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How sincere are German men?

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I've been talking too/flirting with/seeing this German guy for about a couple months now. We get along really well but I'm not used to how nice he is! From where I'm sitting he:

 

1) Doesn't play games. We talk everyday and it's often initiated by him. He doesn't wait a few days to call or im me. If he can't reach me he often writes me a lovely little email. Unheard of amongst American men.

 

2) He's not shy about telling me how excited he is to see me, how much he likes me, how cute he thinks I am, etc. Again, unheard of amongst American men.

 

3) I currently live in America but I travel to Berlin often for work. When I'm in the states he stays up all night to talk to me. When I'm in Berlin I have an open invitation to stay at his place.

 

I've been told by friends that I have the tendency to date douche bags and that's why this behavior seems strange to me. I don't know though. We're not girlfriend and boyfriend and we haven't know each other for that long so I think this is kind of over the top. I'm pretty sure he's dating other women (he's a very attractive guy) and I'm certainly dating other men. I have a hard time believing that he's really sincere and not just some smooth talking panty-dropper. Am I being overly suspicious or are German men just better at being gentlemen than other nationalities?

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My first response would be: you've probably had enough experience with dating to be able to trust your instincts. If anything, German men are completely the opposite of 'panty droppers' as you so charmingly put it.

Germans simply are not 'smooth talkers', they are generally straightforward, plain talking people, and based on my experience with German women they are not in to playing games either.

It sounds like the guy likes you, so the ball is probably in your court..

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Don't trust any men they are the same no matter where you are. And don't trust women either!

 

It's good to know there are other Neuköllnians staying in on a Saturday night... (I wasn't stalking you, I just looked at your profile)

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I think the cultural differences are huge. Therefore, I'm wondering if you're attraced to each other for what the other is not...in his case overbearing control-freaks, and in yours, douche-bags, panty-droppers... If this relationship is to progress you have to have sincere things in common. My personal opinion about German men (on the whole) is that they are too simple and innocent and that disturbs me.

Still, learning experiences are good for putting things in perspective and seeing how others live.

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It's good to know there are other Neuköllnians staying in on a Saturday night... (I wasn't stalking you, I just looked at your profile)

 

yes I'm getting old and boring ;)

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For people who aren't dating and don't know each other for long, you seem to be spending a lot of time communicating. I take it you have met personally and there is good chemistry? This might be honest infatuation on both your parts, certainly! After all, he's investing a lot of time staying up at night to talk to you. If sex was all he's after, this would be a disproportionate effort since you describe him as good-looking and dating other women, right?

 

Not all German men are the same, but guys like this certainly exist. I say enjoy what you have right now without worrying and trust your instincts. If his attention feels fake or intrusive, you've got your answer there, but if it feels flattering and secure, don't doubt it just on principle. Many German men have that same geekish quality in love that they have with electrontic gadgets or logic puzzles: they're excited about it and aren't afraid of focusing lots of attention on it.

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... My personal opinion about German men (on the whole) is that they are too simple and innocent and that disturbs me. ...

 

Quatsch! Maybe you're just the sort of woman who attracts this certain type of man. On the whole German men are no different than British men. I've lived alternately for the whole of my life in Britain and Germany. I was married to a Scot for 21 years and after our divorce 20 years ago I've had German boyfriends. You get the charming unreliable types and the serious dependable types in every culture. The simple truth is that on the whole it seems that men and women are different in their approach to relationship regardless of nationality.

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German men are not smooth-talking panty droppers, which means you are usually aware of where you stand with them and don't have to question their sincerity.

 

German men are not smooth-talking panty droppers, which means that they don't play games and they don't waste time--and they can quickly become exasperated with female tendencies to do so. What you think is cute or harmless fun, they think is childish.

 

German men are not smooth-talking panty droppers, which means that after you are used to each other, you will wish he had a little bit of a swagger in his style to remind you why you were attracted to him in the first place.

 

German men are not smooth-talking panty droppers, which means they will have no problem expecting you to treat them the way their mom treats their dad, e.g. doing most of the cooking and being generally deferential.

