German wife won't return with me to the U.S.

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I seriously cannot understand why the Irish abroad miss that little shite of a country.. The only thing I miss is the taxi ride from Dublin airport, and the psychology lesson included in the fare.. After that it's exposure to austerity soaked in xenophobic, narrow minded, catholic guilt ridden, alcoholic delusion... Ah, but sure the craic like!!!

 

"You left that place for the reason; it cannot provide it's people with a decent standard of living...!!!"

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My thoughts ... we have been here just one year, but I think we're very sure that at some point we're going to go back. Its not about material comforts (god knows its way better here than it can ever be in my home country) and we like being in Germany, we seem to have adapted well, we're slowly but surely picking up the language ... but at some level, this 'feels' foreign, this feels like a stop-gap option ... and when we talk about 'settling down', we always relate that to being in our own home country.

And believe me, its not about the number of years out-of-land, my parents lived outside extremely comfortably in another country for close to 40 years, and just recently moved back home - and to everyone's surprise, they just slid right back into daily life. I think settling back in one's own country has largely it has to do with attitude ... if you've always felt that you're going to go back, that that was the 'final place' - you will figure it out and find your space and cycle.

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Thanks for the nonjudgemental answers. Usually when you ask such questions you get replies like "if you think your to good to be here then get the hell out". Which is definitly not the case.

 

Camlough- I know that moving could possibly end up being a bigger mistake then staying here. Whos to say that I dont get there and think damn I was better off in Germany. I would have to start all over again, the same as when I first came here. New job, new house, furniture, friends. Its never easy no matter where you go. The problem is that no matter what I do here, I never feel like I am home. Always uncomfortable everywhere I go. I speak fluent German, earn enough to have a nice life, wife that loves me, but I never feel Home. You know what I mean.

 

Lumina- If I stayed in Germany, I would deal with it for a while like I always have so far, but one day I would wake up and tell my wife that Ive supported her desicion to stay here for long enough. Now its her turn to support my desicion at least long enough to see how it works out. And then she would leave me!

 

If I left Germany, I believe either way I go my wife would leave me because shes stubborn like that. Any choice that is not her choice is a stupid choice. Which would break my heart. Her choice would be for me to just become German. As in giving up my citizenship. Not gonna happen.

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Did you and your wife make any kind of agreement about when/if you would move to the U.S. other than when her bills were paid off? Do you consider that an agreement?

 

I have my moments of wanting to move back on account of my son and granddaughter living there. The biggest problem would be health insurance/care at our ages.

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Maybe you should just take a month off and go back home until you get sick of it.

 

 

Then I married a German girl and stayed here for her.

And since you did it for her she thinks you love her enough to stay here for her until she wants to go, which will probably be never. I know I sound sexist, but when you do a thing for a woman like base a major life decision on what she wants then you are pretty much stuck with it.

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Maybe you should just take a month off and go back home until you get sick of it.

 

And since you did it for her she thinks you love her enough to stay here for her until she wants to go, which will probably be never. I know I sound sexist, but when you do a thing for a woman like base a major life decision on what she wants then you are pretty much stuck with it.

 

I was going to make more or less the same suggestion. When I was waiting to start the last part of my studies, I went home for 1 1/2 months. I thought it was going to be great, but after about 3 weeks, I realized "home" wasn't at all like I remembered and was really ready to go back to Europe. That more or less did it for me of ever really being homesick again. As ex-pats when we feel something is amiss, it is easy to thing of the great parts of where we came from because we are only usually there for a week or two at a time and visit all old friends and family without really seeing the realities of daily life.

 

I think as well what you say goes for women or men, if you make the choice to be somewhere because of someone, the other will find hard to accept that you want to be elsewhere.

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Maybe you should just take a month off and go back home until you get sick of it.

