Brit separating from German faces custody issues

60 posts in this topic

I am facing the sad prospect of seperation from my German husband and would like to arm myself with some knowledge before the fight begins in earnest. We have a 1 year old daughter born in Germany and I would like to take her to live with me in England. I know I should consult a family lawyer but I was hoping for some informal/human advice or experience whilst I am thinking things through. We are a low income family, my husband is struggling to financially support us and I don't speak enough German to work properly here. I am also unskilled (a creative) which makes it harder. My job prospects are greater in the UK which would allow me to become independently solvent and provide a more secure future for our daughter. I have no idea of what I can expect from this process. Is it possible that my daughter and I could be forced to stay in Germany?

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Yes, it is possible. Get advice from the British Consulate ASAP.

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I'm sorry for your situation and I hope everything works out for you, but, for the father's sake . . . I sure hope they can force you to stay here with his child.

 

Edit: Pas beat me to it.

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discoladylou: child first, ego second. Sorry but don´t shoot the messenger. Your name here: is the disco so important? Maybe I´m wrong but....

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exactly what I was thinking, John (disco), I just didn't want to say it...

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discolady: in your post you say..." OUR " daughter. Yes, OUR daughter. Think and feel carefully. Ok, my ego ( but equally my heart/soul here )...my mum left me/us when I was a young child. I´m moving towards 60...still think about it...what if..? It´s damaging for a child life-long - it IS. No preaching here...just feeling for your child. I´ve been there - as have millions of others. Best wishes for you all and hope you can work it out.

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Personally I'd fight to the end to ensure my kids stay close. But thankfully I have an ex who understands it's imporant our children have both of us. I'm sure some fathers are happy to let their kids go , indeed I've know mothers leave children with the father.

 

My wife and I got married when we were very young and . . . you never know how that will work out. I told her after the birth of our first son, that I wouldn't fight her over custody if things should go south, she's a great mother and always was, so there was never a question in my mind, but I'd damn sure fight that they would be accessible to me.

 

In other words: +1

 

@OP: I gave you a greenie for your most recent post, as well. I understand that this can be difficult. Unfortunately, in such situations, the father is usually the loser.

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In the depths of a separation it's hard to know which way is up. The primary urge to look after the child and provide it with a stable environment is an honerable one but 3 sides to every story. Which is why the law would likely get involved.

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Yes you are preaching John and as I say I have been there too. Yes she is our daughter as we made her but I take care of her 24/7 with minimal help from her father who is at home most of the time. It is possible to be present and absent in mind. Regardless no decisions are being made lightly here.

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Sorry, discolady. No preaching intended. I now know you´ve been there, too. Best wishes.

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Yes you are preaching John

John missed his calling as a Mormon Bishop, gell MLovett? :P

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John missed his calling as a Mormon Bishop, gell MLovett?

 

Thank God I´m not a Smith, jay!! Neither is my daughter!! Neither is my ex-wife!!! Apologies to all Smiths on Toytown!!

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Whattaya say we save this chick and hijack the thread? :P

 

Remember the user 5mith?

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Discoladylou: I have no idea what the legal situation is, but strongly suggest you and husband get the use of counselling or mediation services.

 

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have had a baby and are raising it and feeling resentful at his lack of input, and your husband may be feeling excluded or doesn't know how to get involved, or you are both tired and sleep-deprived, and there may be a million misunderstandings and resentments that are driving the two of you apart, but could be resolved without the need for separation.

 

Sorry if this is wholly presumptious and way off the mark, but the first year of having a child can be super stressful on both parents. I hope you can both sort something out.

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Thanks Tibia. Actually we have been having counselling for some time but it has so far proven unsuccessful but I think we should try to see someone else. Sleep deprivation is a big issue for me as baby still doesn't sleep through the night and my husband hasn't woken once in the night to see to her. Yes resentment is driving us apart on many levels. We still have a lot to work out but naturally I want to know what happens when it doesn't work out? What then? Of course moving away is a last option but I was simply looking for some security in knowing what the process is when one chooses to go down that road. Thanks for your effort to help.

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I do not know what it is that does not work out between the Lou and her husband. It must be a terribly hard situation to have to choose to up and go with a 1-year old baby. I am not going to judge the OP. As I said, I do not know what the real problem is.

 

I hear the fathers. I applaud you all wanting to have your voices heard. I think it is great that you feel so strongly about it.

 

But what I hear loud and clear in the post is the realisation that the marriage has/may have no future.

 

 

 

  • My job prospects are greater in the UK which would allow me to become independently solvent and provide a more secure future for our daughter.
  • Primarily what I want is to take our child from a negative home environment. Secondly I want to provide for us both, as my husband is unable to do that. Thirdly I have been living as a single parent in a marriage for the past year. I simply want to continue to take care of our daughter but with the support of my family and friends.

 

I take you back to another discussion. The discussion of someone who is now financially on her own.

 

If I remember the discussion correctly (I do not have the time to go through everything again) the general consensus was: You made your bed, lie in it. The lack of empathy surprised me back then.

 

In other words: The: "do not leaves, but do not come back in 10 years and say you have no money.".

 

She wants to be able to financially support herself and that seems to be only really possible in England. (As the OP also said, the father could also go to England.)

 

I just want to say to Lou, I am sorry that you and your husband are in this situation. I hope that you find a solution that works best for all of you.

Good luck.

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