Germans commenting on parenting styles

[sarabyrd 18,767]

You do not hesitate to comment on Germans' parenting styles.

 

 

We haven't been here long so it's just interesting to observe how cultures affect our parenting skills. I know there are other such threads about parenting but I wanted to open this to all the cultures present on TT rather than just a comparison of Brits, Americans vs. Germans. Also, this topic has not been started to be judgmental or snarky in any way. One of the best things of living abroad is absorbing and observing the cultures around us, and that's all I am interested in sharing.

I'll start.

Double strollers: Everyone I know uses them in the U.S. We are local celebrities here. We have been exclaimed upon, stopped and asked about our "twins" (toddler and baby) and pointed at. I get a comment or question every.single.time I am out with the double stroller---which is everyday.

Clothing: Most kids' clothing is shades of black, purple, red, and navy. In the U.S., it's a lot more colorful. I see it as double the choice and more trouble for the pocketbook.

Also with regards to clothing, German parents bundle up their kids in hats and scarves and jackets when temps hit 20 C or below. American kids are in shorts. My in laws are forever telling me to put more clothes on the kids.

 

Please share your observations as compared to your culture.

 

I see no reason why they should behave any differently.

[calibear 1,514]

 

You do not hesitate to comment on Germans' parenting styles.

 

I see no reason why they should behave any differently.

 

Well, but see, she does it behind their backs to other expats, while they actually dare to be upfront about it. :rolleyes:

[anne k 3,643]

I know what you mean about unsolicited advice, e.g. people on the street. Also not sure it's only German, but then I haven't had kids in the UK so can't compare! The most annoying example was once when I took my son with me to the vet's. He came in the room with me and she made him sit on a chair which, I noticed, was really wobbly and made a horrible noise whenever it wobbled - not suitable for a child. The next time, my husband took the cat in, and she said to him how noisy my son had been and how I should be stricter with him! We'd been there ten minutes ... and she'd said not a peep at the time; most un-German :-) I think some people have the idea that Americans and Brits spoil their children, so if they recognise an accent or know your background they assume you are probably too lenient. Apart from loving to generally dole out advice whenever possible!

 

I have to say, though, that I never thought of the advice I got at kindergarten as falling into the same category. That really did seem to me to be more about them being experts on what makes life easier at kindergarten, and sharing that knowledge with me; and about keeping a regular routine at kindergarten, where the large numbers of children make a regular routine even more helpful than at home. I understood comments about me not hanging about and leaving nice and quickly to be them telling me how things best worked at kindergarten, rather than them telling me they knew my children better than I did.

[mlovett 8,681]

 

Of course they should back off, but in order for a German to see that point, it has to be made quite clear. A friendly comment won't help.

 

OK, muchado, please print this out, and each time they give you unsolicited advice, pull it out, hold it up, say it bark it loudly in German. Repeat 3 times.

 

 

 

You should tell them off in an open way, something like "No, you are wrong and I know better". It's the only thing that works, being nice doesn't pay off in my experience.

 

Yep, it took many years for me to figure it out, but that works well also with German spouses. B)

[muchado 158]

Thanks for the laugh, mlovett. I saw lots of people in the States wearing these Keep Calm t-shirts. They remind me when "life is good" t-shirts were trendy. I think they still are.

I really appreciate the perspectives I have received here. However, after starting several conversations on TT, arguing my position on many of them, and receiving some useful suggestions, I have just come to the decision that this forum is not a good fit for me. I will muddle along with my American ways and find a way to survive in Germany till I live here but I think I am done with TT.

[mlovett 8,681]

 

I have just come to the decision that this forum is not a good fit for me.

 

I thought that often too when I lived in Germany. But here I still am, peddling crap advice. Stubborn, I am.

 

Hang in there.

[Thenomads 48]

It isn't just a German thing. I lived in Italy for a year and a half along with a few months at a time every few years. People were constantly pointing out how you are doing things wrong. My favorite though is the cardinal sin of not bundling your kids up until they look like the Michelin Man even when it is 20 degrees outside, but the same people tearing their hair out over it are the same people who would be seen driving with their kid sitting on their lap without seeing the irony.

