Worst jokes ever

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My mate is a coach driver and last week he took out a load of Irish on a Mystery Tour.

At the start of the trip they thought they would have a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

My mate won £72.

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Vet: I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down

Owner: Why? What's wrong with him?!?

Vet: Nothing - he's just awfully heavy.

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An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office in error and weaves over to the receptionist.

 

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

 

Looking forward to some-thing kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

 

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

 

"Holy shit, lady, I never knew you had a minimum!"

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The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman with a bad leg came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

 

 

 

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

 

 

 

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

 

 

 

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

 

 

 

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

 

 

 

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,

 

"Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

 

 

 

 

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A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

 

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

 

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

 

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

 

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

 

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

 

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

 

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

 

Doctor, "What happened?"

 

Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

 

Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"

 

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

 

Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."

 

Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

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A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

 

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

 

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

 

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

 

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

 

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

 

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

 

The genie said, "So, do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

 

He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

 

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

 

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

 

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

 

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

 

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

 

"Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?"

 

So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?"

 

She thinks a bit, "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

 

So they go to the alley and she takes off her top to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?"

 

"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

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An old lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gave her the drink she said, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and today's the day...'

The bartender responded with, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the lady finished her drink, the person to her right said, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The lady thanked her and, turning to the bartender, ordered 'Another Scotch with two drops of water, please'

'Coming up,' said the bartender

As she finished that drink, the man to her left said, 'I'd like to buy you one, too.'

The old lady thanked him and, turning to the bartender, ordered 'Another Scotch with two drops of water, please'

'Coming right up,' the bartender said once more.

As he gave her the drink, he queried , 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. What's with the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old lady replied, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you'll have learned how to hold your liquor, but holding your water, well - that's another story altogether.'

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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect"

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

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A 3 year old boy examines his testicles whilst in the bath.

 

'Mum', he asks, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied

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What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

 

A frog says, "rib-it, rib-it" the horny toad says, "rub-it, rub-it".

 

I learned this at age 7, didn't get it until I was 18...o.k. maybe 16. :D

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana.

Banana who?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

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The Irish Catholic Bishop was driving on a winding road and the Anglican Bishop was coming from the opposite direction. Their cars hit each other. They got out, introduced themselves and shook hands. The Catholic Bishop found the Anglican Bishop was still shaking. So, the Catholic Bishop opened the trunk (boot) of his car, took out a bottle of wine, gave it to Anglican Bishop and said : "Please drink this. This will steady your nerves." The Anglican Bishop drank the wine, felt good and gave the bottle back to the Catholic Bishop and asked if he was going to drink some wine too.

 

The Catholic Bishop replied : "Not now. I am waiting for the Police."

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A tour bus driver with a bus full of senior citizens is driving down the road when he is tapped on the shoulder by one of his passengers, a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts as a gesture of thanks from the passengers, which he gratefully eats.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture a few more times

 

when finally the bus driver asks: “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?”

“We can’t because of our old teeth,” replies the old lady.

“Why do you buy them then?” asks the driver.

“We like the chocolate coating!”

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The Royal and Ancient rules of Bedroom Golf.

 

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

 

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

 

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the aim is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.

 

4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft, Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

 

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

 

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in

being denied permission to play again.

 

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the

entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

 

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.

Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

 

9. Players are advised to carry protective gear, just in case.

 

10. Players should not assume the course is in good shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed to find the course temporarily

under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play

when this is the case.

 

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players

have been known to become irate if they discover someone is playing on what they believe to be a private course.

 

12. The owner of the course is responsible for pruning of any bushes that may reduce visibility of the hole.

 

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

 

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

 

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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