Introducing yourself to the neighbors

[dessa_dangerous 13,315]

A long one coming up, apologies in advance.

 

So, a couple of weeks after moving into the apartment in which we have now lived for just over a year, Sunday lunch at the in-laws brought up what was, for me, an incredibly awkward subject: Had we introduced ourselves to our new neighbors? This is, evidently, automatically expected of any person in possession the simple social skills required to refrain from actually chopping up their neighbors and storing them in the deep freeze for later consumption.

 

For my part, I found this step unnecessary and even ridiculous for a few reasons:

 

 

• We live in the same complex, so it's not as if my face is a completely new one for our new neighbors, although we technically have a different address than we did before,
  
• I personally find it creepy to knock on people's doors and introduce myself to them,
  
• If I were any other normal human being, I wouldn't open the door to me, so there's an element of not wanting to be a part of any club that would have me as a member,
  
• I don't want to set the precedent of having to make small talk with my neighbors every time I pass them in the Treppenhaus.
  
  

 

My MIL was mortified that I hadn't yet knocked on the doors of all my new neighbors. To me, she might as well have expected me to ask them to come get acquainted over Kaffee and Kuchen while watching me have a bath.

 

Having polled a number of Germans and non-Germans alike, it turns out that having close contact to one's neighbors is a desirable state of affairs; that forming all these little relationships is not merely a useless, time-consuming pain in the ass but a way of creating diverse valuable social interactions with myriad different wonderful beautiful people.

 

In general I'm OK with the fact that Larry David is pretty much the only person alive who makes me feel relatively sane, but we've just got a new next-door neighbor, which has got me to thinking. Although I've never clapped eyes on this person, I have heard her engaging in numerous conversations with my husband whilst the two of them hang around in the hallway. As far as I can tell, he knows nothing of substance about her--just that she is small, 40-ish, "very German", and seems friendly. Now, despite the above anti-social rantings, I am actually a very extroverted person; I mix and converse with new people quite easily (I'd just rather not be obligated to do it) and am completely at my ease with people of all backgrounds. My husband, on the other hand, while also outwardly friendly, is the quintessential introvert, but has no problem making small-talk to our new neighbor. However I live in constant fear that one day I will be walking out the door and she will corner me, and I will have to speak words to her, although all I really want to do is unlock my bike and get on with my day.

 

What have your experiences been? I realize that life small town is a whole different ballgame, so I'm particularly interested to hear how any of you, German or non-German, deal with having or being the new neighbor in a densely populated urban area? Do you bring muffins and juice boxes to the door of each new neighbor? Or do you live in the silent terror that one day everybody in your building will know your name and what you do for a living? I've still got the neighbors from the old building asking me when we're having kids and how the new apartment is going although we've lived here for an entire year; I dread having to have the same conversations but with 15 new householders, a mere 50 meters from our old apartment.

 

Help. Either tell me what I want to hear (that I'm normal and engaging your neighbors is crazy talk from another century) or make what I don't want to hear (that I'm borderline sociopathic and need to make more of an effort lest I wind up an old lady who only talks to the dust bunnies) palatable. I don't know my neighbors and I don't want to. How bad is the damage?

[mlovett 8,681]

I'm a big fan of local community. That means befriending the neighbors. Did I knock on their doors right away? No. Do I try to get to know them whenever I see them, and have time for chit chat? Yes. I walk/ exercise with one of them, daily.

 

I think I'd go nuts if I weren't friendly with the neighbors. In fact, that is exactly what happened in Germany, because most of them weren't exactly warm toward me. Eventually, yes, but it took them several months. No one came knocking on my door when we arrived, and we were in a rural area. _{My California license plates probably scared them.}

 

I'm moving later this week; have to start all over. I will miss my neighbors a lot, and they are pretty flummoxed that we are leaving the 'hood, yet AGAIN. So now they have taken to asking to be invited over to the new place.

 

EDIT: what's your specific beef with the little lady who has been chatting up your husband?

[Beuel 4,947]

Not too bad . If you live in a house with 4-6 neighbours, it's usual that you introduce yourself. But it is not expected that you make friends with them. Just telling them your name, maybe ask for unwritten rules like who puts the garbage bins in front of the building for collection or stuff like that. No personal chitchat needed. Friendly but reserved is fine, if it's what you like. If you live in a multistory building it's friendly to introduce yourself to your next door neighbours at some point, like saying hello to neighbours you meet inside the building even if you've never seen them before, but it is not really expected like it would be in a small house or in a small town.

 

I'm sure you'll manage a kind of friendly acknowledgement of her presence without giving the slightest impression of being inclined to talk.

