Worst jokes ever

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Two guys are walking their dogs. One has a big German Shepherd, the other a tiny Chihuahua. They pass by a very fancy restaurant and the guy with the Shepherd suggests they stop in for a drink. “They’re not going to let us in with the dogs,” the man with the Chihuahua says. Just do what I do, his friend assures him. The guy with the Shepherd walks in first and the maitre d’ stops him.

 

We don’t allow animals in here, sir. Sorry.This is a seeing-eye dog, the man says.

 

The maitre d’ apologizes and the man with Shepherd sits at the bar. Then the man with Chihuahua comes in.

 

We don’t allow pets in here,” says the maitre d’.

 

This is a seeing-eye dog,” says the man with the Chihuahua.

 

That’s not a seeing-eye dog, that’s a Chihuahua.”

 

And the man says: “They gave me a Chihuahua?

 

Now, what’ll ya have?

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Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

 

Nevermind, that's pointless.

 

Reminds me of one of mine (don't know if it's already been said):

 

Did you hear the one about pizza?

 

Never mind, it's cheesy.

 

or

 

Did you hear the one about the vacuum cleaner?

 

Never mind, it sucks.

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to New Mexico.

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?".

Margaret glanced at him and replies "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off to the bedroom, undressed and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the cowboy boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?".

Margaret looked him up and down and asks "Bert, what's different?, it's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it will be hanging down tomorrow"

Unable to contain his rage, Bert yelled "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope" replies Margaret.

Bert barks at his wife "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS".

Margaret shaking her head says "Should've bought a hat Bert, should've bought a hat!".

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Me: pussy

Him: I am what I eat

 

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

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Only in America (what a great country!!)

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

 

He gasps to the operator, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"*

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A cannibal goes to the Canibal Deli and looks over the selections.

 

He sees that the 'German' is 2 shells pound. The "British' is 2.5 shells a pound. He gets to the 'French' and its 9.75 a pound!

 

He asks the owner why the French are so costly.

 

The owner tells him, "You ever try and clean a Frenchman?"

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A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a tube of Chap Stick.

 

The clerk asks..."will that be cash, check or charge?"

 

To which the duck replies,

 

"Just put it on my bill."

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The three perpetual truths of religion are as follows:

 

 

  • Jews will never recognize Jesus of Nazareth as the Messiah.
  • Protestants will never recognize the Pope as the temporal leader of all Christians.
  • Baptists will never recognize each other at Hooter's or in a liquor store.

 

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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ....

 

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run...run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

 

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

 

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

 

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

 

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

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A man checks into a hotel while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.

 

He popped into a phone booth in the Hub near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Candice, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

 

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.

 

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

 

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

 

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

 

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

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Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?

New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

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A British visitor was stopped by customs at Melbourne airport was asked if he had a criminal record, and replied that he didn’t realise you still had to have one to get in!

 

Foreign Food

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

The French and Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

An expat in Spain goes into a restaurant and orders the house special. The meal is absolutely delicious, so he asks the waiter what it is. "The ball are a bulls testicles", says the waiter, "cooked in a special sauce after the animal has died at the local bull fight." The expat returns to Spain the next year on his holidays and goes to the restaurant to order the fantastic dish again. After he's eaten he asks the waiter why the balls are so small this time. "Well" says the waiter, "sometimes the bull wins

 

Only in America

 

* Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

* Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..

* Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

* Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

* Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

* Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

* Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

* Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

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Halloween is coming...

 

Sssoooo....

 

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

 

when behind him he hears:

 

Bump...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FASTER...

 

FASTER...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

 

 

 

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

 

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bumping and clapping toward him.

 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

 

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

 

and,

 

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

 

The coffin stops.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face"?

 

The horse regards him silently and lugubriously, reflecting mournfully on the events of several years ago leading to his wife's affair and their eventual acrimonious divorce.

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An ambulance is wheeling recklessly to a nearby hospital, transporting the victim of an accident.

Suddenly, burning a red light, the ambulance run over an old lady. Screeching to a halt, the driver jumps out to help the poor dismantled lady, and says:

" It's a chance we are an ambulance, otherwise you would have been left here on the street, god knows for how long..."

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