I paid for the flat, separating from GF

291 posts in this topic

 

I wonder though if your GF was as scheming as you portray. Often people drift through life without a grand plan. Circumstances have a tendency to foil us. I don't suppose she thought she would be studying for 15 years when she first met you. She probably just did what she thought was best at the time after the first job-hunting period bore no immediate fruit. If you were so unhappy that she enrolled a second time at university you could have remonstrated with her any time. Just cos you enroll for a second course of study does not mean you have to follow it through to the bitter end come what may.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Forewarned is forearmed. Lucky there are no kids in this instance.

 

Regardless of what her intent may or may not have been as a 17 year old (and getting away from her parents may well have been her top concern at that point), what set Goblin off was her applying and getting accepted to university to study for another (not higher) degree at age 32 without telling him at a time when he was expecting her to find a job in order to help pay for their living expenses. She showed that she was not trustworthy and not serious about contributing to their joint finances, so I can see why Goblin finally lost his patience after supporting her for 15 years, with no end in sight, despite her certainly being able to work since she already possessed a degree and is a native German speaker.

 

Were there other factors? Probably, but what Goblin cited sure sounds like a good reason to end a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. They weren't married, had no kids, and the apartment wasn't owned jointly, so it was a relatively simple matter to break up with her.

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If he was really important to her, and she loved him that much, she could have easily un-enrolled from the university and gone out job hunting. Not just continued with her course of action, hoping that goblin would simply get used to it and go along with her study plans.

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My wife complained that my degree was costing a lot of money that we didn't have back then.

 

While she didn't leave me over it or anything, I doubt I would have stopped working on my future, if she had. I would have just stopped working on our future...

 

If she's going to leave me over something like that, the relationship is over anyway.

 

The fact remains, we simply don't know what she's thinking or how she feels. We only know what op thinks she's thinking and how he thinks she feels. Men are generally wrong on both counts, when it comes to women.

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If he was really important to her, and she loved him that much, she could have easily un-enrolled from the university and gone out job hunting. Not just continued with her course of action, hoping that goblin would simply get used to it and go along with her study plans.

 

My thoughts exactly. She decided, whether or not I like it, to go ahead and do this and to let me get slowly used to it.

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Someone applying surreptitiously to a university to do yet another degree isn't an above-board action, especially when she knew that Goblin expected her to get a job. Most people would not take kindly to that sort of thing. If they were married, I'd advise counseling, but since they aren't, it's a different calculus.

 

Goblin, when you dumped her, did she try to get you to change your mind by offering to drop the idea of studying and look for work, or to do anything else? Speaking of the job search, did she ever apply for Zeitarbeit?

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she said she could look for summer work and work a part time job. i heard this during the last degree and know that she never will never get around to it. she was always too busy with other things she does with her friends.

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Dday on Sunday. Moving to a friend of hers. We hope to get most of her things moved this weekend.

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Dday on Sunday. Moving to a friend of hers. We hope to get most of her things moved this weekend.

 

Hope it all goes off without a hitch.

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Hope it all goes off without a hitch.

 

So do I. It looks like a go though and all being well, I should have things finalised by next week.

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All done now. Went pretty well actually.

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That's good. No terribly hard feelings on her part? She must realize she pushed you too far. All's well that ends well.

 

How's the cat taking it? ;)

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the cat stays with me as her friend, whom she is staying with, does not like cats.

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an eternal student is a deal breaker no matter what, after some time you've simply had enough, evolved, evtl. got a better job, and they're still forever students. some people simply don't wanna grow up. She must have had 3-4 University degrees by now

I was too young when I married my first GerMann, and after a year we realised it wouldn't work. Since I didn't have any qualifications, he agreed to support me while I got my Fachhochschule diploma. So I became a fulltime student in a different city, we stayed married, and he paid me the difference between tax class I and 3 -- about 600 DM if I remember correctly. (It didn't work for the last year, aftre which we got divorced -- the Finanzamt reasoned that that was a Trennungsjahr! (year of separation).

Then I got a job. Between times I had a job here and there as well.

 

I'm just saying that it's OK to be dependent if the final aim is self-sufficiency.

 

My second GerMann also supported me for many years; but then, I raised our kids, and wrote books, and took care of him!

