Need advice on dating German guy

[fraugenau 82]

 

Am I the only one who has a problem with this SO arrangement "back home" as a part of "American culture" ? I know absolutely NO ONE who has had this time of arrangement. People moved on and yes, I have had friends who sometimes went back to their exes but no one who had one on the side and continued to see different people. Does it happen? Sure. But is it very common in American culture? No. (unless we're talking CA )

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Friends with Benefits" (Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis)? Or "No Strings" (Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman)? It's definitely a thing that's spread in the past couple of years. Young professionals without time for a real relationship just have someone they can call to hook up with on a regular basis but would keep going on dates and looking for "the One". Not usually a very successful thing though, because one person usually ends up becoming way more invested than the other. I have a couple of friends who've tried this and it's ended in tears for both (and an STI for one of them). :ph34r:

[muchado 158]

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Friends with Benefits" (Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis)? Or "No Strings" (Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman)? It's definitely a thing that's spread in the past couple of years. Young professionals without time for a real relationship just have someone they can call to hook up with on a regular basis but would keep going on dates and looking for "the One". Not usually a very successful thing though, because one person usually ends up becoming way more invested than the other. I have a couple of friends who've tried this and it's ended in tears for both (and an STI for one of them).

 

I haven't seen any of those movies and probably won't. I am aware that these things are happening but they are not a very common thing in American culture. I have only been away from the U.S. a year and I consider myself young so it can't have changed so much, so fast. However, I am from the South so things like this take a while to catch on or never do.

[Keefy 3,577]

 

Young professionals without time for a real relationship just have someone they can call to hook up with on a regular basis

 

Ah, yes, I think he/she's called a "Fuck Buddy", oder?

 

[edit] Sorry, you already used the term in an earlier post.

[lmnop 428]

 

Ah, let me clarify. It is not cheating if both agree we are seeing other people. This is pretty normal in American culture.

 

Maybe it's semantics or I am reading too much between the lines, but I don't read this as a "friends with benefits" type situation. She said she told him she "has someone back home". To me, that's not the same as "oh there's a guy that I relieve my physical needs with occasionally". It sounds more like an open relationship type arrangement, which is definitely different. And maybe it's only why she's overseas because both parties want to test their relationship while they are apart..

 

It doesn't really matter whether its a temporary arrangement or a permanent one though. With so called 'fuck buddies', you would just call off the arrangement if you met someone you were serious about.. no need to even mention it to the awesome new guy you met - I probably wouldn't! With an open relationship, it is a hell of alot more complicated, and I can understand why he would want to stay miles away from that situation. He's probably not up for the drama, especially if he is looking for more than just a shag.

 

If they are just fuck buddies, then I think it was a mistake to mention it to the new guy at all.

[mlovett 8,681]

 

But is it very common in American culture? No. (unless we're talking CA )

 

 

 

If they are just fuck buddies, then I think it was a mistake to mention it to the new guy at all.

 

I agree. Been there, done that, and yes, it was in CA. Dating multiple people is pretty common, here. Cast out a wide net, so to speak.

 

I didn't tell the GerMan [who is now my husband] about the arrangement until much later. And yes, he was STUNNED. He claimed it just isn't done in Germany. Well, not by the good kids, anyway.

 

BadBecky, perhaps you should just try to discuss this with your German friend?

[gail123 434]

I never had a friend who did it in the US, either. Although I knew cheaters.

[modernbird 2,902]

 

[adminmerge][/adminmerge]

So I guess I'm just another American girl banging her head against the wall and wondering if there's a casual way to make a first move in German culture, and whether such a move, if rejected, tends to mean the end of the friendship like it too-often does in the US.

 

Depends on the guy, of course, and you. Why not just ask him if he wants to have sex and see what happens?

[gaberlunzi 814]

3. "I like my current boyfriend but I am not attracted to him. I have been seeing a few other men on the side whom I find pretty attractive and excited to be with." I knew a couple of banker chicks in NYC, who are doing exactly this. They feel that their current boyfriends are beta-males (good providers) while they look for fun with alpha-males.

 

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/a-male-banker-on-dating-female-bankers-2012-8#ixzz23CKuB5oD

 

Bankers do it... B)

[badbcky 8]

Thanks for all the responses!

 

Yes, it is an actual "open relationship" (more his idea than mine) and it was felt that as a modern and with-it couple (am I modern and with it or just being stupid? I do ask myself) we should not torture ourselves while separated by such a great distance.

 

Of course, I'm rapidly learning that there are reasons we have the relationship traditions we have, and that no amount of reporting on the sexual behavior of our closest relatives (Bonobos - I'm referring to the book Sex at Dawn here) can change that for whatever, that 1% difference in genetics means that the majority of human cultures now orient towards various forms of monogamy (I believe there are exception in South America, Asia, and Africa).

 

In any case, you live, you learn. Make mistakes, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and go on.

 

Things did get figured out with the guy over the weekend, and the friendship is not lost and something I can feel comfortable with now.

