Worst jokes ever

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Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

 

A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com

 

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

 

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

 

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

 

Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

 

And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

 

If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

 

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

 

Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

 

Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

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A Dog's Diary

7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!

9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!

1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!

4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!

5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!

7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my "teddy"! My favorite!

9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in Daddy's bed! My favorite!

 

 

A Cat's Diary

 

Day 183 of my captivity ... My human captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.

 

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

 

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and commented about what a good little kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

 

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was because of my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

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A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin and ... tonic please?"

The barman serves him and says, "Why the long pause?"

 

Polar Bear says,

"Don't know, I've always had them"

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Speaking of cows:

 

Q: Why do cows have bells?

 

A: Because their horns don't work.

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Why don't bears wear shoes & socks?

 

Because they like to walk around in their bear feet.

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

 

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

 

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

 

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

 

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

 

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

 

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

 

<ducks tomato and runs away>

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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

 

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

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At last someone has worked out the real meanings of women's personal adverts in the lonely hearts.

 

40-ish = 49

Adventurous = slept with everyone

Athletic = no tits

Average looking = ugly

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious smile = does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure = on medication

Feminist = fat

Free spirit = junkie

Fun = annoying

New age = very hairy

Open-minded = desperate

Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing

Passionate = sloppy drunk

Professional = bitch

Voluptuous = fat

Large frame = very fat

Likes to eat out = lazy and fat

Seeks soul mate = stalker

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The different interpretation of words between men and women.

 

Women's English

1. Yes = no

2. No = yes

3. Maybe = no

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = I dare you

8. Do what you want = you'll pay for that later

9. I'm not upset = of course I'm upset you retard

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about

 

Men's English

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage

5. I love you = Can we have sex now?

6. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

7. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Those shoes don't go with that dress = I'm gay

6.

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A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are on their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with a pair of scissors stuck in his eye and the TV remote shoved up his arse.

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A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are on their menstrual cycle.

 

It also depends on how fast they are going.

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A group of building workers from the deep south were sitting in their mess hut having their lunch one day, after a while the foreman asks the newlywed young man how married life was treating him. The young man said things were just fine.

The following week the foreman asks the young man if he is still happy with married life, to which the young man replies that things are fine.

A few more days pass and the foreman asks the young man whether he is getting bored with his sex life, and asks him if he has ever thought of using the other hole. The young man is very embarrassed by the question and tells the foreman that his wife comes from a very strict religious family and that it would be completely out of the question.

Knocking off work Friday afternoon, the foreman goads the young man once again, "Don't forget to ask your wife the question" he says.

Monday morning and the men are sitting in their hut having a coffee and the foreman asks the young man "Well, did you ask her then?"

To the foreman's amazement the young man answers he did. The foreman asks him what she said, to which the young man replied.

"She said we can't afford children yet!"

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Define contraceptive pill?

It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

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Two prostitutes were talking,

1st: We r in the best business in the world.

2nd: How?

1st: We have it, sell it, and we still have it.

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Ouch, Silty!!!

 

This reminds me of the joke that was going around back then, when Ronald Reagan had cancer:

 

"What two decisions does Reagan have to make now?"

"A full stop, or a semi colon"

 

At risk of turning this into Snooker Saturday, this in turn reminds me of the old Steve Davis joke.

 

After yet another glorious tournament win, Steve finds a groupie waiting for him at the door of The Crucible. With her sultry B&H voice, she makes him an offer he can't refuse: "Ay-oop pet, take me back to your place and 'ave yer wicked way wi' me!". The ginger maestro readily agrees and whisks her back to his hotel. The lovely lady quickly strips and drapes herself across the bed. Steve steps back from the bed, and with hand on chin peruses the sight. After some minutes, the woman says: "What y'waitin' fer?!".

 

"I'm weighing up whether to take the easy pink or the difficult brown"

 

 

 

Okay, clearly this joke has started from the punchline and worked back, but with a major logic fail. In snooker, the aim is to maximise the number of points. Pink is worth 6, brown is worth, erm, quick google, 4. Whereupon if the pink is easier than the brown, surely nothing more to consider! Okay, maybe you'd choose the "hard brown" if you were going to dislodge some "reds" (which adds quite a horrible aspect to the whole debacle!)

 

Now in Orla's gag, also we're working back from the punchline. But why is Ronnie deciding between only two forms of punctuation? And being American, surely he would be considering a period. Which would be somewhat unlikely considering the advanced age of Nancy at the time.

 

Or am I reading too much into these gags?

 

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what's the difference between your mum and a Concorde?

 

not everybody has been on a Concorde.

 

what's the difference between your mum and a 747?

 

about 20kg

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Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

 

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

 

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

 

A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recieve a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, "Well, a man's brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman's costs $100,000." She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, "That's not sexism, it's standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women's brains down because they've been used."

 

Three construction workers were sitting on top of a 3-story building opening up their lunches. There was a blond, a red head and a brunette. The red head got salami,

"Damn, I can't stand salami, If I get it one more time I'm going to jump off this building."

The brunette got tuna,

"Crap I hate tuna, if I get tuna one more time I'm gonna jump off this building."

The blond got a ham sandwich,

"Damn I hate ham, if I get ham one more time I'm gonna jump off this building."

 

The next day, they all got what they hated and jumped off the building.

 

At their funerals, the red head's wife was crying,

"I wish I knew that he didn't like salami."*sob*

the brunette's wife cried,

"I wish I knew that he didn't like tuna." *sobs*

The blonds wife was just shaking her head, she said,

"Hey, don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

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