Splitting up after 23 years

473 posts in this topic

Ouch. I struggled enough with a mutual breakup after 4 years, so I cannot imagine what you're going through. I don't know you, but that Aldi thing has made you a new hero of mine.

 

I usually cope with hurtful times by drinking, listening to Ryan Adams, watching Crazy Heart and eating shit food.

 

My only advice is maybe don't do any of those 4 things.

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Poppet..

 

As Allershausen says.. Try to use one lawyer..

 

He also says it gets easier as time goes on..

 

He is right, I know him personally, He too is a simmilar age to you and doesnt look a day older than 70! :ph34r:

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Even though I don't know you personally , I am very sorry to hear that and wish you good luck! :(

 

Have there been no signs before? For example : " I feel we are not communicating any more" , or something similar that maybe went unnoticed?

If from your side you feel that there has been no problem, maybe you can talk about what made her feel that way and see if there is a way to make it work.

 

Anyway it is quite difficult to give advice in a situation like that, I just hope you find the best way to work this out, no matter what the outcome is and with minimum repercussions to you both and the kid.

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I'm glad you decided not to post this under a pseudonym. For me it makes it more real and closer to home, when I "know" the person behind the posting and can, therefore, empathise more with him/her. It took a lot of courage, but the feedback that you are getting is tailor-made for you, by the people here who care about you, rather than just some generic advice given to an unknown entity.

 

Keep your chin up, buddy. I hope it gets better for you real soon.

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Hi Poppet, sorry to hear about this. I don't know if it helps or not but I can think of several long relationships that got to this point, included separation, but then managed to recover. One couple I know had 3 kids and had been together for 20 years when she said she wanted a divorce- they spent a year apart and agreed to meet at the end of the year to see how they felt then. And then they got back together again.

 

Anyway, however it works out, wishing you calmness and courage when you need them.

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" I had to get divorced before I realized how unhappy I had been all these years ".

 

That's what my old french friend keeps telling me every time we meet.

 

After 23 (!) years, after starting to receive his pension, he went for an errand - when he came back 2 hours later she was gone.

For almost 2 years all seem to be dark and futile. The divorce, the empty house, all these thoughts about having led a life which he though was the good life and then... all gone. Etcetera.

Then one evening I managed to pull him into a bar for a drink. That evening he met his new wife , and he's a happy guy since then.

 

I wish you strengh for the months to come. And I'm sure one day there will be an all happy poppet on TT.

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It's like your going into early retirement was the last straw for her, the thought of having you around all day long was too much for her to face.

 

Oh dear - I've been working from home office for a few years - that probably comes to the same thing :(

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I was over 40 when we broke up too and I well remember that panicky feeling of "OMG, is this it? Will I never have another relationship again?" (Yes, you will!) Your self-confidence takes a severe battering when a relationship ends like this though. Don't blame yourself too much or rake over the past obsessively ("Should I have noticed something? Is it all my fault?"). Try to keep communication with your wife focused on the present situation and future solutions that will be best for all 3 of you. It's early days yet. Your wife has taken the initiative so I'd say the ball is now in her court. Not that you shouldn't get some advice (also legal) and support, but I wouldn't stress yourself too much with trying to "sort things out" at this stage. You know who your friends are :)

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Christ on an underarm crutch, let the guy get over this relationship before talking about a new one, won't you?!?

 

But it's true - it can hit you when you least expect it. Scogs died when I was 47 and it took almost four years for me to enter into a new relationship.

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10) Obviously if you think there's a chance, you'll want to consider marriage counseling somewhere higher on this list.

11) Divorce counseling is also available. Could be helpful.

 

Actually, I was wondering whether, even if she won't agree to marriage counselling, you might be able to persuade her to at least attend some counselling with you in order to help you figure out how to get along going forward (which it is especially important to be able to do because of your kid). Doesn't really matter what kind of counselling you call it but it might help to clear up some things and whatever else, you really will need to be able to get along in your parental dealings. Just a thought.

 

Oh, and even if she doesn't want to go for counselling, there's no reason why you shouldn't go to couples counselling on your own.

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Right at this second? I'm still in shock and fairly sure that that is NOT what I want. Can't really think about it. Just seem to be sitting in the living room , TV on, not really seeing or hearing anything. Sorry. Thanks for all your comments up 'til now. Really appreciate it.

 

Yes, you seem stunned. What a terrible surprise. Do try to keep physically active, even if it's just walking around the block several times a day. Force yourself off the couch. I've been through this, many of us have, and we've all survived. You will, too. A visit to the Hausarzt may help with temporary meds to get your psyche psyched.

I wish you well.

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poppet, your post has stirred up a lot of memories for me, we separated after 22 years of marriage. At the moment you're in shock, you're in a place you never expected to be, in a situation you don't want.

 

Give yourself a couple of days, then you and your wife need to sit down together and talk this through. Don't even think about making any major decisions yet and don't forget, you have your child to think about too. Don't think about going back to Scotland just now, my ex did and both my daughters still feel abandoned by him.

 

You need friends, people you can talk to and be assured, you're not alone. Whatever the outcome, you will survive this, it won't always feel as terrible as it does now.

 

My heart and thoughts are with you this evening.

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No insights to add, poppet, just very best wishes. Maybe she is having her own crisis and it will lessen enough for a sensible conversation. I hope so. Thinking of you.

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. :-( So much change with retiring and now this shock. Be gentle with yourself. It's a lot to go through. Wishing you all the best. Hugs.

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