Coping with mind games

382 posts in this topic

But I do not know what to do...!!!

 

Hence I asked the colective TT guru!

 

I want to be part of my daughters life.. She is happy to plod along without me as long as she gets her money.

 

Her Idea of my "time with Lilly" is when she goes for a walk and tell me " i can meet them at the top f the road"

 

Ok.. this IS time with her, but erm.. she is sleeping!! This isnt the bonding that I need.

 

This isnt the Womans First child... but it would appear that simmilar happened to Her other daughters father... Her Daughter hasnt seen her dad in 14yrs...

 

When she asks.. She is told.. "sure you can see him.. Go pack your bags!" "There is no need to come back either"

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I think it is not what you want to hear, but at least during the first year it will be extremely difficult to build any bonding at all. It is difficult already difficult when you live together but you work and the mother is always at home. Things change later.

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I am no expert here but I think I agree with nobulljim and krieg. You have to find away to disentangle the different bits going on. The main thing is to focus on your child - to get what you want there - but without wasting your life on the woman. In general, I always say, try to damp stuff down. Do not escalate. A lot of people thrive on drama, they like to be a public spectacle. There are also a lot of people who like watching other people's dramas. Don't get sucked in there.

 

Maybe you do need some formal process to give that structure (I don't mean law but more family support stuff, whatever that is here).

 

Sure, she is repeating history. Lots of people do. (And the women who hangs out with a bloke just long enough to get the kid and the money to pay for him / her is hardly a little known phenomenon of course). Down to the rest of us to decide if we run the risk of letting them do it again. No point resenting her for what she did with another bloke 15 years ago. Far, far, too late to read the message of that now. So, let it go.

 

Meanwhile, go out. Do anything. Friends, cinema, whatever. Anything to distract you.

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That what I meant, not living together means things are even more complicated. How bad is the situation at the moment? Is it not possible you just hang around in her place everyday for a couple of hours? Like making a routine you are the one who prepare the baby to sleep or something like that?

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Meanwhile, go out. Do anything. Friends, cinema, whatever. Anything to distract you.

 

I am plodding on with life, I am often distracted..

 

EG, Ysterday I was hell bent on getting my Handy replaced/renewed/repair.. making my way to the un-service dept of Saturn.. when I heard a newborn cry...

 

That went through me like an arrow... straight through my chest!

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That went through me like an arrow... straight through my chest!

 

Awwwww. I remember some bad times. There will be a better day, just a matter of when, we have to hang on for that. Lots of teeth-gritting in the meantime though. The first picture is so sweet :) . I meant something a bit more entertaining than a handy repair though!

 

Also, have you thought about getting support of your own? OK, TT is fine, but I mean family groups, groups for dads in your situ etc etc. Even your doc, maybe a therapist for a while?

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I am no expert here

Maybe you do need some formal process to give that structure (I don't mean law but more family support stuff, whatever that is here).

 

Regarding family support, perhaps you could contact the Kinderschutzbund, they organise visitation rights.

 

http://www.kinderschutzbund-bayern.de/infos-fuer-eltern/begleiteter-umgang.html

 

http://www.kinderschutzbund-bayern.de/infos-fuer-eltern/begleiteter-umgang/wissenswertes.html

 

http://www.kinderschutzbund-bayern.de/infos-fuer-eltern/begleiteter-umgang/anmeldung.html

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lots of good advice here SP.

 

persevere with trying to see your daughter as much as possible even if you get doors slammed in your face. eventually your ex may relent especially when her hormones start to settle down. she may even be glad of the break, early motherhood, especially as she is breastfeeding can be so demanding. (I know, my littlun is 6 weeks old!)

 

it's difficult but try to remain calm and be the stable one, don't rise to games or arguments. answer the phone, your ex needs to see she will only get sane responses from you then she may eventually give up the game playing.

 

and no need to worry that your daughter won't bond with you, am sure you will see that she already recognises your voice and face. and the older she gets the easier it will become. as a father you do have rights, and it's great to see a father so interested in being a father, your ex would do well to remember this. my sister's ex buggered off into oblivion when their son was only 6 weeks old.

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and no need to worry that your daughter won't bond with you, am sure you will see that she already recognises your voice and face.

