Some German jokes

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Some jokes from Germany:

 

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in

hospital.

 

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly

low self-esteem.

 

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their

appearance has a degree of gravitas.

 

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

 

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men

coming in and out of your wife's house.'

The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her

drug habit.'

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out

and runs away.

One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

More here: Jokes from Germany

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*my addition* ;)

Why did the German cross the road?

 

Because that's the way it should be done. At one point another older more experienced German told him that that was the way it should be done and to never question anything another older more experienced German tells you to do!

 

Oh, and tell all the younger less experienced Germans you see to cross the road as well. Especially if you have never met them before and have no business telling them what to do with their lives to begin with because that's the way it should be done. Why? Because another older and more experienced German told me so!

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This recently published opinion piece from The Guardian made me think. I've long wondered why that mediocre comic mainstay of the German New Year's Eve Party, "Dinner For One" has consistently evoked such jest from not only spiessig mainstream, but also cult Germany over the decades.

 

Personally I've spent some serious time in the Fatherland - more than I even care to remember. And I've learnt that our Aryan friends do, in fact, have a sense of humour; especially if one keeps the subject matter firmly away from:

 

1. The war

2. The female orgasm

3. The prospect of ever getting a pension.

 

Apart from those things, however, nothing is taboo. So why on earth do Germans, the poor misunderstood devils, get such a tough rap on humour? Or just don't we get them? Your thoughts on a quiet Friday.

 

[adminmerge][/adminmerge]

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I don't get German humor. Even when I understand those stand up comedians, I rarely feel like laughing while my German boyfriend or any other germans crack up.

 

Last weekend some comedy show was on late night, and this guy opened with "Was ist schwarz und bleibt zu hause? (or something along these lines) : Seal" Everyone seemed to laugh! :rolleyes:

 

Where is funny in that?

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Servus rockfisher!

 

I'm German but I love Nazi jokes, Hitler jokes etc.

 

My opinion is: Humor darf alles. I love political incorrect jokes. I would consider you understand German language pretty good right? If yes go to youtube and search for "Adolf Hitler Leasingvertrag". Then tell me what you think about it :-)

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Servus rockfisher!I'm German but I love Nazi jokes, Hitler jokes etc.My opinion is: Humor darf alles. I love political incorrect jokes. I would consider you understand German language pretty good right? If yes go to youtube and search for "Adolf Hitler Leasingvertrag". Then tell me what you think about it :-)

 

You see? This is the German joke. It would be really simple to supply a link, but no. You must do

 

stage 1, 2 and 3 in the correct order and then you will get the same result as if you had supplied the link, 27 weeks ago. And now your application is no longer valid because you...did not post it with your left hand, while the full moon was in Venus. Or something. Main thing is you had to do the legwork!

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Misses just said to me there, that i'm not taking life seriously enough. so i've decided to start tell German jokes

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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:

-------------------------------

 

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the

first time.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.

4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on

Channel 4.

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street

humiliating your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

 

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH:

--------------------------------

 

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.

2. Warm beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear.

10. Beats being Welsh or Scottish.

 

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:

------------------------------

1. Guinness.

2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Pubs never close.

5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican

Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have

sex with a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. Kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the

morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

 

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN:

-------------------------------

 

1. Chicken Madras.

2. Lamb Passanda.

3. Onion Bhaji.

4. Bombay Potato.

5. Chicken Tikka Masala.

6. Rogan Josh.

7. Popadoms.

8. Chicken Dopiaza.

9. Meat Boona.

10. Kingfisher lager.

 

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN:

-------------------------------

 

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. In-built sense of pacifism.

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A UK couple wanted to adopt a baby and eventually ended up adopted a German baby.

Things seemed normal enough but after 18 months they noticed that the baby hadn't said a thing.

Months passed and still nothing, so they took him to see their doctor.

He examined the baby and told them there was nothing medically wrong with the baby and not to worry, he may just be a slow learner.

More months went by and the parents started to get anxious so took the toddler to see a child psychologist.

He too examined the child and could not find any reason why the child was not talking.

Then years later the mother cooked the child a schnitzel for lunch and to the amazement of the mother, the child spoke.

She was overjoyed with emotion and choking back the tears asked why he hadn't spoken before, to which he replied.

"Up until now, everything has been satisfactory!".

 

That joke is so old that it gets its own pension - even in Germany.

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Blimey, irishstevetoytown! That´ll get them roaring in the aisles! Had to read it about 7 million times! Still not sure...

 

I remember when I was 18 and in Germany for the first time, working in a factory. Someone asked me for a cigarette and I told him I didn´t smoke. I also said " wenn ich rauchen würde, würde ich Dir eine geben " ( if I smoked, I´d give you one ). I wasn´t joking or anything but he burst out laughing " typical English humour! ".

 

Still don´t know what he meant..but your last joke made me wonder!!!

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well that looks like a laugh face so id say it was a decent joke:) But yeah don't understand why the guy laughed...

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Mind you, irishsteve, got my own back years later - I became an ex-non smoker and turned into a chain smoker!!!

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@ poppet

 

really a poor kraut bashing because I only failed to copy the youtube link out of my android youtube application into tt on my mobile while I was in the s-bahn. And it's still valid. f u too

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And there was me thinking this was the joke thread. Where people have a sense of humour? Kraut bashing? Why on earth would I do that?

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