult child is left enough to maintain a good standard of living ...

 

...and be able to afford to provide for his/her own retirement

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I'm not so sure if I've misunderstood the German Google results but it really does look like I'm technically obligated to pay unterhalt so mother isn't entirely wrong other than stating a particular sum. Looking at the various rechners online though, it doesn't look like our income would be enough to have to pay nor is there any mention that we would have to sell our property nor use any savings in order to pay. The rechners only refer to income and payments for our home- bought or rented.

 

My mother never made any effort to see her only grandchild before we moved here to Germany when she was 10 years old. Despite being very careful not to influence my daughter's opinion of her Oma, she very quickly decided for herself that Oma is simply not a nice person at all....very tamely expressed. My mother has even gone to great lengths to discredit me to my father and my husband. The recent dialogue with my daughter was during a very short visit when I had to fix something for her.

 

I've been quite unwell for a few months and she told me that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore as "ich brauche auch meine Ruhe". She said the same a few years ago after I had to go for emergency cancer checks. I had a blissful year of no contact until she wanted something from me. I now only get calls from her husband, my stepfather, when he wants me to sort something for them.

 

I so wish I were strong enough to tel her %*}>~>~{#. I'm just too soft though my husband is very close to the point of no return.

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... nor is there any mention that we would have to ... use any savings in order to pay ...

 

I'm pretty sure that savings are taken into consideration but I can't find my source right now.

It does seem logical that if are sitting on a few million euro (to exaggerate slightly) you could afford to assist even when you have zero income.

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Thanks AB, if only it were a few mill stashed away then there wouldn't be a problem :D.

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... she will kill herself if she has to go into a home which would be my fault.

Sell tickets to the event. After all, executions used to be public.

 

 

I so wish I were strong enough to tel her %*}>~>~{#. I'm just too soft though my husband is very close to the point of no return.

Hang on, after inflicting his mother (and sister/s, IIRC) on you for years he is impatient with your relatives?

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I'm not so sure if I've misunderstood the German Google results but it really does look like I'm technically obligated to pay unterhalt so mother isn't entirely wrong

 

Yes, you are obligated, but certainly not in the way she has been talking about. You may also be able to contest it a bit because of the estrangement issues.

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Your mother is full of crap. Yes, children do have to help support their parents, but it is all calculated out by the Amt in charge, and it seems to be rather fair. My husband's Oma is now in a Heim, and his mother has to help with the support. First, Oma's assets were used - well, she didn't have any, but basically any savings and her pension go to the Heim. She gets a certain amount of the pension as pocket money.

 

My MIL has to contribute a certain amount each month, but it isn't too bad she said, because it is pro-rated against your income. She had to collect all of her tax returns and pay stubs and info on other income for a bunch of years for them to see, and then they calculated what she should contribute to Oma's care. And if she had dependents, apparently that would also lower her payments for Oma.

 

I don't know all of the mechanics (others here will know much better), I just know that my MIL was rather pleasantly surprised because it wasn't nearly as bad as she expected.

 

You know, we should put your mother and your MIL into a ring, and just watch them go at it. You could sell tickets and popcorn, and you could likely make enough money to fund both of their retirements from all of us morbidly watching the old witches in a cat fight! :lol:

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Don't forget to order T-shirts and hats! They'll bring in extra money for the old dears' upkeep between bouts.

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