What made you laugh today?

19,398 posts in this topic

18 minutes ago, HH_Sailor said:

 

Wenn Frauen töten

( When women kill)

 

Tuesdays and Thursdays, of course.

 

Oh, sorry, that wasn't a question.

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Why won't Republicans vote for Trump's removal from office?

 

Because they believe a baby should be carried to full term. 

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So I was at Tesco's earlier with my service dog. The lady behind me at the checkout had about £100 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley . With an attitude she asked me, what type of dog he was.

 

I told her he was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD.

 

By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.

 

She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find any toilet paper at Asda's or Tesco's because of hoarders.

 

The cashier completely lost it. I swiped my card and paid for my purchases and off I went.

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Greta Thunberg has been featured on a Swedish postage stamp...

I wonder if she realises that mail is distributed by petrol guzzling planes and trucks.

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Yeah.. but I remember them in terrifyingly black and white, Sannerl😂

Around 1963 or so! 

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Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER:
    Is this Pizza Hut?
 
GOOGLE:    
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
 
CALLER:  
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
 
GOOGLE:  
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
 
CALLER:  
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
 
GOOGLE:  
Do you want your usual, sir?
 
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
 
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
 
CALLER:  
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
 
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
 
CALLER:  
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
 
GOOGLE:  
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
CALLER:  
How the hell do you know that?
 
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
 
CALLER:  
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
 
GOOGLE:  
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
 
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
 
GOOGLE:  
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
CALLER:  
I have other sources of cash.
 
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
 
CALLER:    
WHAT THE HELL!
 
GOOGLE:  
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
CALLER:  
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
 
GOOGLE:      
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future 🤖

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