 

German men are not smooth-talking panty droppers, which means that when it is over, it is over, and he may not be smooth about parting ways either.

 

I married a German man, and so far I have to say I am happy with my choice, but it has been a cultural adjustment.

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Is there a possibility that more permissive attitudes, not just in Germany but in continental Europe generally, toward overt teen/early-20s premarital sex/cohabitation and "clubbing" culture make "relationships" more of a musical chairs game where people tend to finally get married only when the music stops as the result of unplanned pregnancy, which skips over the early child-pressure-less bond-building years of married commitment?

 

It may just be my observation, but married men (and women) in Germany in our demographic (doing okay, kids, 40-something) appear to fool around on the side and eventually split up much more frequently than what I ever observed in the States, where people generally stick it out for the sake of the kids and/or try to work things out, mindful of the fact that they got together for reasons of strong attraction rather than expediency.

 

Clearly, I'm not saying that the aforementioned don't happen elsewhere, but society here appears to sanction it more implicitly and explicitly; i.e. the penalties for failure are lighter.

 

This could explain some of the "mama's boy/man child" descriptions above. That and perhaps living at home and/or going to school until you're almost 30.

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that's interesting, Expaticus; I seem to have noticed the exact opposite. Maybe it's my age (28) or the people I associate with (mostly better educated and from more affluent backgrounds than my own) but most of my friends agree that young Germans don't tend to date, they mate. As in, for life.

 

Everyone I know here is a couple, has been for years, and not changing that anytime soon. Weird.

 

But they really do stay in school until they're 30!

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I think these things are nearly impossible to generalise...

If someone is straightforwards and honest and you are the same then you should be able to figure out pretty fast if this is something worth pursuing or not.

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I think the main think you have going for you is he isn't american B)

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Can we clarify something? When you talk about dating / seeing him, have you actually met him, at least more than, say once? Or is he really "virtual"?

 

I met my ex-partner on a visit to Germany. We kept in touch etc but that's not a "relationship". That's when you get time together.

 

Absolutely no point in doing the comparison to other men, whatever nation. The "my foreign partner is infinitely to superior to people from my native land" is particularly so imho. He is what he is.

 

Also, be realistic. He "doesn't play games". So why are you "not sure he's seeing other women"? Some people might say that giving you the sweet-talk while at the same time seeing other women might be "games".

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do we honestly need to say that "these things are impossible to generalise"? Like, ever again?

 

A generalization is an observation. It means that the generalizer is telling you what he finds to be to a predominant trend.

 

It does not mean he believes each and every person that falls into a certain category is a certain way, or that there is a genetic predisposition to certain behavior, or that there is scientific evidence to back up his generalization.

 

It is an opinion based on individual experience--nothing more.

 

Sorry for the rant, I am just a wee weary of every thread in this place being spiced up with some comment about "but you can't say that about all of them". For Christ's sake we know that. We know. Enough already.

 

What I do find annoying are generalizations made WITHOUT experience--based on assumptions, media hype, and third-hand experience. Your brother's uncle's cousin's plumber knew someone who ___________ and you once saw the same thing happen on TV, so all __________s must be that way. That, I will agree, is uncalled for.

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do we honestly need to say that "these things are impossible to generalise"? Like, ever again?

 

A generalization is an observation. It means that the generalizer is telling you what he finds to be to a predominant trend.

 

It does not mean he believes each and every person that falls into a certain category is a certain way, or that there is a genetic predisposition to certain behavior, or that there is scientific evidence to back up his generalization.

 

It is an opinion based on individual experience--nothing more.

 

Sorry for the rant, I am just a wee weary of every thread in this place being spiced up with some comment about "but you can't say that about all of them". For Christ's sake we know that. We know. Enough already.

 

Best, most apropos post I've ever seen. Well said, Dessa Dangerous.

 

If I had a yo-yo for every time I either read or heard someone saying "you can't generalize", I wouldn't have to work anymore.

 

What, are we all supposed to come here and spout off only after having commissioned ACNielsen studies or something?

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