 

Edit: Though I think an old rule applies to neighbourhoods as well as work mates: If you don't talk to them, they'll talk about you. Which is not always friendly talk. If they know nothing about you, they'll make something up. Giving them just a little bit might make it easier.

[dessa_dangerous 13,315]

 

EDIT: what's your specific beef with the little lady who has been chatting up your husband?

 

heh. No specific beef with the lady, although I'd be lying if I said my ears didn't prick up especially keenly the first time I heard him quatsching to the owner of a feminine voice. I'm sure she's perfectly lovely and if she and Mr Dessa want to carry on being the best of buds I don't mind; I just don't want to also be expected to stand around doing the pee-pee dance instead of just ducking into my hovel and shutting out the outside world...

[dessa_dangerous 13,315]

 

I'm sure you'll manage a kind of friendly acknowledgement of her presence without giving the slightest impression of being inclined to talk.

 

so far she's the only person in the new building who's ever bothered to chat up either of us. Husband reckons that, like buying the drinks at your own birthday party, the onus is on the individual to approach and accommodate the group. I'm kind of hoping to get away with a non-committal nod and a mumbled "Gtntag" every once in a while. Awful as it is to say, I'd almost rather she thought of me as an anti-social bitch than her potential new pal. I think I need therapy.

[bohemka 4,338]

You can take the girl out of Seattle, but...

[mlovett 8,681]

I forgot to mention: FORGET what your MIL says. The sooner you can do that, the freer you will be [that is my experience, at any rate]. You are not German, and even if you were, there are no strict rules for social interaction, FFS. I think it's enough if you smile and nod at the new folks. Then take it from there, if you so desire.

 

As for the little lady, I sense a future threesome.

 

 

I think I need therapy.

 

It's not all bad. Quite liberating, actually, much like mentally ditching an overbearing MIL. ;)

[perdido 6,083]

My "friend" back home paints an upside star and the word DIO backwards on his door. He swears it keeps the riff radff away. I find that kind of narrow minded since riff raff made our great country.

[Hazza 5,458]

I've never gone to introduce myself to any neighbour before moving in before. In fact, in a terrasse house I used to live in, in Australia, I finally realised I lived right next to a work colleague - about 6 months after I moved in.

 

In my last flat, I realised an Irish guy I've gone drinking with lived in the same building, but this time it took me a year to meet him.

 

The only time I introduce myself is if I meet someone in the stairwell as I'm moving in. But then only if they talk to me first.

 

I've never cared who I lived next to...

[Bipa 5,814]

I've never bothered to go around officially introducing myself to my neighbours in Germany. I meet people just by crossing paths and a few friendships will develop over time. I try to remain neutral in local politics and not pick any fights. Problems are dealt with quickly and personally without involving anyone else if at all possible.

 

 

Though I think an old rule applies to neighbourhoods as well as work mates: If you don't talk to them, they'll talk about you. Which is not always friendly talk. If they know nothing about you, they'll make something up. Giving them just a little bit might make it easier.

 

An interesting bit of neighbourhood talk has lately come to my attention. Seems that folks who don't know me in this community have decided that I am a very shy and timid soul. But rather than causing me any problems, it seems to be protecting me from all the various feuds and squabbles going on all around me. Nobody is trying to get me involved and on their side since they don't see me as a potentially strong ally, nor as a potentially strong enemy. As a result I am not in any hurry to prove them wrong. :lol:

[Noel Furlong 3,307]

I remember being dragged round from door to door by my wife to say hi to all five of the other parties in our building when we moved in. The reason I didn't veto the neighbourly doorstepping was the fact that we were illegally unofficially taking over a 50 year old rental contract from her grandmother for a superb apartment for next to nothing and wanted to keep the neighbours onside. Either way, nobody in the building was very surprised at our visit, even though I did find it awkward. You just wouldn't do that in Dublin, mainly because it is reeks a bit of formality and stuffiness, but also because renting is for losers there and most renters want nothing to do with the other tenants.

 

Maybe the languages tell us something, too. English has the phrase 'Good fences make good neighbours'. I don't think German has a similar phrase extolling the virtues of keeping distance to one's neighbours.

[dessa_dangerous 13,315]

 

You can take the girl out of Seattle, but...

