Worst jokes ever

5,354 posts in this topic

A fart is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

 

 

A fart can be quiet,

 

A fart can be loud,

 

Some leave a powerful,

 

Poisonous cloud.

 

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song.

 

 

A fart can create

 

A most curious medley,

 

A fart can be harmless,

 

Or silent and deadly.

 

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while.

 

 

A fart can occur

 

In a number of places,

 

And leave everyone there,

 

With strange looks on their faces.

 

From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

2

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I saw a French footballer playing on a Nintendo earlier.

 

It was Thierry on Wii.

 

(Okay, okay. Hat, coat, outta here...) :P

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A penguin goes into a bar and asks the barman "Has my brother been in here?"

THe barman says, "dunno- what does he look like?"

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What is the QUESTION to this answer ?

the answer is "Cock Robin".......

 

 

 

 

 

 

The question was..

"Whats this up my arse Batman" :unsure:

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i cant believe noone has posted the joke from pulp fiction yet:

 

" One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says 'ketchup!' "

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What do you call a Scotsman in a raincoat? Mac

 

What do you call a Scotsman wearing 2 raincoats? Max

 

What do you call a Scotsman wearing 2 raincoats in a cemetery? Max Bygraves

 

Why weren't Pakistan in the last football World Cup? Everytime they got a corner they opened a shop

 

What do you call a Paki with a scalp infection? Rashid

 

What do you call a Paki with a slice of baon on his head? Hamed

 

What do you call a Paki with 2 slices of baon on his head? Mohammed

7

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2 nuns gat raped whilst out walking late at night. Afterwards they run back tell Mother Superior what has happened. After much thought and prayer the Mother Superior sends them down to the kitchens to see Sister Cook. They should ask her for 2 lemons to suck. 'Oh Mother, thank-you so much! Will that stop us from getting pregnant?'

 

'No. but it will take those stupid grins off your faces'

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Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the windscreen.

Much screaming ensues - then the driving nun tries the windscreen wipers and the screen wash (full of holy water of course) but the vampire just bears his fangs and hisses a them.

More screaming - then the first nun remembers she has a Blutwurst mit knoblauch in her handbag (don't ask why) so she winds the window down and starts beating the vampire with it but he just grabs it off her and throws it into the road.

Cue lots more screaming.

First nun then turns to the passenger nun and says "Quick quick Show him your cross".

 

Second nun winds the window down, leans out and screams

 

"Oi you big toothed bastard. Get the fuck off our car"!

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"After living in Germany, my name is Wurst...Brad Wurst" - Brad Pitt

PS: Found that quote, on some site.

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Nul-Nul-Sieben - has to a bad joke as it is the worst f**king way you can describe James Bond!

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Princess Anne and Prince Charles were out in the country one day when all of a sudden they saw some robbers approaching ,Charles thinking quickly ,gave his Rolex and his wallet to Anne ,telling her to hide them in her Vagina, this she did, along with her own valuables.

The robbers were really pissed off when they couldn't find any loot so they stole the Landrover and off they went.

 

"It's a shame Camilla wasn't here we could of saved the bloody Landrover"

6

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.....and the cricket isn't happy about it either"

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Guy goes to the doctor and tells him 'I've got a cricket ball up my arse'

The doctor says 'Oh really, how's that'

Guy says 'Don't you start taking the piss too'

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The boy stood on the burning deck

he stood there playing cricket

a flame shot up his trouser leg

and burnt his middle wicket :o

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

 

Wi Jammin.

 

How do his friends like theirs?

 

I don't know, but I hope they like Jammin too

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Why did the chicken cross the road ...... ????

.

.

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.

.

.

.

.

 

 

KINDERGARTEN BOY - To get to the other side.

 

PLATO - For the greater good.

 

ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

 

KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.

 

TIMOTHY LEARY - Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

HIPPOCRATES - Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 

MOSES - And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

 

RICHARD M. NIXON - The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

 

MACHIAVELLI - The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 

BILL GATES - The newly released Chicken 2003, will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

 

DARWIN - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

 

EINSTEIN - Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference and relativity.

 

GEORGE BUSH - We are committed to establishing a democracy where chickens freely cross roads without oppression from terrorist organizations.

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