Coping with mind games

373 posts in this topic

Be friendly to your ex (?) and always tell yourself that you are doing it for your daughter. That's how I would deal with it. Little cutie, BTW, congrats!

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Be the bigger person. Be nice, but just to the extent that is absolutely needed.

 

Cute baby btw :)

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok.. but for the past few weeks she has ignored me until she needed something...

 

Do I Ignore her till I need something??

 

Whats the best plan?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know the arrangements. But if you don't need anything from her (might she be freaking out about being alone and raising the peanut alone?), then just be as casual as you can about it.

 

PS: forums are for attention whores, so anyone judging you is a bigger whore :P

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SP, keep your feelings in check, try not to lose your temper (easy for me to say as I also have developed a short fuse since being in Germany and a Dad) and swallow your pride and go back and help. 

 

I've had to swallow my pride so often too. Don't go near a court. Priority now is not your partners needs, not yours its your baby.  She also has to see that you are a a team.

 

Don't analyse women. Best strategy is "Yes dear". Whatever.

 

Good luck lad.

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't agree that the best strategy is 'yes dear', but I do think right now is not the time to start a war. Stay calm, do what you can to help and be with your daughter. After you have a track record and history of being there, helping or at least trying to it'll help you (if not with her at least with trying to get rights to your daughter).

I know, easier said than done to take the high road and also not let your heart get trampled.

Hang there- big hug from Milwaukee.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Be the bigger person. Be nice, but just to the extent that is absolutely needed.

 

Agreed.

 

 

Do I Ignore her till I need something??

 

No. Do not ignore, or she will claim that you do not care about your daughter. You DO need something, and that is to see your daughter, so pester every day (POLITELY), if that is what it takes.

 

SP, she can try all she wants to convince SP Jr that you are evil (my mother always did RE my Dad), but it is up to you to convince your daughter otherwise. Actions speak louder than words, and I was always closer to my father, because he was always there for us. Can't say the same about my mother. She is already trying to weasel out of seeing my son "graduate" from Kindy. :rolleyes: Some things never change.

 

Good luck, and NEVER give up. You are also the parent, no matter what she says. This should not be about her, this is about your daughter, period.

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First, congratulations on that beautiful little cherub!

 

The drama continues so long as both actors are on the stage.

 

Playing games and saying hurtful things serves no positive purpose whatsoever.

 

Stop before you speak and ask yourself what purpose your words will serve. If they won't have a positive impact on your daughter in the end, apply duct tape.

 

You're a good sort, SP, and there is no reason you can't be a fabulous father.

 

Get off of the stage.

 

Answer your phone/messages so Mrs. SP can't claim you don't care about your little bundle of joy. The baby could be sick or something.

 

Lastly, I recommend counseling for yourself or for the two adults in this situation. Unless what you are currently doing is working.

 

All the very best,

Fruity

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If there is a tiff brewing, do not do it via SMS. Answer by phone. Or just say "call me" or I'll call". Explain that to her as well.

The misunderstandings and bad feelings left afterwards only exacerbate any problem. The same goes for emails and forum postings, as we have all witnessed here on TT.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a thought but 10wks isn't a long time in the getting over having a baby phase - she could still be v hormonal - esp if she os breastfeeding and may be feeling very vulnerable and overwhelmed. It's also a classic time for post-natal depression to take hold. My daughter is 11wks and I still am finding that my hormones / moods are all over the place!

 

Try to be as patient and understanding as you can - remember that at the end of the day it's your daughters welfare and your relationship with her that matter most. I think Ian's advice to always TALK is really good - it's not always easy to convey / understand feelings in a mail/sms.

 

Good luck and I hoppe it all works out the way you want it to.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, yeah, good point Redlawrey. Hormones. Yeah, you should certainly factor that into your thinking SP - she might just be all doolalley in the head for a while.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget that you have both been affected by the birth and all the changes a new person brings. It's a mad time: neither of you is probably feeling "yourself" at the moment. You might feel as if what you are doing and saying is the right thing, but looking back later you might wonder what got into you. Remember that when you get upset, and try to remember that before you speak or act yourself. This article on post-natal depression was in the newspaper just last week: New dads not immune to postnatal depression

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Try to remember that when she calls you a fuck-brained, attention whoring, unfaithful, abusive bastard who doesn't give a damn about your daughter, she's really expressing her inner hurt over a totally different issue like your total incompetence at emptying the dishwasher, or your selfishness in foreplay, or the fact that you never offer to serve her first when you're eating together.

 

Its pretty hard to remember this, and you will feel the anger rise up inside yourself. But from her side she didn't mean the stupid things she said, she meant some totally different over which she is hurting. And if you respond to what she said (rather than what she meant), then from her perception, you're just being abusive as you insult her back, instead of understanding her hurt.

 

Of course life would be a lot easier if psycho bitches would just say what they mean, rather than blaming you for not understanding their riddles. But life would also be easier if gravity was half what it is. Not going to happen, so stop worrying about it.

 

So responses like: I don't think what you said is fair, or thanks for saying that, but I disagree will get you a lot further than answering in kind. Its not easy, not easy at all. But after a while you'll see the results and it will become easier. I'm in a similar position, except trying to see my ex-stepson (so I have no legal rights). I've actually got him for a whole week, while she's gone away so it worked for me at least.

 

Finally regarding NoBullJim's advice, all I can say is absolutely brilliant!

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She is probably still living through postpartum madness. And if it was the first kid, going through a pregnancy while having problems with the husband/partner might be another bad thing. And if she already had a crazy personality you have a full blown recipe for problems.

 

Stop playing, act like a adult and a parent and do what you have to do. It is not anymore about you, always remember that.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now