 

too true. I haven't known who my neighbors were since I was a kid in the quasi-ghetto and everybody in the neighborhood had kids who ran around together (and my mom was the long-standing president of the community council, the main function of which was to identify and monitor gang members, drug dealers and dog fighters). Well, that's not strictly true, I did, from the ages of 17 to 19, in my first own apartment, live on the top floor of a quadruplex where we kind of knew the guys who lived under us, because they were drug dealers, who, when I wasn't buying weed from them, I was calling the cops on for not complying with multiple requests to turn down the music at 4 in the morning, and the lady next to us because she smoked pot and worked at the DMV and wound up making my real fake ID in exchange for a twamp and a six-pack of Tequiza. Apart from that I always lived in free-standing bachelorette houses with several roommates and we did our best not to annoy the neighbors any more than they already would have been. I remember one time, after having lived next door to him for around three years, we were out mowing the lawn and our neighbor (who seemed ancient at that time but in reality was probably about the age I am now) put his head over the fence to joke, "yardwork? What happened, you guys run out of beer?" I think those were the only words ever exchanged between us, although his cat practically lived at our house. As a matter of fact, we gave the cat its own name, because we couldn't be bothered to find out from his human what his real name was.

 

Indeed, it is quite normal in the inner city of Seattle to live on the same block for decades without having the first clue about anybody who lives more than two houses away from you. If you live in a "cool" building, you might become friendly with other people in your age group, but you're certainly not expected to sit down to milk and cookies with Oma in 304. Indeed, she is likely to instinctively distrust you, and, respecting that, you give her her space. One less person paying attention to the comings and goings of your household anyway, and shit, I think I just figured out where my problem comes from.

[mlovett 8,681]

 

I think I just figured out where my problem comes from.

 

Yes, I think you just answered your own question. I grew up in a very different community... middle class rancher homes. Translation: quasi-redneck suburbia. I've observed that homeowners tend to make up a different community than one which is predominantly renters (having lived in both). The former seem to be more 'invested' in the community; renters not so much, particularly if they are not in for the long-haul.

 

Keep an eye on that little German lady, in any case. ;)

[Acechaser 838]

I don't think you're crazy for wanting to avoid. We keep to ourselves here and in the States. It's ok to say 'Hi' upon passing, but for my wife and I, it's weird to get too 'friendly' with people only because they live upstairs, next door, or whatever.

[katheliz 17,879]

I speak to five sets of neighbors - the two on either side and the three directly across the street. I smile at the others as I drive by and say "good day" to people walking past. That seems to keep them happy; and since a row of rose bushes went in along my sidewalk no one's dog does its business in my yard, which keeps me happy.

[LeonG 14,850]

I never talk to the neighbours unless they talk to me first but I don't try to avoid them if they want to get friendly unless I really don't like them or something. Currently, I just share an entrance with my 84 yo. landlady and we chat when I see her on the stairs or she comes over to ask me to make a copy of something or feeds me cake or asks me to take the bin to the curb or whatever.

[Perfect Poise 3,099]

As hypocritical as it is, especially for someone who has participated in various threads about Germans being unfriendly, I am also guilty of avoiding the neighbours. My German fiance is very sociable with some of them, but I always make an excuse that I am too busy working (actually, it is usually true, but I might over-egg it to get out of having to mix with them sometimes).

 

It's partly that I am used to keeping to myself (I was never on friendly terms with neighbours in England), partly my limited German and partly the fact that I don't have anything in common with these people - socially, work-wise or anything else - so the conversations I have had with them are stilted and repetitive.

 

So yes, I tend to duck into doorways and elevators when I hear the not-so-hushed dulcet tones of certain neighbours. I guess that makes me socially inept, but I don't really care. It's a different story in the evening if I'm out with friends or something - as Dessa said, I don't feel obligated to socialise then, I'm doing it by choice.

[Gwaptiva 7,116]

Moved into my new flat 3 months ago, has 4 units on one side, and I think 2 on the other. Met two of three neighbours within the first two days entering/leaving the building, so then I introduced myself. Didn't go knocking on doors. That's also the reason I suppose I've not yet met the fourth neighbour, even if I have seen him.

 

I think there are 2 more flats at the other end of the building, and I think I know who lives there, but would be able to pass them in the street without recognising them. But admittedly, I'm disqualified for living in the boonies a bit.

[bramble 9,643]

Being bicultural (British/German) and having moved around a lot I'm familiar with both British and German customs. It's not the custom to go formally introducing yourself to your new neigbours in Germany, but it is deemed friendly and normal if you exchange a few words in passing in the hallway. Nothing more is expected. I consider myself to be on friendly terms with my neighbours, sometimes we talk in the hallway about this and that for about 5 minutes or less, but we don't engage socially at all. Mostly it's just a friendly "Hallo".

 

Yet in England neighbours were going around to each other for coffee/tea all the time.

[ruapehu 3,756]

Lived here for 23 years this year, in 6 different places. I have never gone around introducing myself to my neighbours, and none of them (when new ones moved in) have ever introduced themselves to me either. So it's not common amongst Germans either.

 

I think it's more of an old-school/provincial expectation; may be seen as quite nice, but in modern apartment blocks with quite a few tenants, it's really not expected.