Worst jokes ever

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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

 

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

 

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

 

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

 

Of course the Madam said no.

 

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

 

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

 

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

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Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her.

 

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

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Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms ideal for fuckers who dont know when to pull out

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Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up & man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him & says: Pay u monthly, u bastard!

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It was my birthday yesterday, so my wife stripped off and said I could do anything I wanted.

So I tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.

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The waitress asks: "Did you enjoy your meal Sir?", "Yes, I did, it reminded me of my mum's meals. She couldn't cook either!"

 

It's probably old but I only heard it today!

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While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.

 

He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers.

 

And who should be sitting there; the judge.

 

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

 

Kid: (nods).

 

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

 

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge.

 

The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

 

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

 

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

 

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

 

The kid unzips the judge's fly.

 

Judge: Now suck my dick!

 

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!

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Russian: Sir we got a huge order from usa for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embrass us.

Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.

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Two blondes are on walking safari in the African bush. They happen upon some tracks and start arguing as to what animal had made them.

 

Blonde 1: "These are buffalo tracks."

Blonde 2: "No doll, they're elephant tracks."

 

Blonde 1: "No way, they're definitely buffalo tracks."

Blonde 2: "Isn't sweetie. These are elephant tracks."

 

Blonde 1: "Ag, man, I'm telling you. My ex-boyfriend is a game ranger, so I know all about tracks."

Blonde 2: "Well, your boyfriend must have been stupid, because I saw that flick with the flying elephant and these are elephant tracks."

 

Their heated argument continued for about half an hour until they were both killed by an oncoming train.

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Punter #1 "I say, I say, I say - my dog's got no nose"

Punter #2 "How does he smell?"

Punter #1 "He can't, he's got no nose"

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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I'm sick of women saying men can't multi-task! I can tell my wife how beautiful she looks and keep a straight face at the same time quite well.

 

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Police say the three asylum seekers fell from the 15th floor. I heard it was the 16th, but that's another story.

 

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Susan Boyle reminds me of computers.

 

Whenever I see her, my cock goes Microsoft.

 

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I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer. I'm calling it a 'Towel'.

 

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale.

 

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So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.

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Husband and wife go to a psychologist after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem is, she pulls out a long and detailed list of all the problems they had during the 20 years of marriage:

Little attention, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, not feeling loved, not to feel desired ...

The list is endless. Finally, the therapist stands, approaches the woman, asks him to stop and kisses her passionately embraces and throws a "KIKI" anthology while her husband watches with one eyebrow higher than the other. The woman remains silent and sits in the chair half stunned ..

The therapist goes to the husband and says, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do it? "

The husband thought for a moment and answers "Well, I can bring on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I have football on Fridays

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An old man of 80 goes to the doctor.

 

"Doc," he says. "When I was a young man in my 20's and I got up in the morning with a morning glory I could only bend my John Thomas about a quarter of the way down, before I had to bend my back so as not to miss the toilet bowl when I pee'd."

 

Doctor: "Yes?"

 

"Well, later in my thirties when I had my morning stiffy I could bend it about half way down before having to double up"

 

Doctor: "Go on."

 

"Then, from my forties onward I could bend it about three quarters down without any problems and now that I'm eighty years old I can bend it right down every morning and pee standing straight up. So now I have a question."

 

Doctor" "What is it?"

 

"Have I been getting stronger?"

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A young man told his doctor that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him.

 

On examination, the willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.

 

He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.

 

The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.

 

That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.

 

In the dark she whispered, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"

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