School bullying question

172 posts in this topic

I haven't had time to read the whole thread so hope I'm not simply repeating but we have had this from both sides.

 

Our foster son was bullying/getting into fights. The school actually rang us to tell us. We agreed that if it happened again they would ring and I would go through and pick him up. Of course it happened again. they rang, I went. I walked it looking very stern and upset with said son. The teacher then spent 10 minutes apologising to him for ringing me - totally took the wind out of my sails! It happened several times.

 

I did however manage to discuss it with him on each occasion. It's usually started with one of the kids calling the other names - the other one - rather than ignore calls back -- and so it escalated.

 

Each time it has happened I have taken him, after school, to the house of the kid/kids involved and made him apologise in front of the parents.

 

He has a terrible temper and is very quickly flustrated (he can't play piggie in the middle - or at least he can not be in the middle) so we still get occasional problems but the last two years have been much much better.

 

Our daughter (1st year) is been called names quite a bit at school which upset her greatly. She is disabled - (hirschsprungs) and at the moment her stomach is often quite big (although the rest of her is quite skinny). She can also leak.

Although we did inform the school and ask them to keep an eye on the situation my advice to her (and all my kids) is a bully only ever succeeds if he gets a reaction about what he/she saying. I suggested each time anything happened to "raise their eyebrows and shake their head" as if to say - "here he goes again"- make no other reaction apart from walk away.

 

It stopped soon after - they got bored.

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Obviously the issue of bullying is a huge one.

We can ask if this is a specifically German issue

or if it would be true in any country.

I think it would be true among Chinese children.

I don't think it would occur as much among Thai children.

 

Relying on officlal remedies, however, is often unproductive. Native-run institutions may have cultural biases or blind spots, e.g., bullying may be officially condemned for political reasons but subconsciously seen as a good thing. Some people subconsciously like authoritarian governments for the same reason. In other cases, nothing gets done because the legal problems involved are not worth the candle to the authorities. In other cases, economics is a factor: the system cannot afford to pay for good officials (usually the case with secondary schools in America), so those they do hire are of low quality or know that they are underpaid, so develop an uncaring mindset.

 

If officials are not protecting you or your child in some way, the response since the beginning of time has been for members of a group to band together to solve problems informally by their own means, which out of justifiable self-defense, they do not reveal.

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Obviously the issue of bullying is a huge one.

We can ask if this is a specifically German issue

 

Do you have any connection at all to Germany, the network?

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In my experience you have to bully the bully. It is called self-defence. I did this by pouring cold water over them having alerted the teacher and being told to stop being such a wimp (the bully was shorter and younger than me!). Physically harmless but gets the message across just great. Usually there is only one real bully backed up by a gang who melt away if you deal with the prize prick (water treatment).

 

Why are the schools so ineffective and passive? Don't they epxlain that bullying is totally unacceptable, must stop immediately and punish the bully if they continue? I have a friend with a son who changed schools to get away from a bully - along with half his class. How can that be allowed to happen? Teachers and parents should come down on bullies like a tonne of bricks. What is stopping them from doing that? And why do people think it would be the worst thing to do for the parent of the victim to get tough with the bully? Believe me, if someone was bullying my daughter, the teachers failed to deal with it and I had to sort the little sod out I seriously believe it would stop. But then I am neither sophisticated nor politically correct.

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...

Why are the schools so ineffective and passive? Don't they epxlain that bullying is totally unacceptable, must stop immediately and punish the bully if they continue? ...

I tried to explain that in post #102, although others may also have provided plausible explanations.

 

A second reason I referred to in an earlier post on this thread: human beings are hot-wired by their DNA to attack each other. Instinctively a human being would rather personally attack another than take the high road and engage in honorable discussion or negotiation. This is how you can distinguish between the enlightened people from the semi-civilized.

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You'd better hope you really are bigger than the other kid's dad.

