What made you laugh today?

17,166 posts in this topic

1 hour ago, hooperski said:

Genius

 

Some more:

 

Quote

How Coleen Rooney created the best day on Twitter of all time

 

The footballer’s wife set a trap for a friend she suspected of giving stories to the press – and social media was gripped

 

Name: Wag wars.  

Age: Brand new.

 Appearance: Arguably the greatest thing that has ever happened in the entire history of the internet.

 

 That’s a bold claim. Yes, but it still stands. Books will be written about the rivalry between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy. Plays will be staged. Their faces will be carved into mountains.


 Why, exactly? You didn’t see? OK, here’s the short version: at 10:29am on Wednesday morning, Rooney tweeted a long and rollicking tale of intrigue via a screenshot from the iPhone Notes app. Someone, she said, had been passing the Sun information contained in her private Instagram stories. So she set a trap.


A trap? Yes. Rooney says she blocked everyone but one person from accessing her stories, and then made up a series of elaborate lies to see if they would still reach the newspaper.

 

What lies are we talking about? There was a story about her signing up to Strictly Come Dancing, and one about her flying to Mexico to have gender-selection treatment for her next baby. All lies, she says, made up simply to trap the person she suspected. And the stories appeared in the paper.

 

So, who did she suspect? My God, this is tense. To quote Rooney’s tweet: “It’s … Rebekah Vardy’s account.”

Oh. But that doesn’t matter, because the drama has entertained us all day.

 

Really? Oh God, yes. Within minutes of this happening, people had mocked up memes of Guess Who? boardgame boxes and Scooby Doo featuring Rooney uncovering Vardy’s identity. And asking what mystery she will uncover next. It’s been amazing.

 

So people are on Rooney’s side? A million per cent. She’s everyone’s new hero. Wagatha Christie, they’re calling her.

 

 

Rest over on the Guardian

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Crikey, if this story gets any bigger it will be discussed in the House of Commons and could derail Brexit.

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, hooperski said:

Crikey, if this story gets any bigger it will be discussed in the House of Commons and could derail Brexit.

 

 

72779225_1247763922074715_78411007303404

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So Nicole and I are just getting into the car and two locals stopped in their car, smiled and said: " hey, we have something interesting for you...two young dogs! "

The cheek of it. Bet they´re offspring of one of  their neglected dogs and couldn´t be bothered to get them neutered. The dumb foreigners can deal with that.

Nice try, guys!

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How an American sums up the British.

 

British people do not use umbrellas, even though it rains every day.

Everyone says sorry for everything; it’s often best to start any request or inquiry with “sorry . . .”

Crossing the street is often very scary (even some British people are confused when to cross). The only safe place is the “zebra.”

If you look confused and/or scared when crossing the street, drivers will often speed up instead of the opposite.

English people wear winter coats starting on October 1 . . .
Christmas also starts on October 1 . . .
Also, they wouldn’t say October 1; they’d say, 1 October.

There are no plugs in the bathrooms—unclear how British women blow-dry their hair (this is a possible explanation for why some have bad hair).

Dryers somehow exist inside washing machines.

Crisps means potato chips and they have bizarre flavors like Bolognese and roast chicken (yes, roast chicken is an actual potato chip flavor here).

Military time is very popular. If someone says to meet at 18:30, you will have to get out your calculator to deduce that they’d like to meet at 6:30 p.m.

GMT stands for Greenwich Mean Time, but nobody knows what that means.

British people do not say “cheers” and tap glasses when drinking with friends. It’s apparently embarrassing and “American” to do so. They do, however, say “cheers” many times a day, but it means “thank you and goodbye.”

If you have a “cider black” (aka a snakebite) at a pub you might think you got roofied, but you didn’t.

Don’t try to order any fancy drinks at a pub, just play it cool, order “a pint” and drink whatever is in there.

Eggs are inexplicably not refrigerated and are often hidden in a regular food aisle.

Do not speak ill of the tube system. The British people love their public transportation—“transport,” if you will—even those who don’t actually use it.

British people love talking about the weather. This is not a stereotype; it’s a fact.

British people do not, however, want to talk about Hogwarts as much as I do.

One is the maximum amount of times it’s acceptable to reference Harry Potter in a conversation. (I’m aware that makes two times already for this list, sorry.)

If on a date, it’s best not to reference Harry Potter at all. (Three.)

A shopping bag is not automatically included in your purchase at a store; if you miss the question “would you like a bag?” you will have to awkwardly carry your items out in your hands and act like you planned that.

Robbie Williams is very famous here. Just act impressed whenever his name comes up and do not say, “what song does he sing again?” (It’s basically the Queen, David Beckham, Robbie Williams, in terms of famousness.)

Everyone watches The X-Factor and something called Cheryl Cole is very famous and important. (Do not confuse her with Sheryl Crow; they are different people.) Also The Great British Bake Off is a “must-see” and it’s a show about cakes.

Gogglebox is another very popular TV show where you watch people watching TV.

James Corden and Jeremy Corbyn are two different people.

If you are meeting someone on the “first floor,” you will need to go up a level because first floor means second floor in this country.

If a bicyclist puts out their hand, they are indicating which way they’d like to turn; they do not want a high five. (My bad. This is probably true in America, too.)

Do not get on the bus without your Oyster card. There is no backup option. The only backup option is: Get off ASAP. (Note: Bus drivers are not as nice as cabbies.)

Once you swipe your tube (subway) card, do not put it away because you also need it to exit the tube and if you lose it you have to live down there.

The coins are not sized by worth; the twopence is inexplicably huge while 20 pence is very small. Best to hold out your change in your hand when paying and pretend you don’t speak English.

A 2-pound coin is not as rare as the $2 bill (no need to hang on to those like Charlie’s Golden Ticket).

If you live near Fulham Road it does not necessarily mean you live near Fulham.

If you order a “lemonade,” you’ll get a Sprite and there’s literally nothing you can do about it. I still don’t know how to get an actual “lemonade” in this country.

Don’t even bother talking about herbs with anyone because every single one is pronounced differently. Basil is one thing, but wait until you hear a Brit pronounce oregano.

The Queen’s birthday is celebrated several times a year and there is very bad traffic and lots of drinking.

If it’s bad weather on her birthday, the Queen gets to have a do-over birthday, which is 100 percent the best use of that crown.

Bank Holidays happen several times a year, but no one actually knows what the holiday is in celebration of. Incidentally, if you say “Happy Bank Holiday” to an English person, they will not know how to respond; it is not the equivalent of “Happy Fourth of July!”

If it’s sunny in London and someone is visiting from literally anywhere else, it’s actually illegal if you don’t say, “Thanks for bringing us the sunshine!”

 

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know a German guy in my old stomping ground, Harburg, who lives in a Genossenschaft flat. It is being renovated by the Genossenschaft. Now, there has been a cock up , meaning it will take longer than expected and his kitchen is unusable. So, the Genossenschaft has been offering meals-on-wheels.

He has been enjoying that! He told them the flat is shared with his partner ...so he gets two meals each time.

Two points:

he lives alone

he´s 110 kilos

 

:P

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, jeremytwo said:

Greta is the gift that keeps on giving!

 

 

 

Children are off limits. End of.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now