Worst jokes ever

5,350 posts in this topic

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

 

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Zebo, a half blind five-year-old African orphan, has to ride seven miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle that has buckled wheels and no brakes.

 

Please give just a small donation of $2 and we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!

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Here's some more bad ones...

 

A spaceship with the letters UFO on the side flew into a gas station. Paddy the attendant went over to it and filled it up, and then it flew away.

The manager of the gas station said "Fucking hell, Paddy, did you see that UFO?"

"Yes," replied Paddy.

Then the manager says, "Paddy, do you know what UFO stands for?"

"Of course, its Unleaded Fuel Only"

 

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I learned two very important things today:

 

1. Bagels are very hot when you remove them from a toaster

2. Third degree burns on your penis are hard to explain to the doctor (and harder to explain to the wife).

 

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I bought one of those fake dog poos the other day to prank my sister. I had to take it back though, it was shit.

 

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The guy next door was collecting for the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

 

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I got very worried today when my girlfriend announced she had found another man.

 

She now thinks I'm really weird having all these dead bodies around the house.

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A bear walks into a bar...

 

"I'll have a beer please", says the bear to the bartender..

 

"Sorry..", says the bartender. "We don't serve beer to bears in bars.."

 

"Heh???" asks the bear.. "What are you talking about?? Gimme a beer!!"

 

"Sorry bud.. No beer for bears in bars.."

 

"Look guy.." says the bear. "If you don't give me a beer right now, I'm gonna go eat that old lady down there at the end of the bar..."

 

"I don't care what you do", says the barman. "But we don't serve beer to bears in bars."..

 

So the bear goes down the bar, mauls and kills and bites some chunks out of the woman, walks back to the other end of the bar where he was before, and says to the barman all bloody-faced "can I have a beer now??1!"

 

"Sorry man.." says the bartender. "We don't serve beer to bears on drugs.."

 

"What??!!!..." answers the bear.. "I'm not on drugs!"

 

"Of course you are.." says the bartender.. "That was the bar-bitch-u-ate"...

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Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

post-48421-12498494338317_thumb.jpg

"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

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A frog walks into a bank with a carved wooden elephant, goes up to Patricia Whack, the bank teller, and asks for a loan.

 

Patty ask the frog "do you have any collateral?" and the frog replies "yes I have this small carved elephant, and my dad will be guarantor". Patty asks "so who is your father then?" and the frog replies "my dad is Mick Jagger"

 

Patty tells the frog that she cannot give him a loan, so the frog asks her to check with her manager.

 

Patty goes out back to speak to the manager, the manager asks if the frog has any collateral, so Patty shows him the small elephant and tells the manager the frogs dad is Mick Jagger. The manager says "go ahead, Patty, this frog is good for it".

 

Patty asks why, and the manager repleis

 

"it's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone"

 

Very fitting in this thread :) Horrible joke.

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I met this chap at the Olympics carrying a 5 meter long pole.

I said to him, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?",

he replied, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?"

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A bear walks into a bar...

 

"I'll have a beer please", says the bear to the bartender..

 

"Sorry..", says the bartender. "We don't serve beer to bears in bars.."

 

"Heh???" asks the bear.. "What are you talking about?? Gimme a beer!!"

 

"Sorry bud.. No beer for bears in bars.."

 

"Look guy.." says the bear. "If you don't give me a beer right now, I'm gonna go eat that old lady down there at the end of the bar..."

 

"I don't care what you do", says the barman. "But we don't serve beer to bears in bars."..

 

So the bear goes down the bar, mauls and kills and bites some chunks out of the woman, walks back to the other end of the bar where he was before, and says to the barman all bloody-faced "can I have a beer now??1!"

 

"Sorry man.." says the bartender. "We don't serve beer to bears on drugs.."

 

"What??!!!..." answers the bear.. "I'm not on drugs!"

 

"Of course you are.." says the bartender.. "That was the bar-bitch-u-ate"...

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was better the first time ! a couple of pages back ...Duh!

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whats the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers ...?

 

You only get one twat in a a pair of knickers.

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Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

 

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What do you call an animal with 6 legs and a twat halfway up its back?

 

A police horse.

 

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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

Still no idea

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What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

 

Doyouthinkhesaurus

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What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

 

A wonkey.

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What do you call an Irish man holding 2 pieces of glass?

 

Paddy O'Doors

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What's green and invisible?

(hold out empty hand)

This cabbage

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What's the similarity between George Michael and a pair of wellies?

 

They both get sucked off in bogs

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A group of men were asked what they most liked about blow jobs.

 

10% like it because it's rude

20% like it because it feels good

70% like the silence

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Why did the baker have brown smelly hands?

 

He needed a poo

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2 stoned hippies walking down a railway line-

 

First - "wow man, these stairs go on forever!"

Second - "yeah, but it's these low handrails that really freak me out!"

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and crying, like his passengers

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This is in pretty bad taste:

 

 

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

 

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause...

 

The second terrorist says, wistfully...

 

"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

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A mother says to her daughter:

'The neighbourgs say that you are sleeping with your boyfriend!'

'Ay, mom, the people is so gossipy...

One sleeps with anyone and immediately they say that is a boyfriend...'

 

 

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'Carmen, are you sick?... I ask because I saw this morning a doctor getting out of your house...'

- 'Look, yesterday in the morning I saw a military guy getting out of your house and not because of that you are in a War, isn’t it?

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- Tell me. What’s the reason because you want the divorce?

- My husband treats me as a dog.

- Does he mistreat you, beats you, batter you?

- No, he wants me to be faithful....

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A thief shouts to another one, in the middle of a robbery:

- The police comes!

- What do we do now?

- Let’s jump out of the window!

- But we are in the 13th floor!

- This is no time for superstitions!

 

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In a party a waiter comes to offer more whisky to a girl:

- Madame, do you want another glass?

- No, thanks, is no good for my legs.

- Do they fall asleep?

- No, they spread out!

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A Young liberated rebelian girl comes in a bar totally nacked. She stands in front of the waiter and says::

- Give me a very cold bier!

The waiter gives her the bier and stays stearing at her without moving.

- What’s up? –she says- You have never seen a nacked woman???

- Many times!

- Then, what do you look at???

- I want to see where do you take the money from to pay for the bier!

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The Broom says to the Bride in the night of the wedding:

Darling, you are not virgen !!

And she answers:

Nor you are Saint Joseph, nor we came here to make a Crib, isn’t it my love?...

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I think Maitri's jokes are possibly the funniest ever, but mostly because of the weird English

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two cows in a field the first cow goes "mooooo" then the second goes "i was just about to say that"

 

- the first time i heard that i couldnt stop laughing and got thrown out of my german class, was a long time ago.

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With Maitri's English and Contender's cow joke I'll be giggling all night now. Thanks folks for cheering me up :-D

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A guy wakes up in hospital, the doctor says to him " Mister Smith we have some good news and some bad news"

"give me the good news" the guy asks

"Well Mr Smith you have been in a coma , but I am delighted to tell you that you will make a 100% recovery"

"Whats the bad news then"

 

 

 

 

 

"Your 99 years old"

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Guy bragged: 'Yesterday my wife slided on knees in front of me.'

'What did she say?'

'Come out under the sofa, you scoundrel!'

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