How to flabbergast a German

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Kaffee und Kuchen is the highlight of my life, I don't get how anyone can consider it a bad thing.

 

With "The best beer is from the Czech Republic" and "Kaffee und Kuchen is awful", this thread is turning into "How to flabbergast an expat".

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Attempt to explain how you managed to find all different kinds of work in your home country without a 3 year ausbildung for any of them. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.

 

100% correct. I'm going to omit the background on this one... but...

 

Police man: "Were you trained for a career"

Me: "I went to college for such and such"

Police man: "And then what profession were you trained for?"

Me: "Um, nothing, I didn't do that"

Police man: "So you are unemployed"

Me: "I've been a professional such and such for 12 years"

Police man (And his two side kicks): The gaping pie hole look. (blink blink, complete silence) They have no idea what to write on the form.

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Once upon a time, I was wandering on a rather rainy day hand in hand with Alan, my son who was three at the time along the pedestrianised precinct that runs from Stachus to Marienplatz. We were having a fantastic time looking in the shop windows, splashing in puddles and munching roasted almonds from one of the stalls.

 

It was drizzling, a smir we would call it in Scotland, so there were many people out and about with umbrellas pursuing the irritating habit found everywhere of doing their very best to remove the eyeballs of their fellow pedestrians. This didn't really bother me as I had a nice Akubra and Alan was well wrapped up.

 

All of a sudden, from our left came a snorting, charging, rampaging octogenarian with one of those press-a-button instant umbrella stick things. In a scene reminiscent of those fringed lizard dinosaur things in Jurassic Park, little Mr B was suddenly hit full in the face by her unfolding and expanding umbrella giving the wee fellow quite a fright and he started to cry. As I was comforting him, the ancient and croaking old crone, who I had been ignoring up to this point, told me that I should "watch where (I) was going when walking past shops as people need space to open their umbrellas".

Now I could have got upset and shouted at her for hurting my boy, but I was beyond the speaking stage and decided on another course of action. I said nothing, grabbed the umbrella out of her surprised and gnarled hands, folded it carefully up, accompanied by a torrent of abuse from the foul mouthed old crone, and threw it, launched it in a graceful arc over the precinct and into the fountain on the other side, the funny modern one made of brass, where it landed with a satisfying splash and opened itself up in the water like a fleeing jellyfish and floated there. After simply making the shhh sign with my finger to the womans shocked, speechless and livid face, and not giving her time to respond or pick her jaw up from the pavement, we continued our journey with a much amused Alan having the final word "ha ha daddy schirmwerfen, ha ha ha".

 

Well done for Britain! One nil to us!

 

My tip to flabber a German's gast? Serve them a plate for decent tasting fucking food full of bloody flavour. 

 

 

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Restating Kaffee and Kuchen is the best thing in existence. The 2pm pause from work and getting yummy cookies is genius.

 

Informing Germans that not every American has a Gun tends to amaze them.

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When I catch a stranger eyeing me as we cross paths on the street, I like to smile and nod hello in a friendly way, just like we do back home. Always catches them off-guard: they look away in embarrassment rather than just smiling back!

 

I prefer the "locked eye contact" until they look away. Germans are amazing they way they just stare at you. They look you up, and down, up and down, if you are wearing shorts, and it bothers them, they are like a hunting dog, they stare at your legs... then they make eye contact with that "mean disgusted look" then back at the shorts then up and down and up and down. Non-conformist! Non-conformist! Ahh!

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Good I'm not the only person who gets dirty looks for wearing shorts or a skirt when it's 20 degrees and sunny but Germans refuse to remove their scarves and jeans. They do stare at your legs and give the dirties looks.

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walk home from the gym in your boardshorts when its snowing...not only will their colletive flabbers be well and truly gabbered, they might even crack a smile.

 

Good lord, if you did that in the cold snap a bit ago, it's not only Germans you would have amazed - dare say I would have goggled at you too!! ;)

 

My trick for flabbering their gasts is to admit to making something (anything) up as I go along...

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Okay... one thing that drives me nuts is when Germans walk like they drive. They just jump in, right in front of you, and you are expected to slam on your brakes. When walking I find this super annoying. So I play stupid, and just look at my cell phone, or my ipod, or go for the "dazed and tired" look and just take that one extra step. The turn around with that look like "How dare you step on me" and I give them the relaxed "oops" and not overly concerned look. I got a guy in a suit a couple of days ago, he went through the whole "inspection" process to make sure I didn't hurt his pant leg. Precious... I mean really. There were 3 of us on a huge empty street, and the guy decides he needs to go around me, and then just cut in... there is tons of space dude. Learn to walk without making the whole world go around you. Germans really think that the whole world should just get out of the way... "watch out world, here I come".

 

Happened as I was walking home from work earlier. A young woman, speeding to the crossing and talking on her mobile, stopped just in time and a stupid old geezer tried to bloody overtake her as I was walking across!

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I've flabbered many a german gast driving around town in my DE registered RHD vehicle :)

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Apart from being really polite and friendly, even if they are being rude as hell.

Once I asked a "lady": "Excuse me, where is this train going?" , "EXACTLY WHERE IT SAYS, THERE!!" (really shouting and all), "Aww! Thank you very much, I am blind and I can't read, thanks for your help!"

 

Also if I'm in the mood I flirt with them, it seriously freaks them out and amuses me!

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I would hate it if someone packed my groceries for me. Like the last boyfriend? Who was clueless. I'm faster and I've already planned how to pack the stuff while laying it out on the conveyor belt. I take my own bags with me. I want the heaviest stuff in the biggest bag that I can slip over my shoulder. I don't want to explain this to some spotty teenager every time.

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Good I'm not the only person who gets dirty looks for wearing shorts or a skirt when it's 20 degrees and sunny

 

I have the same problem with the dirty looks. You'd think they'd never seen a 6'3" guy with hairy legs enjoying the sunny weather by wearing a miniskirt :D

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