Need advice on dating German guy

[aveline 1]

Hi -- I've been lucky to meet some nice German guys at the uni, but I'm unsure about what constitutes dating and how to read signs if he's interested. Because we're both young (early 20's) and students without a paying job, I'm not sure if the discussion threads I've read here apply to us.

 

So is there anyone who is German/or is currently dating a Stuttgart local that can give advice about German guys in my generation/age group (early 20's)?

 

Again, please only answer if your experience has been with people in early or mid-20's

 

***

 

1. Asking out: ...Do guys ask girls out on dates here, or is it more of a thing to hang out in a group and then do the dating thing? Does one have to be assertive in showing interest with German guys? It has never been difficult for me to get asked out in any other country, usually get asked out just sitting on a plane, café, etc, even though I'm quiet and reserved. I smile and laugh easily though once approached, which perhaps makes up for it. But in Germany, I've only been asked out by non-Germans, until recently.

 

2. When do guys here offer to pay for drinks or dinner? Or do students always split the bill? None of the German guys I've been on dates with will even offer to pay. But I ask because on all the other dates I've had with foreigners, they always offered and almost always insisted on paying. For example, in Switzerland (which is admittedly more conservative), guys always offered and absolutely insisted on paying, even if the date ended with us both knowing we'd just be friends. And we were all students too. On dates with Americans, they usually offer initially but the rate of going Dutch seems to be positively correlated with his disinterest in a second date. Usually with American guys, I either offer to pay or reject their offer, but in the end, I let the guy decide what he wants if he was the person who initiated the date. In the rare cases I ask out a guy, I usually pay and insist on it.

 

3. As for doors, why do most German guys walk in front of girls through doors? Is it just an age/generational thing that has changed? I mean, in the US, guys opened the car door for me on the first date. Granted, they were from the South, but even guys from the North held doors open for me and let me pass through.

 

4. And a final question, which people will find provocative or downright insulting, but I see decent-looking to above-average guys here dating girls here that just don't seem to match in looks. (Can't say anything about personality obviously, but in my experience with guys, attraction to looks/style is an overwhelmingly important first factor). I say this because I'm used to guys dating "up" in the looks department. Has anyone else noticed this here? I don't even want to begin to interpret this, but I just wanted to know if anyone else found this striking.

[westvan 9,706]

American women dating German men

 

How German men show romantic interest

 

Communication breakdowns while dating - Misunderstandings between a German and non-German

 

 

As for doors, why do most German guys walk in front of girls through doors? Is it just an age/generational thing that has changed?

Nope. Older German men wouldn't hold the door open for you either.

[RainyDays 2,453]

Hi, I'm a female German and I feel totally qualified to shed some light on the bizarre local dating mores.

 

1. The usual procedure is this: First date is in a group, on the second the guy's mom will accompany you, and only if she gives her okay, there'll be a third one.

 

2. As you may already know, German men are very logical creatures, and they enjoy sharing the bill by calculating the arithmetic average and then halfing it (you can gain points if you just sit there, totally in awe at the guy's maths skills). In a weird way, it's a romantic overture.

 

3. When entering a restaurant, the rule is that the guy has to walk in first in order to clear the way, to watch out for thugs and drunks. Since men are not that good at multi-tasking and simultaneously holding the door open would be asking too much, the local girls are very apt at catching any doors before they hit their heads.

 

4. The next time you see such an ill-matched couple and the guy is to your taste, don't hesitate to pounce on the girl, yelling "No! This just isn't right! According to my theory, you shouldn't date this man. Byyyeee!" and, if necessary, apply some force to wrench the guy from her claws. This also solves the problem of showing the right amount of assertiveness, and the guy will be totally impressed by your determination, to the point of being speechless.

 

Hope I could help a bit. Good luck with the local guys!