 

If you haven't done the above, I actually think that's a really good thing to do. If possible stay for a bit longer than a month. I find that visiting somewhere for just a few weeks is more like vacation, but staying longer than a month starts to feel like living somewhere. You get into daily routines and you'll be able to see if it's worth leaving Germany for or whether you're just homesick. If it's the latter, try to plan trips back regularly so you don't get too homesick (could be related to nostalgia for a place rather than wanting to set up house there). If it's the former however, well, then I think it comes down to a big decision: what's worth more, leaving the relationship entirely to move back to your home country or staying in Germany because you can't see life without her? It's a cruel and tough decision to make, but life isn't easy. And yes, I know what she said originally, but people change - that's just the way it works. Maybe she really could see leaving several years ago and now she doesn't want to.

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Then I married a German girl and stayed here for her.

 

 

 

Another fact is that my brother is handicapped and needs someone there at all times. At the moment he has my dad but my dad is only getting older and one day he wont be able to help him anymore. I feel that is my responsibility to be there for him.

 

IMHO at the point that you married the girl SHE is your prime family and takes precidence over "old" family.

(Otherwise it sounds more like "leasing" than getting married!)

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Hi Countryboy81,

 

 

I speak fluent German, earn enough to have a nice life, wife that loves me, but I never feel Home. You know what I mean.

 

Does she speak fluent english? Is she the kind of (german) personality who has the aspiration to live in foreign countries?

 

 

Any choice that is not her choice is a stupid choice.

 

You feel the urge to move back to your home country.

She feels the urge to stay in her home country.

 

Neither of those two choices sound stupid to me. It´s the combination of both choices that doesn't work out.

 

Is it germany itself where you don't feel home or is it that specific part of germany where you currently are? Maybe a move within germany would be an acceptable compromise to both of you?

 

Cheers

Franklan

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Then I married a German girl and stayed here for her. [...] How do I explain to her that I dont want to be here.

 

If after years of living in Germany, you chose to marry a local German girl, then it could be difficult to argue that the two of you should pack and go to the US.

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IMHO at the point that you married the girl SHE is your prime family and takes precidence over "old" family.(Otherwise it sounds more like "leasing" than getting married!)

 

There was an understanding at the outset that the move would take place. It was just a question of when.

As for the above, I'm sorry - but blood is blood. You can be disowned, but it's not like you'll have another brother as you can a spouse after divorce.

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Married to a German over twenty-five years...same story. I thought my German wife would eventually be in the state of mind to move to the US...especially as I approached retirement years. It won't happen. Germans are like boat-anchors. If you have the slightest feeling that you can't do the eternal German life thing, drop the anchor and leave. There are guys who can do it, and guys who can't. Fifty years ago...I suspect that most all Germans were capable of packing up and moving...today? I'd say only one in eight might have the ability to do such a thing.

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A lot of good advice. One answer, I do fly back once a year to visit. Just went in January for 3 weeks this year. Everytime I go it gets harder to leave. In the beginning my wife wanted to go but the longer we stay here the less and less she agrees with it. I do also fully understand that by me staying here, I had to start over again. Which she would also have to do if we moved. Just as I did she would also have to learn better english, laws, miss her family and so on. Although because of Military I had already been away from family for some time and had gotten used to missing them. My wife on the other hand has never lived more then 2 minutes from her family and visits them almost everyday. Thinking from both sides it is a very hard situation. Also as others have said, who knows where America is headed down the road. At the moment it doesnt look very promising. I can live with missing family, material things are not that important(everyone misses something from home that they cant get here), I believe that my main concern deep down is that the longer we wait, the older we get, and the harder it will be to "start over" again. These things keep me up at night a lot.

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13 years is a long time - I left Australia 16 years ago; every time i go back, even to visit i think "jesus christ, what the hell has happened to this country.." - i'll never go back.

 

the fact that you spent 13 years out of America proves you are less American than you make out to be. it doesn't matter where you live; same shit, different day. i can understand if you never learnt German over the last 13 years - it can be a little more frustrating, but there are other options, plenty of english speakers in germany (well, you are here on a site with them) and lots of other countries that are not so anal around their language, England, Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Finland, Netherlands.. just to name a few.

 

if you love your wife; you'll keep her happy - she is your immediate family that matters; have you considered suggesting family counseling to get her off that dependency to always be around her family? seems like a serious problem that is only just going to get worse and worse as time goes by.

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