Christmas Jokes for the Holiday Season

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I figure there must be some good ones out there.. I like to tell topical jokes in English lessons sometimes, so fire away.. I know I could google, but I used the search here - to no avail, and figured why not have a thread for it?..

 

Here's google's first tidbit:

 

 

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

 

 

Obviously I'll never be telling that in an English lesson, so hopefully some people here can do better..

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A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

 

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

 

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

 

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

 

Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

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Q: How did Good King Wenceslas like his pizza cooked?

 

 

A: Deep Pan - crisp and even.

 

 

 

Q: What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?

 

 

A: A list of everything you want!

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Q: What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?

 

A: A list of everything you want!

 

 

Love it! Reminds me of an add on TV .

 

Little boy shown again and again looking at clock waiting for christmas - eventually the morning comes - he wakes up - jumps out of bed - past the pile of presents and gets a present out of his cupboard - goes to give it to mum and dad.

 

"John lewis - for presents you can't wait to give"

 

If only!!!

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Mae West:

 

 

Pressing her breasts* together she says...

 

"This ones name is Xmas and this ones name is New Years...why don't you come up and see me between the holidays?"

* I have also heard this with "legs"

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The week before Christmas; Mum and Dad are sitting on the sofa watching TV when their son rushes in.

 

He says excitedly "Dad, I don't want a Scalextric for Christmas any more!"

 

Mum and Dad exchange furtive glances, then Dad replies "But Father Christmas might have already made your Scalextric, son, I think it might be too late for you to change your mind."

 

Son: "Well, I don't want a Scalextric any more. I want a train set instead."

 

Dad, still wheedling: "So why have you decided you'd like a train set? Surely a Scalextric would be more fun, with cars, bridges, tunnels and so on?"

 

Son: "I know that car racing is more exciting than train sets, but I still don't want a Scalextric for Christmas. I want a train set."

 

Dad: "But if cars are more exciting, I don't understand why you want a train set?"

 

Son: "Because I don't need a Scalextric for Christmas any more. I've just found a whole brand set on top of the wardrobe in your bedroom..."

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10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

 

There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.

Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.

You'd always work in sensible footwear.

You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.

Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.

You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.

You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.

No one would ask to see your job description.

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Tampax have just announced the release of a limited edition gimmick: tampons with bells on.

 

Available only for the Christmas period.

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