Need advice on dating German guy

[Guest]

 

I guess I am dating myself

 

How singularly introspective. Who pays the bills? :huh:

[desdemona 1,412]

Oh, this thread is so entertaining, makes me feel young again :)

[Guest]

That's what I was thinking, desdemona. You see, I'm an old fart who's been married twice and 'dated' (we never used that word when I was young - we 'courted') a fair few nationalities, and what I recall through the early stages of senility, is that every single woman was very, very different, and would you believe it, even among same nationalities?

 

I still have not, and do not intend ever 'dating' a German man, so my thoughts are rather redundant on this thread, oder?

[rob2011 762]

A few weeks ago I was at Galleria with my wife. She was buying new clothes. I sat down in the chair in the corner that is reserved for husbands that have to wait for their wives. The salesgirl started talking to me and it was actually beginning to be a pleasant conversation. I thought she was part Ami for a while because she was being open and friendly, talking about her family and spare time activities, etc. It was soooo very different than my usual conversations, even with my German family here (Stuttgart).

 

After my wife got through trying clothes on and made her selections, we walked to the cashier. Once we were in line she said that Du hast das Mädchen angemacht. Meaning I had flirted with her (I thought it was started by her, but...). I said, "no way". She said yes. I said that that was just a normal conversation were it in America. She told me the next step would have been getting together for coffee. I said and then to the movies and dinner the next date?. She said no, the next time would be to meet her family and then there would be Ausgehen.

My wife thougholy understood that I wasn't flirting but that if I had been German I would have known exactly what was going on.

[desdemona 1,412]

To us married people this dating topic sure brings back fond (and not so fond) memories

I also wish someone had given me a clue when i was in my early 20s. Gosh those were indeed confusing times!

[pdunne 6]

 

Don't mention ze war.

 

I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it!

[aveline 1]

@Martin Luther and @Bipa, I also agree. Anyway, guys, at least ones around my age, are visually driven creatures. I can't speak for men who are over 30 as I've never dated one. Looks do matter, although saying that doesn't necessarily discount personality completely. But looks matter in a different way than personality; otherwise we'd just all be friends. That doesn't imply that every guy is attracted to the big-boobed, fake-nailed bimbo. And not every "pretty" girl is vacuous and superficial. Every guy is attracted to his own "look", so if your guy likes you, I think you can be confident HE thinks you're sexy.

[Guest]

Sure seems like folk make a simple thing complicated.

In my world, you like someone, you tell them, they reciprocate or not.

Take it from there.

 

This system has always worked for me whether used with a German USan etc..

Can't be doing with all this compartmentalising...

[Guest]

 

I also wish someone had given me a clue when i was in my early 20s.

 

I was married at 21.

[Grapejuz 25]

 

I have a hard time to reconcile the regular complaints in this forum about the lack of gender equality in Germany with the expectation that the man should always pick up the bill.

It would be quite unfair at a time when both members to the party are rather short of money - as students tend to be - and it would be slightly insulting to a woman with a professional career.

I do quite often pick up the bill when I go for a cup of coffee with female friends but I also do accept to be invited in return. It would create a very awkward situation if I always insisted on paying for both of us.

This is exactly why Germans have no sense of romance. Male students in America still pay for their dates. This is why they get jobs in high school, to pay for their car and dates. If you are short on money, you have inexpensive dates. It is a walk in the park and a scoop of ice cream or a round of mini-golf and sharing a pizza instead of a night at the opera and dinner at a steakhouse. Let the young man court the girl for heaven's sake. Kids these days start "ausgehen" and get trapped in relationships for years because there is no simple way to date around to get to know a person growing up in Germany.

[Beuel 4,947]

 

This is exactly why Germans have no sense of romance.

Just as a sidenote: The romantic period originates in Europe, and the movement was rooted in the German "Sturm und Drang" period. They just have a notion of romance that is closer to the original meaning.

 

 

The modern sense of a romantic character may be expressed in Byronic ideals of a gifted, perhaps misunderstood loner, creatively following the dictates of his inspiration rather than the standard ways of contemporary society.

 

Since German men clearly qualify as misunderstood loners who have a hard time to follow the standard ways of contemporary society as far as "romantic" gestures are concerned they should be considered highly romantic. .

[Oblomov 865]

 

This is exactly why Germans have no sense of romance. Male students in America still pay for their dates.

It's a strange concept of romance that depends on shelling out hard cash for the girl. Ka-ching. Does the guy get reimbursement from the dowry?

 

 

Kids these days start "ausgehen" and get trapped in relationships for years because there is no simple way to date around to get to know a person growing up in Germany.

 

Oh, sure, boys simply don't manage to meet girls here in Germany. It's like Saudi Arabia, just worse.

[Oblomov 865]

 

Since German men clearly qualify as misunderstood loners who have a hard time to follow the standard ways of contemporary society as far as "romantic" gestures are concerned they should be considered highly romantic. .

 

Yep, it's the tested and reliable Heathcliff approach.

[Calisaurus 673]

 

Sure seems like folk make a simple thing complicated.

In my world, you like someone, you tell them, they reciprocate or not.

Take it from there.

 

This system has always worked for me whether used with a German USan etc..

