Worst jokes ever

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

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woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,

”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.You’re crazy going Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

 

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

 

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re

always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

 

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

 

“Don’t go any further.” I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

 

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

 

“That’s hysterical,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need plenty of it.”

 

A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

 

“It was wonderful,” exclaimed the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so they bumped us up to first class. “The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old

steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too, apologized and gave us the owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

 

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

 

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the international visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me.”

 

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

 

He said, “Where’d you get that shit hairdo?”

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English model Jordan has decided to let Cheryl Cole babysit for her in future.

Apparently Cheryl has experience of looking after a black child with wandering eyes who can dribble for England.

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Paddy tells Mick that his wife has just had identical twins, Mick asks who they look like.

Paddy says "Each other you idiot".

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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

 

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

 

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

 

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

 

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

 

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

 

"Because it keeps hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold."

 

"Yes, so what?" the others asked.

 

The mystic looked up reverently to the sky. "But how does it know?"

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A man goes to a local farmer and buys a donkey from him for £100, the farmer says he will deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer tells the man that the donkey has died so the man asks for his money back.

The farmer says that he has already spent the money so can't do that, so the man tells him that he will have the dead donkey anyway.

A month later the farmer bumps into the man again and expects to get some grief but the man is very friendly towards him.

The farmer asks him what he did with the dead donkey and the man tells him that he raffled it.

"I sold 500 tickets @ £2 each", the farmer asked "Didn't anybody complain?" the man says "Only the winner, but I gave him his £2 back,

in the end I made a £898 profit".

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So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt.". So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

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On the day Sister Mary entered the Monastery the Priest told her "This is a Monastery of Silence, you may stay here for as long as you like but you must only speak when spoken to".

Sister Mary nodded her assent and entered the Monastery grounds where she lived in silence for five years until the Priest summonsed her to his

office where he said "Sister Mary, you have been here five years you may speak two words". She answered "Hard bed".

The Priest replied "I am sorry about that, we will get you another bed".

Sister Mary spent five more years in silent contemplation and was once more called before the Priest "You may speak two words" he said.

"Cold food" Sister Mary told him. The Priest apologised saying the food would better in future.

Another five passed and Sister Mary was again called in to see the Priest "Hello Sister Mary, you can speak two words". She said "Broken window".

The Priest assured her the window would be replaced.

Another long five years pass and the Priest calls Sister Mary into his office "You may speak two words" she replies "I quit.

The Priest shrugs his shoulders and says to her "It's probably for the best, you've done fuck all but moan since you've been here"

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An 86 year old man goes into a surgery and walks up to the receptionist, "And what seems to be the problem?" she asks the man.

"There's something wrong with my dick" he replies.

The receptionist became irritated and told the man "You shouldn't come in here and say things like that", he said "Well you asked me".

The receptionist says to him "You should have said something like you have a problem with your ear and then tell the doctor in private"

So the man, not being too impressed at being scolded by the receptionist walks out of the surgery only to return five minutes later.

He walks up to the receptionist and she asks him "What seems to be the problem?"

He replies "I have a problem with my ear", "Oh and what's wrong with your ear?" she asks. "I can't piss through it" the man replies.

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A Priest booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?".

She replies "No it's normal shagging, you sick bastard".

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Young Paddy phones his Mum and tells her he has been arrested and can make one phone call.

He tells his Mum "I'm in trouble for punching a West Indian woman in the face".

The Mum asks him "But I thought you went to the hardware shop with your Dad"

He replies "Yes, it's all his fault, he told me to go and get a Black and Decker".

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Why is shagging a fat bird like riding a moped?

They're both fine until your mates find out.

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On their wedding night, Paddy takes his new wife up to the Honeymoon suite.

She strips off and lies spread-eagled across the bed, "You know what I want don't you?" she asks him.

"All the fucking bed by the looks of it" replies Paddy.

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So Sting can spend up to five hours banging his wife before he comes.

I know just how he feels, my wife's no oil painting either!.

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An old one, but still might make you chuckle.

 

Top ten signs you might be a Taliban.

 

10/ You refine Heroin for a living, but have a moral objection against beer.

 

9/ You own a $500 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher but can't afford a proper pair of shoes.

 

8/ You have more wives than teeth.

 

7/ You only know that vests come in two styles, bullet proof and suicide.

 

6/ You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

 

5/ You consider the television to be dangerous, yet carry ammunition on your body daily.

 

4/ You've never been asked "Does this Burka make my arse look big?"

 

3/ You were amazed to discover that cell phones have other uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 

2/ A common compliment is "I simply LOVE what you've done to this cave".

 

And finally

 

1/ You wipe your arse with your bare hand yet consider bacon unclean.

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