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I was too young when I married my first GerMann, and after a year we realised it wouldn't work. Since I didn't have any qualifications, he agreed to support me while I got my Fachhochschule diploma. So I became a fulltime student in a different city, we stayed married, and he paid me the difference between tax class I and 3 -- about 600 DM if I remember correctly. (It didn't work for the last year, aftre which we got divorced -- the Finanzamt reasoned that that was a Trennungsjahr! (year of separation).

Then I got a job. Between times I had a job here and there as well.

 

I'm just saying that it's OK to be dependent if the final aim is self-sufficiency.

 

My second GerMann also supported me for many years; but then, I raised our kids, and wrote books, and took care of him!

 

A woman or man staying home looking after the kids cannot be described as a dependant. That is a full time job with lots of overtime.

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So, longtime Toytowner , mostly introverted lurker . i'm not well known . very ordinary person I think . I'm going through a breakup that's been long due similar to the guy in this forum but one major key point , yes i bought the apartment but i put her 50% in the grundbuch because i didn't want her to feel in a 'master slave' relationship . 14 years later and a 14 and 12 year old she sees the flat as half hers , insists that she did nearly everything around the house . i paid her 1k a month for taking care of the household and running things , though i often wents grocery shopping and bought electronics and paid for holidays and so on . I've been out of work a year but kept paying that money even thought she's working half time ...  I'm hoping to get work again once corona lifts , lets see . I would say i did a lot around the house 
cooked, cleaned , stuff with the kids. would have done even more but I see her as controlling and it's a pain in the ass to be cooking with/near her for example , she leaves the kitchen like it's been bombed after cooking a meal. drives me a bit mental . same for clothes washing , it's getting more and more ridiculous, eveything in color bunces (last count about 7) needs to be turned inside out and of course it takes weeks for a bunch to be big enough to be washed and ready for use, meantime the bath and sometime the shower is full of clothers. that type of thing multiplied all over . I'd do it myself but i'm not allowed 


I also have to say i've been verbally I suppose i could call it bullying non stop for years and years but felt cornered and powerless to do someting about it and thought I'll stay for the kids and it was often bad for them as well as they often got it if i didn't . wasn't always bad but it's hard to describe . I've years of skyp and whatsapp messages where she threathens me with not seeing the kids (before the law changed and she can't decide , i have automatic rights even if unmarried) , going to tax authorities and reporting me (time limit is up on this 10 years, been clean as a whistle since) , numerous almost insane things . i think this paints a bad picture of her for stability for the kids and myself . it's literally years and years of it week in and out , few days or quietness and then it erupts. 

Had the kids down in munich for a few days alone in munich today and when i got back to the share flat two hours away, it soon kicked off because we had a jugendamt online meeting yesterday where she claimed she does everything basically alleinerziehend, she's in the grundbuch , going round in circles. He mother is in her mid 80's alone in a big house. i'd give her something but not half the apartment . She suggested i live in munich where i used to live and she in the apartment with the kids and take it from there. Not a good option to me . 

Kids got involved today when we got back as they see that we should try everything possible before firing off letters to each other and wasting money (all more or less mine anyway) and i told my kids the money will go on them anyway. So we 4 spend about 2 hours going round in circles . She naming what she did for 14 years , kids saying it's history Dad did a lot too . Offered to move out until abitur is over in 6 years and then get back the flat . open to continuing on something like or the same financial support . She's not on for giving me the flat back after 6 years. I bought that flat and a brand new car 14 years ago ...

Please advice. I do know that involving the kids is a very risky and damaging (for the kids) but it was the only way i could think of getting some sort of pressure on the issue . The oldest child says that we should keep doing this until we have tried this many times before throwing our money away on lawyers. 

i'm still looking for advice . I'm giving a one side story here so yes, i don't know what color glasses i have on and yes i've dragged my partner by the hair and clothes out of the apartment once and another time more forcefully without leaving any marks. I am asahmed and regretful for this, i try and stay out of triggering insult matches and wear headphones all day so i can't hear her shouting at the kids . 

It wasn't always this bad , but was never a solid relationship either and the better times seem distant. 

that'll do for now . thanks

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Some sympathy for a father in custody/ marital dispute, but  that dried up when you talked about dragging her out of the apartment.

Also, working part-time and  looking after children and home= 2 jobs.

Moaning about washing and mess- well, both children are old enough to help.

 Not a good move trying to pressure your children into taking sides.

You need a family disputes lawyer to discuss rights, custody etc. 

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