Fiance's parents encouraging affair with ex?!

90 posts in this topic

I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with this here in Germany.

 

We have had a wonderful relationship living together for 2 years abroad, and recently came to Germany to settle down near his family. While we are waiting for our job locations to be decided, we are staying with his parents and sister. Everyone has been marvelously loving, nice, and welcoming!

 

But the story gets interesting.

 

He arrived a few weeks before me, due to my job responsibilities.

 

A while ago, I downloaded photos from our camera, to discover pictures of his ex girlfriend, scantily clad, in our bedroom.

I knew that they were "friends" and talked occasionally, but I also know what it means when a woman shows up wearing clothes like that. So I did a bit of detective work, and discovered that this woman has been asking him to move in with her, sending kisses, talking about being alone at night, talking about sex and so forth, the entire time that we have been together. She even goes so far as to talk about me, saying it's a secret from me, and that I would be jealous. Let me further mention that this woman has 2 young children, no husband, no education, abuses substances, and is in her mid-twenties. In the 3 weeks that I was gone, she tried to get him to sleep with her 3 times- even leaving her kids behind and showing up at the house late at night. I had been led to believe that she was nearly-married and happily settled.

 

We took care of that situation, and banned her from the house and from all further contact. She received deservedly harsh emails including quotes of what she had said to him, and was told clearly to stay away.

 

However, who should show up at our house the very next weekend?

That girl, again without her kids! She called his sister. The sister comes into the living room. She whispers to him, asking him to come out into the hallway. He returns angry. She was asking if his ex, who was on the phone, could come over for the evening. He said absolutely not.

Later, the doorbell rings. Who is it? That girl. The sister and she have planned that she come over 'to pick up the sister' (mind you this is 60 km from where she lives with her 2 children, on a Friday night, in the middle of nowhere). The sister 'doesn't hear the doorbell'. They tried to force him to answer the doorbell and talk with the girl. It didn't work, and the sister left in a huff.

 

Later that evening, the phone rings. They have now devised the story that they have been drinking, and therefore the girl can't drive 60 km home to her kids. She has to spend the night next door to our room. Again, he said "Absolutely Not."

 

Well, next comes the mother's involvement. A few days ago, after me having spent every day for 2 months developing a warm and caring relationship with his mother, my fiance tells me that his mother had tried to deliver a letter from that girl to him. He refused it, as we had agreed upon in advance. The mother had apparently seen this girl while in the city for lunch.

I was fairly shocked of course, that this kind of damaging, sneaky behavior would come from the 65 year old mother as well as from the 20-something year old daughter. Being 20 is one thing. Being happily married for 40 years is another.

 

It took a few days for the shock to wear off, but I finally gathered the courage to speak with the mother, to try to heal and understand what was going on. I told her about the emotional affair and highly inappropriate sexual content that had been taking place for 2 years, and how this girl had tried to have sex with her son 3 times since we had been back in Germany. I expected the mother to be shocked and surprised. On the contrary, she explained, "I think this girl is sad now because she had wanted to be together with him, and he chose you instead." Oh, well, thanks for inviting her over so many times over these past weeks and months, if you know that is the case! And why are you being nice to me, if you have been giving full awareness and support to a situation that would tear apart our relationship?

 

The mother said, "We want to stay close to this girl. She is like a daughter to us. We want her to come to the house, and we want to see the kids."

I asked the mother, "How would you feel, if your husband was having an affair, and I wanted that woman to come to the house?"

She replied astutely, "Yes, but that's different, because this is my house."

 

I circled back to my original point, saying that I would not deliver letters or spend time with a woman that her husband was having an affair with, because I respected her and I respected her marriage.

She said that it doesn't matter if the girl spends time here, and it doesn't matter if the girl tries to have sex with him- because he has made his choice, and he has chosen me. "You should trust him, and your relationship should be strong enough that it doesn't matter."

 

Well, I don't know about Germany, but in other countries, having a scantily clad ex trying to sculpt opportunities to have sex with someone else's spouse IS a problem, and no clarification is needed to explain why. They have been having an emotional affair for 2 years, and we have barely survived the entire ordeal. I expected the mother to be shocked, supportive, sympathetic, and have the vision to do the right thing. Instead, she argues to keep the girl around and doesn't seem bothered in the least by all of the girl's cheating efforts.

 

I'm from a good upstanding American family / social group, where if someone's marriage was threatened with an affair, the person threatening that marriage would be removed from the group. I've had adventures enough in Scandinavia to know that affair-partners are warmly welcomed at the Christmas dinner table.

Is that the case in Germany too?

Am I entering another wilderness of no-marriage-values?

 

Thanks for sharing any experiences or insight.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No marriage values? I guess that depends on who you talk to. I have a good friend who has been having an affair behind his wife's back for the last 4 years. Then I have another good friend who wouldn't cheat on his wife in a million years. He also has a slightly stalking ex and he goes to her house and helps her with the flooring etc. alone because his wife trusts him. Then I know a woman who had an affair with a married man resulting in a child. The man is still married to his wife who seems to have forgiven him and who seems to trust him because he often visits the baby-mama and child who live in another town and even sleeps over there, presumably on the couch these days though.

