Worst jokes ever

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Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or...Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at...

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Why nearly all "docter" jokes of late?

 

Man goes to see doctor.

 

Man: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones

 

Doctor: It's not unusual

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Enough doctors. Change direction please.

 

 

Man on small cargoe ship. Ship sinks. He is washed up onto a deserted coral island.

 

Builds shelter. Digs shallow well. Learns to fish. Survives.

 

A few months later a luxury yacht sinks. One person is washed towards the island.

 

Man pulls semi-conscious survivor from the waves and up to his shelter. He revives her with a drink of water and washes the sand off her face. He recognises her. It is Angelina Jolie!

 

They survive on the island together. She is very grateful but a little wary of him. He teaches her to help repair their shelter, to light a fire, to fish for food. After a few weeks they start having sex. Good sex. Lots of sex.

 

Another month and he asks her "Can I draw a moustach on your face and call you Frank ?"

 

She says she'd prefer he didn't.

 

A few days later he asks again. She makes a little joke of it - but still says No.

 

And then again. This time she reluctantly agrees.

 

He picks up some cold charred wood from near the fire, gently draws a nice thick moustach on her top lip, leans back in his seat with his hands behind his head and says " Hey Frank - you'll never guess who I'm shagging "

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Little boy walking home from school carrying a bag of his favourite marbles. Catches up with other small boy who is carrying something, swinging it to and fro. It is a pair of welders goggles. He asks if he can try them on. Can't see anything through them. They are great! Takes them off, negotiates a swap for his marbles and starts off again.

 

Man pulls up alongside him in a big shiny car. Opens the door.

 

"Get in and I'll take you home"

 

(Little boy, looking sheepish, shaking head ) My mummy told me never to take a lift from a stranger.

 

"Your mummy asked me to come and fetch you to take you home quickly for your Suprise Present"

 

(Little boy approaches car) If I get in, can I wear my goggles?

 

"Of course you can. Climb into the front seat here"

 

Car door slams. Into gear. Accelerates away. Little boy wearing his goggles.

 

[ Stridently ] "Are you alright, little boy" ( Small nod of head ) VROOM VROOM (changes gear) VROOM VROOM

 

[ More stridently ] "Heard of buggery have you little boy" ( Small nervous shake of head ) VROOOM VROOOOOOOM

 

{ Loudly ] " Know what blow jobs are little boy ?" [ Repeats excitedly ] "BLOW JOBS, LITTLE BOY! "

 

Little boy now very sheepish. Removes goggles, head bowed, nearly in tears, mumbles quietly...

 

" I'm ... I'm not really a welder "

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Dear Roger.

 

I hope you can help me.

 

The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. I hadn't driven more than a Kilometre down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32,my husband is 34, and the neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

 

Can you help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila.

 

Dear Sheila:

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Roger.

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

 

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

 

"Oh, come along with me then."

 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

 

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

 

"Bring them as well!"

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

 

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

 

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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Yesterday was our wedding anniversary so I thought I would treat the wife. So after I got in from work I said "Get your coat, I've booked a table for 8 o'clock"

It turned out to be a complete and utter disaster, by 9 o'clock, she hadn't potted a single red!

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Hooperski:when we get to do the movie "Toytown Germany",you do the jokes,ok?You always make me crease up!!Cheers!

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A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

 

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

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"Mommy, mommy! Why is everyone running?"

 

Mommy: "Shut up and reload."

 

___________________________

 

"Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?"

 

Mommy: "Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet."

 

___________________________

 

"Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!"

 

Mommy: "Well throw some more petrol on him then."

 

___________________________

 

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!"

 

Mommy: "Shut up and keep digging."

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Little boy to little girl: "I found a condom on the patio."

 

Little girl to little boy: "What's a patio?"

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I thought these were supposed to be worst jokes ever. Some of them just crack me up laugh.gif

 

So to get back to basics here´s a really bad one.

 

Guy walks into a butcher´s shop and says; I´d like half a pound of kiddlies please.

The butcher says, you mean kidneys don´t you?

Guy says, I said kiddlies, diddle I?

 

Ask John G., mate of mine, how often I pee him off with that one.

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I recently entered the World Sunbed Tanning Championships I came third, got a bronze.

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It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy playing leapfrog.

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My West Indian mate, Winston, recently got arrested for playing chess in the street.

He said to the Police, "Is it 'cause I is Black?"

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My Mum is Dyslexic, and one year we had a really quiet Christmas.

When cooking the cake, confused Marzipan with Temazepan.

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