Christmas Jokes for the Holiday Season

92 posts in this topic

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

Happy now?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.


 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 8
 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???


 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 Date: December 9
 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!  I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" 

 

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 

 

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"Duvet they know it's Christmas" is being released again this year, it's another cover.

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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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Here is the first Christmas one for this year (at least on this thread):

Quote

 

I still remember the day my Mum told me that Santa wasn't real. 

 

I was devastated. 

 

I jumped straight into the car and drove to the pub.

 

 

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Question: Why is Christmas just like your job? 

 

Answer: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 

 

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Archaeologists were excited when they thought they had found a Snowman graveyard, turns out it was just a field of carrots.

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What's the most disappointing thing to find in your Christmas stockings ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... your Dad.

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Why did no one bid for Rudoph and Blitzen on Ebay?

 

Because they were two deer.

 

 

Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

 

Because he has private elf insurance.

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How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas?   He felt his presents.

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Does Santa really live at the North Pole, well let's look at the evidence;

Dresses in red and white,
Good at breaking into houses,
Drives an untaxed, uninsured vehicle,
Has loads of electrical goods that can't be traced,
Only works one day a year,
Lapland my arse, he's a Scouser.
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I prayed to God to give me a bike for Christmas, but I know he doesn't work that way.

So I stole one and asked for his forgiveness.

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