Worst jokes ever

5,270 posts in this topic

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans*

Got a call centre in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off?

A: To the second-hand store!

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Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist?

A: Give him a tampon and ask him what period it is from.

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"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Nobel."

"Nobel who?"

"No bell, so I knocked!"

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Q: Did you here about the cross-eyed teacher?

A: She couldn't keep control of her pupils.

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You are so poor that when I put out my cigarette in your living room, your family yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

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Q: How can you make a very lively handkerchief?

A: Put a little boogey in it.

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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?

A: Nothing - it just waved!

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Q: What do you call a one-legged lady?

A: Eileen.

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Q: What is long, green and has "cum" in it?

A: A cucumber.

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"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Matthew."

"Matthew who?"

"Matthews are wet, can I come in and dry them?"

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

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Q: What's white and if it falls out of a tree, it'll kill you?

A: A fridge!

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Q: What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

A: The Wall.

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Two Arab pickpockets in a cafe chat about their latest escapades

One notices that the other has a scar around both wrists

"I see you won your appeal"

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Whats the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of ball bearings?

 

You can't load ball bearings with a pitchfork.

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Did you hear about the Irish exorcism?

 

They had to take the priest out of the child.

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Indian goes to the doctor.

Tells the doctor: I can't sleep at night.

I lay awake at night thinking I'm a wigwam.

Then the next night I think I'm a teepee.

First I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee.

Any ideas?

 

Sure, says the doctor. You're two tents.

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Q: what kind of bees give you milk

A: Boo-bees

 

Q:two glasgwegian cows in a field, which one's on holiday

A:the one wi the wee calf.

 

Q: Did you hear about the persistant raver?

A: He wouldnt techno for an answer.

 

1:Knock knock

2:Who's there

1:impatient cow

2:impati 1: MOOOOOOOOOOO ent cow who.

 

1:Knock knock

2:Who's there

1:Dunup

2:Dunup Who

1:ewwww, do you want some toilet paper?

 

They're doing a remake of silence of the Lambs set in Glasgow.

Its called "Shut up youz"

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a brown paper bag goes to the doctor feeling unwell. The doctor does some quick tests and says 'you're a haemophiliac' to which the bag replies 'how did I catch that?'

 

The doc replies, 'your Mother must have been a carrier' :D

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why did the pervert cross the road?

He had his d*** stuck in the chicken

 

What do you call a woman with three pints on her head playing snooker?

Beatrix Potter

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

 

The police are looking into it...

 

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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

 

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart.

 

Why Wal-Mart?

 

Hellooooooooo!

 

Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world!

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It was so cold, my rubber ducky refused to get in the tub. It just made that squeaky quack noise and tried to waddle south!

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Bad jokes? ok.

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying under a sofa? He never will come out...

 

A Hamburger walks into a bar.

Bartender says:"Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

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Yo' momma so stupid, she studied for a drug test

 

Yo' momma so stupid, she took an umbrella to see "Purple Rain"

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Yo momma so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck...

 

Yo momma so short, she play handball on the curb.. (my personal all-time yo-momma fave..)

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