 

As a semi-enlightened person I would first attempt to speak to the bully's dad but if that did not work I would certainly not stop there and you'd see the savage that lurks in us all. The arseholes only let you get away with what you let them and usually cave as soon as you bark back at them, especially if you get them on their own away from their swaggering mates. Fear, as pointed out in the video above, is the bully's (and his dad's) biggest friend closely followed by manners and political correctness. Bullies understand ugly. Give them ugly if that is all they understand.

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Dangerously close to 'The only language they understand is violence'. Which doesn't have a glorious history of success.

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No, but when you bark, most back off and you don't actually have to resort to bleeding fists. I repeat, cold water works wonders.

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Isn't there a difference between kids half your height and state foreign policies?

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No, but when you bark, most back off and you don't actually have to resort to bleeding fists. I repeat, cold water works wonders.

Barking does not work. Biting works.

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It was bound to happen sooner or later... My 2nd grader started at a public school this year (from private), and yesterday his lunch was snatched. And he didn't do anything about it! So today I must decide if I rat the kid out to the school, or teach Jr to fight his own battles.

 

I've tried hard to take my German husband's pacifist approach with child rearing, but today I taught something from my side of the family. "Next time some jerk tries to take your lunch, clench your fist, offer him a knuckle sandwich to eat, and punch at his face [without actually hitting him]. I'm sure no one will bother you again."

 

Right? Wrong? :unsure:

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I think you should rat the kid out to the school. Things might get ugly if Jr starts fighting.

I had a kid jam a metal fork into my hand when I was trying to prevent him from taking my lunch.

I still have scars from that.

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A bullied child needs to know for sure that they have the support of their parents, no matter what they choose to do. I would wholeheartedly recommend standing up to a bully, including situations where a group of bullies is involved. Pick the loudest and humiliate them in front of their friends, or hit them.

 

In school, I was a skinny wretch. Personal experience of bullying, combined with a lifetime in martial arts has taught me the following:

 

 



  • Bullies do not go away on their own
  • It is a good thing to be afraid. Adrenalin is released to help us be able to fight or flee. BE DECISIVE, do one or the other. If you do nothing, the adrenalin WILL cause you to freeze, and you WILL get hurt
  • Don't let anyone threaten to 'get you later'. They will bring friends. They need to, because they too are afraid. Call them on it. Let's do it now, if we are going to do it. Push them. If their unused adrenalin makes them freeze, you win. Be ready for retaliation.
  • If running away works, then do so, but not at the cost of your dignity otherwise next time will be worse;
  • Try and talk your way out. If you choose this option, be ready to switch to physical as it doesn't often work;
  • Understand the signs leading up to a violent outburst: monosyllabic speech, invasion of personal space, posturing, pushing etc. This will assist you in making a decision;
  • If you choose a physical course of action, commit fully. Ask an absurdly irrelevant question, such as 'Hasn't you mum got red hair?' or 'What's your favourite flavour ice cream?', then in the 1 second whilst your target is momentarily distracted wondering what the hell you are asking such an irrelevant question for, hit them. Hard. Straight punch, or low kick. All humans have weak points: eyes, nose, ears, neck, solar plexus,knees etc. Hit one, and once you've committed to hitting, keep on going until you can safely retreat
  • Leave the scene quickly and (if you're school age) report immediately what has happened

 

 

In high school I was bullied for over 2 years by a large group of bullies, right up until the day when the ringleader was facing off with me and I headbutted him, breaking his nose. He staggered away, muttering something about 'getting me later'. I called him on it, and he froze. Instead, I reported it to the school Headmaster, whose words were "I would have preferred it if you had punched him". Never heard from them again since.

 

Alternatively, as one of my friends did, take the passive aggressive approach: find out where they live, and call all the utility companies in their name, saying you've moved out and would like to be disconnected...then mock them in front of their friends for not having had a shower before school. Or order 15 deep pan 12 inch pepperonis to their house every day for a week (using different companies). Or send them a stripper, in the child's name. Or sign them up for double glazing quotes. The opportunities for anonymous trolling are endless.

 

Personally I prefer to confront the issue directly. I'm not a violent person, neither am I Jason Bourne, far from it, but I do believe in standing up for myself.

 

Splint

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