 

I think my original question wasn't very clear, but I had basically been trying to sort through what I saw as a conflict between verbal statements "That's complicated, let's take it easy" and actions and body language that strongly implied otherwise. I was always going to be happy with being just friends, it was just breaking my brain to say we were friends and then receive signals that seemed to imply there was more there.

 

Thank you all very much for the help and insight!

 

Oh, one final note, I apologize for saying that it's common in the US. I have been living in a VERY liberal city for several years now and I really should have qualified that statement better. Sorry about that.

[mlovett 8,681]

So I guess this means you won't be shagging each other rotten, then? ;)

[badbcky 8]

I didn't say that! Things just go off-the-record from here. ;)

[mlovett 8,681]

The Chase is all part of the fun and excitement. So I don't agree with modernbird's "Why not just ask him if he wants to have sex and see what happens?" Men need to chase, although if you read enough TT threads on the subject, German men are not always very good at it, so do keep that in mind.

 

Thanks for the book tip; Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships looks like an interesting read.

 

One reviewer: "Without spoiling anything, it turns out women are even hornier than men! "

 

 

Plus, when you ask for what you want, you are more likely to get it.

Hmm. This year I asked my husband for us to try an 'open marriage'. He said no. :ph34r:

[john g. 37,776]

Interesting points, mlovett, about men needing to chase! How about men being chaste? In a book I haven´t written yet I point out (in the preface ) it´s over at 29!!!

[modernbird 2,902]

For the record, I only suggested bluntness because she appeared to be seeking sex, given the open relationship that she plans to return to. Why delay when she will be returning home to her lover, and she's not seeking anything long term anyway?

 

Plus, when you ask for what you want, you are more likely to get it.

[Mellyco 1,533]

Badbcky, I'm really impressed that you were upfront with this German guy. So many people wouldn't be, and would string the guy along like a chump, potentially really hurting him along the way. This way, he can make an informed choice about how involved he wants to be with you, and that he isn't the primary partner in the relationship. Of course, things may change along the way, but I'm really glad that you are starting off (whatever he decides) from a point of honesty. Good on you!

[Sandgroperin 123]

1 - I find German men aren't egomaniac control freaks and aren't threated by a forward woman.

 

3 - It's no accident the Germans are so innovative it's a cover-up, all they wanted to do was invent automatic doors so woman's lib could move forward without anyone losing face.

 

4 - I had noticed too, and quite frankly coming from the land of trophy wives club I find this phenomonem very refreshing. Now if only I wasn't so shallow.

[modernbird 2,902]

 

Hmm. This year I asked my husband for us to try an 'open marriage'. He said no.

 

But if you hadn't asked, would you have been closer to getting what you want?

[Jeanie 2,598]

 

One reviewer: "Without spoiling anything, it turns out women are even hornier than men! "

 

This is surprising news? That reviewer must surely have been a man. :P

[GermanistBSO 63]

 

Not sure about the dating - have never really done it as I met my partner when I was pretty young and he's Scottish, but I think from my friends' experiences things are a bit more casual in D, like asking someone to go for a coffee can just mean that and also it's ok for the woman to ask.

 

Also the thing that always puzzles me is when watching American programmes they always go on about that it's ok to have sex on your third date or whatever but not before. Surely some people have sex on a first date and some wait weeks or even months...why is it so 'regimented'?

 

Also the notion that a man should pay. It's nice to get treated but I think a woman can also pay or go halves. Maybe in the olden days the man had to prove that he can provide for a family but nowadays woman often earn more or as a student you're likely to be both strapped for cash so it's unfair to expect the man to pay.

 

This is nuts...You pay for anyone you do anything with if they're a woman? Do you never stop and think that might come off as a little patronising? "Oh don't worry dear, I can see you have a vagina there, I'll just settle the bill for you". Heck maybe they like it...not sure they'd be the kind of woman I'd like to go out with though. Personally I go halves, because I think it's damned rude to expect the girl to pay for more than her fair share, and likewise if she expects me to pay for more than my fair share on something that's so easy to divide, then I'm gonna feel a bit miffed to say the least.

[badbcky 8]

 

Badbcky, I'm really impressed that you were upfront with this German guy. So many people wouldn't be, and would string the guy along like a chump, potentially really hurting him along the way. This way, he can make an informed choice about how involved he wants to be with you, and that he isn't the primary partner in the relationship. Of course, things may change along the way, but I'm really glad that you are starting off (whatever he decides) from a point of honesty. Good on you!

 

Heh. "Things may change along the way" is certainly hitting a nerve with me.

 

I'd lived 5 years in Europe before and only returned to the US because I was having a hard time getting around the work permit issues without ending up in a job where I travelled so much that it didn't matter where my official address was, anyway, because I was never going to be there. I went back with the intention to get some work experience and then perhaps return when I was experienced enough to have an easier time finding a job.

 

Then years went by and I'd forgotten how... HOME... I'd felt in Europe. Now I'm back and I feel like I'm the Prodigal Daughter or something. Some part of me is going "Well, it took you long enough to figure out what you REALLY want."

 

I guess it feels a little bit like I was being pulled farther and farther from my comfort zone and now it has snapped back into place all at once.

 

Anyway!