 

I think you should move too. You can't tell your MIL who she can have over at her house.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems that his mother has decided its the ex-girlfriend (with all percieved issues) over you.

 

If hes one where mother had daily influence over him then you are onto a looser (even though from your description hes currently appearing to "resist") & its time to get out before things get worse.

 

Luckily for my me MIL lives 1.5 hours drive away & they didn't meddle at all with us (although my wife phones x times a day). We've been together since 1984; Silver anniversiary this November :)

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I gather the two of you are not married, right? Not that it really matters.

 

Here's my take:

 

If son and ex are on speaking terms, or even friendly, some German parents will stay friendly, too. I am the ex for one family, and we still talk.

 

German [soon to be]MILs are just like MILs all over the world = some will interfere.

The same red flags apply: Plotting to make son and ex meet against his resistance is NOT OK.

If she is "like a daughter", then sister and mother can meet her on their own, even invite her over without forcing meetings with the son.

 

I don't know what the motives are (get rid of you? pity for the ex? Friends with her?), but the things going on are NOT IN YOUR INTEREST.

 

And why did hubby let her text and call and visit in the past? That is a hubby red flag!!

 

Therefore:

- Number one urgently move out!!

I would demand that asap. Even if it is just a small hotel/B&B outside of town, and look for a short term furnished rental later. Your peace of mind will be worth the cost. And hubby will prove his resolve.

 

- Be friendly to MIL, but do not accept the ex being there when you visit. Leave when she turns up.

 

- Stay in communication with hubby, don't pretend nothing is wrong, but don't condemn him right off. Let him prove his worth.

 

- And, lastly, sadly, if hubby cannot untangle himself from the ex, then counseling/serious talking/short or long term separation are looming on the horizon...

 

... I really don't wish this to happen to you, and don't do anything hasty.

 

But up to now, your instincts seem OK to me (having lived both in US and Germany for a long time).

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I gather the two of you are not married, right? Not that it really matters.

 

She did refer to "my fiance" in the first post.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

A while ago, I downloaded photos from our camera, to discover pictures of his ex girlfriend, scantily clad, in our bedroom.

Do you really thing he hasn't had/isn't having sex with her? Really?

 

Is that because his mother says you should trust him?

 

I seldom hear good stories about wives/girlfriends moving close to their German inlaws. Especially living with them.

 

When is the wedding? Where will you live then? If you live close to the inlaws there will be many expectations placed on you to visit every weekend etc., etc. Get clear with your fiance about this.

9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For anyone joining this thread late I do have the quick abridged version here:

 

1. German boyfriend is banging his ex.

 

2. Current bird is now spying on his emails, phone, camera etc.

 

3. In-Laws don't really like the new bird (auslander tsk tsk) and wants him back with the ex.

 

Anyone wanna write the next stage of the script....

 

 

The mother said, "We want to stay close to this girl. She is like a daughter to us. We want her to come to the house, and we want to see the kids."

I'll just fix that for you....

 

The mother said, "We want to stay close to this girl. She is like a daughter to us. We want her to come to the house, and we want to see the grandkids."

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

@HEM- it's far far easier to escape an *engagement* in Germany than breaking your gym or mobile phone contract.

 

I was refering to that other thread about an apartment...

 

 

I accidentally married Vodafone back in 2003.

 

...and I unfortunately a private Krankenversicherung back in 1986.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

:1. German boyfriend is banging his ex.2. Current bird is now spying on his emails, phone, camera etc.3. In-Laws don't really like the new bird (auslander tsk tsk) and wants him back with the ex.Anyone wanna write the next stage of the script....

 

I so hope you're wrong... but it is a valid interpretation, with everybody doing something uncool.

 

Let's what the OP's next steps are, and if she lets us know.

 

Edit:

Erm, Johnny has a point there, better find out if those are hubby's kids!!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to be harsh - but this is the *interwebby* so bit of a crazy place to have this kinda discussion openly in the 1st place. Also of course a pretty scary possibility that I am correct on all points.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm with move out all the way. Once you move out, you can decide that this girl is not coming to your house ever for any reason and you can make it clear to the inlaws that if they invite her over while you are there, you will leave but right now, you can not tell them who to have over at their own house. If they are friends with her and want to keep her around, you can not tell them that they can't do that. Your fiancé seems to be laying down a line as well with his family and if I was in that situation with my family, I'd make it clear to them that if I say I am not interested, that's it, no more attempts but it's hard when you are living at their house.

 

I know a couple of families where the parents were not happy with the spouse their child picked and would have preferred someone else, maybe even an ex. It often ends up with an alienated child cutting off contact. Maybe you should also explain to his mother that she is not doing the ex any favours by trying to get her back together with your husband when he isn't interested. I suppose the ex is still in love with him but the mother making her think she has hope when she really doesn't is just cruel and is prolonging her suffering when she would do better to get over him and find someone else.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@OP - its up to your BF to put his foot down with the MIL and establish some rules about what is acceptable and what is not and you need to move out ASAP.

 

If he can't this will just be a never ending story and if you marry there will be interference about other things.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now