Worst jokes ever

5,429 posts in this topic

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

 

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.'

 

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

 

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

 

8. Virginity can be cured.

 

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

 

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

 

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

 

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

 

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

 

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives

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My wife asked if I wanted to take our son to the zoo.

I said no, if they want him they can come and fetch him themselves.

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A minute's silence for a recently deceased deaf person. A fitting tribute, or more of a piss take?

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Björk is said to be furious that she is no longer the biggest thing from Iceland to spout shit all over Europe and cause suffering to so many innocent people.

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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,

"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away but, I really must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

 

With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

 

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says,

 

 

 

 

"You".

 

 

 

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Knock! Knock!

 

Who's there?

 

little old lady.

 

little old lady who?

 

I didn't know you could yodel.

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I went to my bank today, walked in to see a short queue, just one little lady at the front having a heated argument with the teller.

The little lady was Asian and was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars.

She said to the teller "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunner Dollar fo Yen. Today I get one hunner eighty. Why it change?".

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said "Fluctuations".

To which the Asian lady replies "Fuk you white people too".

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I was sitting alone in the local bar earlier and a young couple sat opposite me; they started discussing what DVD film to watch tonight.

I leaned over to them and whispered, "I've got a DVD with me now - it's not to everyone's taste, though."

I leaned in closer and said, "It's got nuns in it..."

The young woman said, "That's disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

I whispered, "That's nothing. It's also got children in it..."

With that the guy jumped up and punched me to the floor and started kicking me repeatedly in the face while calling me "a sick twisted bastard".

 

I just don't understand it, I love The Sound of Music.

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The British bus company Arriva have been taken over by a German bus company.

 

There was no announcement - the drivers just came in to work and found towels on their seats.

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With the election in the UK getting ever closer, I for one am voting for The Iceland Volcano Party.

They did more in six days to stop immigration than Labour did in 12 years.

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A woman friend of mine found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer ) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet discovered that the problem was caused by hair in the dog's ears, so he clipped the hair, cleaned out the ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then told the lady if she wanted to stop the problem recurring, she should go to the chemist and buy some "Nair" hair removal cream.

He told her to apply it to the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist's and bought some and the pharmacist told her "If you are using this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".

The lady replied "I'm not using it under my arms".

The pharmacist then recommended "If you are using it on your legs, don't shave for a few days".

The lady replied "I'm not using it on my legs either, if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

To which the pharmacist says "Well then, stay off your bike for a few days then".

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Viagra takes about 25 minutes to take effect. But by that time I usually find that the woman has managed to wriggle free!

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My missus was sitting on the sofa looking through some old photographs when she shouted to me.

"Oh my God, love. Come and see how awful I look."

Yes, she was there. Horribly overweight with terrible hair and wearing pink spandex.

 

She looked even worse in the pictures.

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Apple has released a new device for people suffering from alcohol-related problems.

 

It's called the iRish.

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What does a blowjob from a toothless granny have in common with a bungee jump?

 

Both are fucking awesome if you don't look down.

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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said.

 

Mum brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him. "Really?" Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

 

"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

 

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "THE TWIST, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The fucking dance is called THE TWIST!!"

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