Punography - Favourite Puns

[Techsmex 13,360]

Toytown has threads on best/worst jokes, but I couldn't find one for most punny one-liners, not even tearable ones. I think puns deserve their own place. Here's a few to get started..

 

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran.

 

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

 

There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[katheliz 17,879]

Three brothers invested in a cattle ranch, and they asked their mother to name their spread.

"Focus," she said. "Because that's where the sons raise meat."

[john g. 37,695]

Well, I´m reading a book about anti-gravity right now. It´s impossible to put down.

[sarabyrd 18,767]

Two old ladies took a bottle of scotch to a baseball game. By the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

[katheliz 17,879]

Haha! Two old ladies went for a tramp in the woods, but he got away.

[sarabyrd 18,767]

Two old ladies were at a football (real football!) game when a streaker ran past them.

One had a stroke, the other missed.

[Kazalphaville 1,813]

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

[sarabyrd 18,767]

Sometimes, singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away. A whim away!

[hooperski 29,422]

Unknowingly, I walked into a gay pub and went up to the bar to take a seat and order a drink.

The guy standing at the bar asked if he could push my stool in.

[clickety6 4,140]

Let me tell you the sauce of my troubles

I was in love with Rosemary

And relished the chance of proving myself

to her father, the Colonel

And so one chilli November morning on the battlefront

I foolishly ignored the sage advice of my sargeant

(pride being a cinnamon everywhere)

And trying to curry the favour of the Colonel

I mustard my troops in a futile charge

To a-salt the basil-ica

We peppered the enemy with shot thyme after thyme

Moving dill-igently forward so fast

That the rest of the army could not ketchup

We went parsley outer walls and entered the courtyard

Not realising we were being fennelled into a trap

Until hidden enemy troops opened fire upon us

They had known we were cumin all the time

And so now I languish in jail

Knowing I will never see my Rosemary again

And all because my plans were betrayed by spice

[plastic 225]

A Freudian slip is where you say one thing but mean your mother.

[El Jeffo 42,122]

As a gay British man, he wasn't very fond of birds, but he never said no to a cockatoo.

[rodisi 657]

1 Puns That Are So Bad, They’re Good.

[onemark 787]

rodisi:

 

Sorry, they're rather infantile. (No offence.)

[clickety6 4,140]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

 

It's Christmas time and Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a light-sabre battle.

 

Darth Vader says to Luke "Luke! Luke! I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke"

 

Luke cries "You can't know that!" and carries on fighting.

 

Darth Vader taunts Luke once again: "Luke! Luke! I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke"

 

Luke cries out "how could you know that?"

 

Darth Vader replies "I felt your presence, Luke"

[Techsmex 13,360]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[RickD. 28]

Agnostic dyslexics are people who don't believe there is a dog.

[Rebecca 880]

The scarecrow was quickly promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

[Techsmex 13,360]

You ate all the shrimp? That's so shellfish!

[RickMunich 3,901]