Can't be doing with all this compartmentalising...

 

Moonboot, I know you feel like it is super simple (I am remembering your comments on my DTF thread) but seriously, I know exactly what the OP is talking about and it is just not as easy to read over here as in America. Yeah you can tell them you like them, but considering how forward that is in German terms, it could backfire. Trust me I asked a guy out once after thinking we had been flirting and it turned out he had a girlfriend. The only guys who obviously hit on me were married. UNLESS they were non-German, then I could easily figure out the situation and what was wanted/expected. Even Austrians were easier to figure out!

 

After 8 months, I never really "dated" a German so I guess I never figured it out. I went out with guy friends so obviously split the bill every time. The only time I didn't pay was when I was dating my Dutch guy (ironically enough, haha).

 

Advice to the OP, go to expat meetups and connect with a non-German. Not that I didn't enjoy ANY German guys, but where dating is concerned, you can save yourself a lot of confusion and frustration with someone else, believe me. :)

[osmachar 324]

 

...Male students in America still pay for their dates. This is why they get jobs in high school, to pay for their car and dates. ... Let the young man court the girl for heaven's sake. ...

Who pays on a date between two gay people? :)

[Calisaurus 673]

whoever does the giving, duh.

[chris999 1,202]

 

Hi, I'm a female German and I feel totally qualified to shed some light on the bizarre local dating mores.

 

1. The usual procedure is this: First date is in a group, on the second the guy's mom will accompany you, and only if she gives her okay, there'll be a third one.

 

2. As you may already know, German men are very logical creatures, and they enjoy sharing the bill by calculating the arithmetic average and then halfing it (you can gain points if you just sit there, totally in awe at the guy's maths skills). In a weird way, it's a romantic overture.

 

3. When entering a restaurant, the rule is that the guy has to walk in first in order to clear the way, to watch out for thugs and drunks. Since men are not that good at multi-tasking and simultaneously holding the door open would be asking too much, the local girls are very apt at catching any doors before they hit their heads.

 

4. The next time you see such an ill-matched couple and the guy is to your taste, don't hesitate to pounce on the girl, yelling "No! This just isn't right! According to my theory, you shouldn't date this man. Byyyeee!" and, if necessary, apply some force to wrench the guy from her claws. This also solves the problem of showing the right amount of assertiveness, and the guy will be totally impressed by your determination, to the point of being speechless.

 

Hope I could help a bit. Good luck with the local guys!

 

If I may..

 

1. my mother lives in UK - too far to bring her to check out a girl
2. I never go dutch on a date
3. always hold the door open etc
4. I'm not German

I should be able to clean up here - what am I doing wrong?

 

 

[sidmc89 20]

Hey,

 

I started 'dating' my German boyfriend (now husband) in my mid 20's and he was a little younger than me (we met at uni). It was back home so I had no clue about the German system at all. I liked him and I thought he liked me but everytime we met up at the end of the night he would just say bye and leave. So one night I just blurted it out and turned out he did like me. Since the first kiss he assumed we were automatically bf and gf, which for me would have been a bit longer and a few more dates. But we met in groups and always at the uni bars so it wasnt always we were going there together.

 

Ive been in Germany now 3 years and im still baffled. He is not a romantic but does have his moments. Ive asked about the whole door thing (which he will let slam in my face) and its simple something that doesnt even occur to him to think about. I dont think its a gentleman thing or a polite thing its just one of those cultural things that they are totally unaware of. Of course I have trained him and now he holds the door for me and for others too.

 

As for the hot to not so hot ratio I totally agree. I worked in a bar for the first 2 years here and would see many many examples of it. I dont really understand it and if it were at home the guy would not even consider a conversation with someone less hot than he. But here it does seem to be a getting to know you thing before we date.

 

The paying separate thing still I dont get, sometimes I have to remind my husband that paying seperatly doesnt really matter anymore because its our joint account. Also at the bar I have seen couples making out and getting very hot and heavy but when it comes to the bill its still separate. I guess it just depends on the guy but mostly the separate thing is very normal regardless of who earns more money. One more thing, for us if he gets the bill its normal to protest and offer to pay also, at which point he will not hear about that happeneing and this is back and forth back and forth until an agreement is met. Here if someone says I will pay its not normal to argue or try to pay, its normal to say thank you and get the next time ( which is also expected)

 

So yes make the first move no way of knowing until you do the asking out.

Doors its not them being rude, its just unawareness.

Bills well play it by ear but bring enough for yourself.

Good luck

[Bipa 5,814]

 

If I may..

 

1. my mother lives in UK - too far to bring her to check out a girl
2. I never go dutch on a date
3. always hold the door open etc
4. I'm not German

I should be able to clean up here - what am I doing wrong?

 

The answer is obvious. Make the gals pay for themselves, and slam a few doors in their faces. You can wait and bring Mom over a little later to give final approval. <_<

[RainyDays 2,453]

 

If I may..

 

1. my mother lives in UK - too far to bring her to check out a girl
2. I never go dutch on a date
3. always hold the door open etc
4. I'm not German

I should be able to clean up here - what am I doing wrong?

 

Non-Germans might get a pass despite paying the bill and holding the door open. Isn't that generous? :D