Christmas Jokes for the Holiday Season

[HerrDinksbumps 137]

I figure there must be some good ones out there.. I like to tell topical jokes in English lessons sometimes, so fire away.. I know I could google, but I used the search here - to no avail, and figured why not have a thread for it?..

 

Here's google's first tidbit:

 

 

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

 

 

Obviously I'll never be telling that in an English lesson, so hopefully some people here can do better..

[sarabyrd 18,740]

A must for your eggnog party:

 

[john g. 24,703]

Where are the pepper spray meme experts here when you need them? :D

[theGman 2,202]

A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

 

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

 

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

 

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

 

Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

[auniquecorn 2,079]

Here ya go John.

[Thelonious Monk 1,580]

John and his wife Mary go away to Russia for Christmas and meet up with a local lad named Rudolf.

 

One day they are sitting outside a cafe and John says "how lovely, it's starting to snow"

 

Rudolf corrects him and says "no John that's rain".

 

John insists it's starting to snow and Rudolf insists it's rain.

 

Mary turns to John and backs Rudolf up by saying....

 

"Rudolf the red knows rain, dear"

[gordonthemoron 753]

that is truly dreadful, well done TM ;)

[clickety6 3,588]

Darth Vader is having a lightsabre fight with Luke Skywalker. Suddenly he backs off and says.

 

“Luke, Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

 

“No, father, you don’t.” Says Luke. “Now I must fight you.”

 

“Luke…” Says Darth, backing off a bit more. “I KNOW what you are getting for Christmas!”

 

“No, father, you don’t.” Says Luke. “Now are we going to have this fight or what?”

 

“Do not under-estimate the Dark Side, my Son. I know what you are getting for Christmas!”

 

“No you don’t, father.” Says Luke.

 

“Yessss, my son, I do, for I have felt your presents.”

 

 

[kathie 1,005]

I would green that one more than once, if I could, it made me giggle.

[clickety6 3,588]

Q: How did Good King Wenceslas like his pizza cooked?

 

 

A: Deep Pan - crisp and even.

 

 

 

Q: What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?

 

 

A: A list of everything you want!

[El Jeffo 28,840]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates, waiting to enter heaven. They encounter St. Peter, who demands they present something "Christmassy".

 

The first man searches his pockets, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

 

The third man pulls out a pair of sheer, crotchless panties.

 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

 

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[chris999 1,193]

 

Q: What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?

 

A: A list of everything you want!

 

 

Love it! Reminds me of an add on TV .

 

Little boy shown again and again looking at clock waiting for christmas - eventually the morning comes - he wakes up - jumps out of bed - past the pile of presents and gets a present out of his cupboard - goes to give it to mum and dad.

 

"John lewis - for presents you can't wait to give"

 

If only!!!

[sarabyrd 18,740]

Mae West:

 

 

Pressing her breasts* together she says...

 

"This ones name is Xmas and this ones name is New Years...why don't you come up and see me between the holidays?"

* I have also heard this with "legs"

[gordonthemoron 753]

or on a similar vein, from Phoenix Nights:

 

Nice legs, what time do they open ;)

[djbobbins 135]

The week before Christmas; Mum and Dad are sitting on the sofa watching TV when their son rushes in.

 

He says excitedly "Dad, I don't want a Scalextric for Christmas any more!"

 

Mum and Dad exchange furtive glances, then Dad replies "But Father Christmas might have already made your Scalextric, son, I think it might be too late for you to change your mind."

 

Son: "Well, I don't want a Scalextric any more. I want a train set instead."

 

Dad, still wheedling: "So why have you decided you'd like a train set? Surely a Scalextric would be more fun, with cars, bridges, tunnels and so on?"

 

Son: "I know that car racing is more exciting than train sets, but I still don't want a Scalextric for Christmas. I want a train set."

 

Dad: "But if cars are more exciting, I don't understand why you want a train set?"

 

Son: "Because I don't need a Scalextric for Christmas any more. I've just found a whole brand set on top of the wardrobe in your bedroom..."

[clickety6 3,588]

...

[andy_jm 57]

10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

 

There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.

Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.

You'd always work in sensible footwear.

You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.

Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.

You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.

You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.

No one would ask to see your job description.

[andy_jm 57]

How They Forecast a Cold Winter

 

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2009/10 was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

 

In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.

 

'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

 

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked.

 

'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him.

 

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

 

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

 

The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'

[Für Elise 3,843]

Tampax have just announced the release of a limited edition gimmick: tampons with bells on.

 

Available only for the Christmas period.

[minga 731]