[Dolphinears 172]

I think some people (I agree with you that this quite common in Germany BUT without excluding the fact that it could still happen in the US) just want to put themselves in this higher light (aooooh*- angels singing) and in order to do so, they see it necessary, if not critical (even if it they do it *subconsciously*) to call you out on that thing you need to do better or that thing you did wrong. Hence, they interefere and meddle. Yes, it is irritating on any level, but especially when you are a parent and when it is about your parenting. (Well, OK, at least we as moms feel that way) So, some people must simply act on this very bad, naughty thing you have done to raise themselves. I understand it is well-meaning sometimes and all that bullshi* (IMO it is downright no one's business unless it's an emergency or life-threatening, and did I mention I ASKED FOR your advice), but this is really about people simple being nosy and not minding their own business. They want to feel better, because their life probably does stink on some level. Knowing where the advice comes from is the most important thing. Second, how true is it anyway?! Do I care, do I NEED to care?! Learning not to give a shi* has been my uphill battle. I have been called a delicate flower here on TT cause my skin ain't thick enough! Hang in there...truth is I DO think that it would happen in the US, too, even at one point in the future. You know those people that measure how tall the grass is on YOUR lawn...exactly. :-) Same people...promise...

 

And, just to share...

I, too, have felt the bite of the old snake and the bitter old man who clearly needs a date or hobby. I have even been disrupted by a well-meaning kinderlosen neighbor whilst trying to get my daughter to learn something out of a consequence..errrr* A childless woman meddling in the critical moment!!! Unaware of the situation...My beef between me and my minnie! I gave her a stern look for weeks in fact a disgusted, disproving one. I wanted her to say something, because I was so ready to let her have an earful - mama bear was ready! I also have a nosy neighbor (middle-aged) who enjoys asking personal questions, and one day she went too far with a comment. At that point, I'd had just about as much as I could take in terms of her remarks. I literally changed my tone to a stern tone to let her know that her remark had indeed offended me. I literally ignored her and cut her off on the conversation. I kept my hellos very short. Conversation only about the weather. And then, there are these other types at my daughter's Kiga. They really do get on my nerves. When I was *new* they always asked me personal things and commented about this thing or other and I always smiled, tried being nice. You know it just doesn't pay off. At one point, it gets exhausting. So, for them I just changed the strategy to stay away, act busy, pick up my child 5 mins to the time, because lord knows I don't need 10-15 minutes of them talking! Trust me it's that bad, and they pick on other parents there, too.

 

OK, enough rambling on my side. Wish you all the best. Keep your head high, I am sure you do the best you can! :-)

[Metall 14,539]

 

T However, after starting several conversations on TT, arguing my position on many of them, and receiving some useful suggestions, I have just come to the decision that this forum is not a good fit for me. I will muddle along with my American ways and find a way to survive in Germany till I live here but I think I am done with TT.

 

I agree with other posters, hang in there.

This is a good place to discuss expat questions and get different perspectives.

 

Yes, there are members who will knowingly or unknowingly tread on your toes - hard -,

but try not to take it personally. Shoot back at them, and return to the question at hand.

 

Peace.

[griogarach 309]

 

I really appreciate the perspectives I have received here. However, after starting several conversations on TT, arguing my position on many of them, and receiving some useful suggestions, I have just come to the decision that this forum is not a good fit for me. I will muddle along with my American ways and find a way to survive in Germany till I live here but I think I am done with TT.

 

Heard that one before. You are really going to forego all the other useful advice that is given on here, free, and in your native language because someone has a different viewpoint as yourself?

 

I don't see why you are upset. TT is a DISCUSSION Forum. Anyone that posts in the open is inviting other folks to comment with their views.

 

Given the number of people, from all walks of life and backgrounds, it is 100% guaranteed that some of those views will be different from your own.

 

Maybe it's not the KITA that has the problem?