[aveline 1]

@westvan Thanks for the links, but as I had written in my post multiple times, I was sort of interested if there was a difference for students or people from Stuttgart. For example, as students, neither of us has the greater earning power, so it's hard to say who would pay for what. And hanging out in groups might be more prevalent with us who are still in uni, so it's hard to gauge interest. And I was curious if there was a dating culture for guys raised in southern Germany/Stuttgart, as I've been told it tends to be a bit more conservative and reserved than the rest of Germany.

 

@Rainydays. Thanks for the humor. Cheers to proving that Germans indeed can make jokes. (Not sure about the arithmetic average and halving it though, but it's ok, you guys didn't do so well on the math section, according to the Pisa study). And touché, my last question is ridiculous. But what was intended was that guys have a different system, at least from my experience. It's like attraction = looks * (personality + brains) is their formula, and for girls, it's more like a linear relationship, i.e. looks + brains + personality. And here, it doesn't seem to be so much the case.

 

So basically it seems that unless I ask "Do you like me?", I have no way of knowing if a guy is interested in me because we go on group dates, double-dutch, and Germans don't open doors for girls (or anyone else for that matter...I saw a lady with a baby tram struggling through a door)...someone please say something to the contrary...

[gail123 434]

I met my husband at Uni. He told me about his current girlfriend while hanging out with me (she was in the UK, we were in US). Then he told me that he broke up with her. Then he came home (for a family dinner with parents) with me for Thanksgiving (because Uni was closed and he had no place to go). That evening he came home (to my place, after dinner with my parents) with me and never left again. No sign of interest other than deep friendship before that. So, you know, I think German guys are deep. And quiet. Or at least, mine was (he is quite talkative in private and with friends now).

[Bipa 5,814]

Here are some suggestions which might help you out.

 

1. Anything goes. There are no rules. If you're interested in going out on a date with a guy, then ask him out. Start with a cup of coffee at a little cafe and see how it goes.

 

2. Assume that going Dutch is the norm.

 

3. Chivalry is dead. Generally the only doors which will be opened for you in Germany are automatic doors with sensors.

 

4. Germany has never been known for its sense of fashion and beauty. Looks don't count as much as your bloodline and your parents' occupations.

 

Being direct means forget about anything you've ever learned about etiquette, nuances and subtle gestures. If you bat your eyes at a guy, he either won't notice or ask if you've got a problem with your contacts.

[gaberlunzi 814]

Either Germany has changed that much since I left there, or you are not very nice scaring that poor Aveline.there are still gentlemen around in Germany I'm sure. They are only shy and need a little encouragement.Most young German men are probably financially as hard up as you are and prefer to go dutch.But I don't believe that they would not hold the doors open when you sweetly smile at them.I still open the doors for my wife and she is 75 years old and can be bossy as hell when she is home.I would not dare not holding the door open

Just keep smiling and be sweet as honey and the boys will float around sooner than later.At the low 20th most men are not ready to be hitched, so if that is your goal, look for the acquaintance of one who is not that athletic looking and a few years older and had a job for a few years.Good luck in your chase.

[Bipa 5,814]

Oh Gaberlunzi, I was talking about young, single, never married men. After marriage, many German men can be trained up quite nicely. ;)

[Guest]

if you like someone be direct tell them. suggest going the cinema together then for a drink afterwards, if it is meant to be you will both make it happen.

 

I am not a fan of the guy always paying on dates. I've always either taken turns or split the bill.

when I was a student and when I was working, here or in my home country.

 

doors will get opened for you sometimes, I struggle with my stroller sometimes but then the odd random act of kindness staggers me which is also nice.

 

stop categorising people and comparing to back home. enjoy the challenges a new culture brings :)

[Bipa 5,814]

 

:P

[AnswerToLife42 2,491]

I second what Bipa (and Moonboot) wrote "Anything goes".

I don't get why only men can ask women out. Why not also the other way around.

In Germany men and women have equal rights.