 

I do not want to turn this into a pointless discussion because I am a father and I totally understand the hell SpiderPig is living at the moment, but I just want to say that young babies can't really see like we see, they need some months to learn how to see. It is just the same as people who were born blind and their eyes get fixed some day, they need long time to learn how to see, it is not like in the movies that they are instantly perplexed at the blueness of the sky and find their partner as beauty as they imagined.

 

A young baby recognizes people from smell, voice, mama's heartbeat, etc.

 

Maybe it was not a good idea posting this ...

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I do not want to turn this into a pointless discussion because I am a father and I totally understand the hell SpiderPig is living at the moment, but I just want to say that young babies can't really see like we see, they need some months to learn how to see. It is just the same as people who were born blind and their eyes get fixed some day, they need long time to learn how to see, it is not like in the movies that they are instantly perplexed at the blueness of the sky and find their partner as beauty as they imagined.

 

A young baby recognizes people from smell, voice, mama's heartbeat, etc.

 

Maybe it was not a good idea posting this ...

 

Very good idea to post it...

 

Some folk dont know how hard it is until they are in the sutuation...

 

Yes... The smell of the other parent is often soothing to a child when they are in discomfort with wind or some such

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True Moonboot. I think there are some very wise words on here. Don that may be your most decent post ever on TT. Women do change after a birth, I was lucky mine was reasonably okay, but the post baby period is one weird experience for all.  

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@ Krieg

yes they don't see like we see, but SP's daughter is already 10 weeks old.

and many studies show that even newborns recognise their parents' faces faster than we think.

here's one for example.

our midwife has told us the same.

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Apparently when I was newborn in hospital I used to ignore the doctors, but become instantly alert when I heard my father's footsteps. Krieg is sadly right.

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My point being, the thing you should ignore is what she does, not the woman herself. She is, as uncomfortable as it may be, impossible and inadvisable to ignore, as she is the woman looking after your baby. ...Something has gone wrong between you and the woman? You daughter does not care. She does not even know what a foot is yet, so we can safely assume that complex human interaction are somewhat beyond her. Your daughter just needs a mum and a dad, in whatever form that comes. You need to be able to deal with the mother. You simply need to. If that means putting up with something you don't wanna put up with, then...well, unlucky. You have no choice. No silly mind games.

This is so true.

The amount of times I have wanted to get on a train to Flensburg to go and give a certain woman a kick in the undercarriage... and I wasn't even married to her.

But I haven't.

Because what I think of her actions isn't important. The kids are.

 

It is not easy. I can't even imagine what my gent goes through, all I can do is support him and the kids where and how I can. Speaking to others in similar situations can help (and if you fancy meeting up sometime with us, do, the gent's marriage went when the smallest one was a year old).

 

There's few things in life that upset me as much as seeing kids getting a raw deal. Very few.

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I have no advice, but man do I feel for you!

 

For some reason your post has really touched me. Maybe it's because your TT SpiderPig persona is so different from this heartfelt post, but to me it has highlighted the fact that we are all just normal people trying to manage real life under varying degrees of difficulty.

 

My thoughts are with you.

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@ Krieg

yes they don't see like we see, but SP's daughter is already 10 weeks old.

and many studies show that even newborns recognise their parents' faces faster than we think.

here's one for example.

our midwife has told us the same.

 

I would not call that exactly "studies" you can trust, it sounds more like watching random events and saying that the cause of the event is just what we wanted to be.

 

Babies can't even focus at all in their first 2 months, they can only "see" things that are really close to them. And even after that they still can not really see that well, only until they are like 5 or 6 months old there is a chance that they are really identifying things just by using their vision. But they might get familiar with the surroundings and learn how to identify things combining all senses and assuming things.

 

A fast Google search shows this article that can be interesting:

 

http://www.ski.org/Vision/babyvision.html

 

And that's only the physical part (the eyes themselves) there is the other part, training the brain to give meanings to what the eyes see, learning to build the 3d world with the images with the 2 eyes, etc.

 

Anyway, this is a very complicated subject because babies do not talk. And what is important as well, they are bloody good in using the few resources they have.

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I think we should agree to disagree at this stage as this is SP's thread asking advice we should rather stay on-topic.

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I would be interested to know the child's mother's reasons for treating you like this. Can you tell us how it came about?

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