[aveline 1]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your advice, and yeah, @Moonboot, I just have to enjoy being in a new culture. @Bipa, your video link was hilarious, by the way.

 

So it seems like friendship first, and we'll see what happens from there.

[Conquistador 11,153]

Even German guys in their early 20s may have had some experience dating women from outside of their country, so they should have some clue that women from the US may be used to some different practices.

 

In my experience, a German woman won't let a man pay the full bill on a first and subsequent dates even if he wants to (those of us from US usually do), and she wants to explicitly discuss whether there is going to be a relationship rather than the two figuring it out from body language and other hints, so if that's what he's used to you know what to expect.

[Mellyco 1,533]

Some interesting questions, and some good answers. I'm out of my 20s now, but my German bf and I met while we were in your "target demographic", so I feel qualified to answer.

 

Group things are very much the norm - hanging out with friends, getting to know people. You can find out about compatibility, shared interests, etc., and how groups of friends get along. Going out to dinner also isn't necessarily a date - male and female friends can go out together, enjoy time spent together, etc., without it being romantic. And splitting the bill is very normal - one person paying it all is very unusual here in my experience. If a girl lets the guy pay for a whole meal, she will often pay for it all the next time.

 

Doors - yeah, get used to it As Bipa says, automatic doors here are your friend! Unless they've spent a lot of time in another culture (like living in the Southern US for a while), they are very unlikely to even think about opening doors for you - it isn't something that they've every been told to do or think about.

 

gail123's experience is quite typical of many relationships that I know of - often a strong friendship is established, then things go from there. "The Rules" certainly would confused German men and women! LOL

 

I think in many ways this partially answers your last question as well. A friendship is more important to many people here than absolute attractiveness. It is more along the lines of the better you get to know someone, the more attractive you find them; a friendship chemistry leads to a physical chemistry.

[gail123 434]

Absolutely.

My husband is a 10 and my mind may be a 10, but the exterior would be lucky to be a 6, I think;-). I'm glad my husband fell in love with my conversation because he's certainly the hottie in our couple. I guess we are one of those couples OP looks at and wonders about.

 

Yet, I'm pretty certain she wouldn't wonder if it were the other way around: no one wondered at Kissinger dating hot women because in a patriarchal society, men's looks are secondary to character.

[Guest]

can't say it is something I have noticed in particular over here, and I find that a very superficial attitude from the OP that frequently one person in a couple (the guy) is a hottie and the other a nottie (woman).

 

attraction (even initial) is a complicated thing, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[SweetpeachfromGA 0]

I am from South Georgia, USA and the door thing is so true. I am use to guys holding the doors for me. I have been here a year and I am slowly getting use to opening the door for myself and/or walking in behind my husband. But I do understand I am in a different culture then South Georgia lol.

[Guest]

somehow you get used to it, I don't expect it so when it happens it's quite nice.

I always hold doors open for others and most of the time I get a kind smile or thank you. hope the politeness rubs off!

[Lieberato 3]

Find this really interesting! As a foreign guy with lots of german guy friends, I never really understood how flirting here works. Forget about messages, however sublime it may be to come from the guys. I'm the dude always pushing my guys to do it! After getting to know them more, I now call german guys "Kartofellpuree" = mashed potatoes, soft and squashy! I suggest you, should take the initiative. Btw, looks aren't always what it is. I know many good looking german guys/ girls as boring! Can't say the same to spanish/italian/french/polish girls.

 

But hey, maybe looks alone works for some. Well, you make your own fate here!

Wish you all the best!

[Beuel 4,947]

http://www.toytownge...howtopic=159119

 

How to get asked out by German men

 

There are signs. There are few Germans who treat each other in male/female categories right from the start. One of the reasons men don't hold doors open for women as a rule. And a lot of German women would feel harrassed by a very direct approach.

 

Prostitution is legal in Germany, and it's a faux pas if not an insult to treat a non-hooker as if she had something to offer right from the beginning.